Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
When you instigate the split and then regret it. Fuck.(11 Posts)
DP (of 13 years + 2 DC) moved out at the end of last year.
Youngest DC was 14 months. We have zero family where we are so no help with the children (literally one night out together per year) and I struggle with making friends so was feeling very down and isolated and we were snapping at each other, I was resentful of his nights out etc. Our sex life was nonexistent (he wanted to, I shut him out) I felt like life was passing me by and had this idea that if I had some childfree time, I would suddenly magically have a sex and the city-esque group of friends and lots of nights out etc .
The reality has been somewhat different. I spend my child free time watching films and walking the dog and having more baths that I thought was humanly possible. Which is enjoyable and all. But I miss the DC when they're not here.
And crucially, I miss ex-DP
Our shared history, our memories. The way we 'get' each other is like nothing I've ever experienced before. Our interests and sense of humour are so in tune. We've had one night out together since splitting and it was more fun than any of the dates I've been on/few nights out I've had. Youngest DC is getting older and more manageable and we could ask DP's mother to come visit more often and incorporate a night out with her babysitting more often.
I feel like an idiot for pushing for this separation in the first place. And he could very well be dating other people and be happier without me.
In a lot of ways we've failed at splitting up. We text each other throughout the day, he comes over a few nights a week so we can watch 'our shows', we're going on holiday as a family in the summer as we usually always would.
What do I do? I feel like the right thing to do is to wait to see if these feelings subside before saying anything.
I wouldn't rush into anything, it might be just a low point. There's no guarantee that your u turn would be wanted. I personally would never go back to someone who'd done that to me. Just keep your options open
You could bite the bullet and ask him how he feels the separation is going
Or casually drop into conversation something like " I've really missed this" when you are doing something together and having fun.
I guess the key is whether the reason you split is still there.
If either of you having sex with anyone else would be a deal breaker, then I think you need to air this now. Because otherwise one of you might sleep with someone else and the opportunity might be lost. If he thinks its over then he might be looking for someone new without realising you are still interested.
Firstly, bear in mind relationships like this will aways feel better once you've split. Buyers remorse means you'll regret losing the thing you had and be afraid of the new freedom you've gained. But the more troubling this is you have left yourself in an emotional halfway house, still leaning on each other and not fully splitting. Given this, I would strongly suggest that if you really do regret splitting, that you tell him as much and try again.
Or you need to try and commit to this new life. You had images of nights out and circles of friends and there's no reason you couldn't start building this and making it happen. But this rueful uncertainty is the worst of both worlds. If you try again with him, go into counselling so you can be vocal about solving what the problems were last time, and if you stay split, push yourself out there more, see people and expand your horizons, you need to have references you don't share with him and not keep returning to the same thing, It maybe you miss being in a relationship more than you miss HIM.
Thanks for your replies.
Blood you're absolutely correct about the lines being blurred. I just cannot imagine not speaking to him about anything but the kids. In terms of my own life, I am doing a course which has really helped my self-confidence and will allow me to pursue a career I've dreamt of doing for years. I've also met a couple of people I could see me becoming friends with.
I really don't want to rush into saying anything, the only thing to consider would be the practicality of doing it before his 6 month lease were up. I'm fully aware of the enormity of this especially for the DC. The toddler is oblivious really but our oldest took the news of her dad moving out surprisingly well and has adapted brilliantly. I don't want her to go through any unnecessary confusion or more disruption.
I feel like we were in a bit of a fog, me especially. Not just the small dependents thing but I also have had medical problems which have definitely affected my personality/behaviour. I mentioned to my consultant at my last appt that my relationship had ended and she suggested it could be partly attributable to my condition. I'd never considered that before.
If we were to get back together there would have to be a lot of changes on both our parts. But the fundamental stuff (compatibility, laughter, common views/goals/things that make us happy, intellectual stimulation) is there. I think I just lost sight of it .
The longer you leave telling him how you feel, the greater the chance he will meet someone else. Talk him, the worse that could happen is he doesn't feel the same way.
Maybe you should say something to him. You could always try getting a babysitter and spending some time alone together outside the house. See how things feel. See whether you think it is worth giving things another go without confusing your children by having him move back in or anything like that.
Sometimes losing what you have makes you appreciate it more. Sometimes splitting isn't the right thing to do.
I think you're sensible to wait to see if the feelings pass before mentioning it. On the other hand you don't want to leave it until you're sure you want to get back together only to find he's dating someone else.
Well I think this is one of those times when you should put your cards on the table. Tell him without begging of course you want to make another go of it. But life is bound to be hard with a baby of 14 months on your own. I agree with saying something sooner rather than later. If the answer is no that's sad but at least you won't be wishing you had acted sooner.
Also worth reading Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay, which gives you clear ways to evaluate the relationship.
If the basics are there, then you need to think hard about what is was that made you yearn for your own freedom and leave him. It may even be unrelated to him. And build it into your life. You might have a tendency to be all rosey tinted now and have the same amount of regret a month after getting back together. Are you seeing your own counsellor?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.