I want to write a letter to my DM. Whether it will be accepted for the truth within it, or the words twisted to suit I can only surmise.
The real problem, and the subject of the letter is mainly 'D'Dad, though really I can only refer to him as D from now on as he's definitely NOT dear to me.
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I posted on this site (under a different username) re my boy a few years ago . The wonderful posters on that thread kept me just on this side of sanity that night, and since then after observing many other threads, and reading often advice given on the 'Right, listen up everybody' thread, I have stood up for myself with him, moved house to be with my partner, and am finally looking at having a positive future.
Some past background -
Age 13 and after a very minor failing (involving the younger 'golden DB), D* kept me off school the following day, kept me sat at a table whilst he ranted about what a shame and a pity I was, that I was a failure, that I needed to see a psychiatrist. His ranting carried on all day, I was only allowed to leave the table to visit the loo. Result of that is that I've carried a lifelong guilt complex with me about everything..
He has constantly told me I'm a trouble maker and given the silent treatment which, oddly enough, seems to coincide with things I've done which he disapproved of.
I married a man he disapproved of. When the 'D'H became violent I went to my parents house for safety. D insisted I return to my marriage , and drove me back to my house and dumped me there, with my baby in my arms; (I believe this was to punish me for NOT marrying a man he DID approve of).
I did eventually leave the exh for good but wouldn't tell D where I was for fear of him making me return to exh again.
Throughout my life he has referred to me as a failure. A case in point is that when I completed a degree I undertook in my 40's, he got DM to tell me that he wouldn't believe it unless he saw the certificate. The fact that he'd seen the letter informing me of my success 'could have been made up' according to him.
Because he hated my exh it seems he also hated my child, telling me once that 'if he turns out to be a 'wrong 'un' get rid of him'.
As an adult he locked me in his kitchen and ranted at me (whilst mum stood there saying nothing) about how awful I was to my younger 'D'B, purely I think, because I didn't grovel to him and see rays of golden sunshine emanating from his various orifices. I was told to 'like him, to 'get on with him'' .
He always uses DM to guilt trip/ lever me into doing what he wants.
These are only a very few of things that have happened over the decades.
Recent background though has finally pushed me into going NC.
It began by wanting a change, to have the main of Christmas day 2014 alone with my partner, then we'd go visit them in the evening. D* was offhand with us all night to the point of rudeness., then when DB and family arrived we were totally ignored.
Then DM had a (major 'O' ) birthday. D decided to hold a 'surprise' party for her. I offered several times to help organise it with him. He refused me but then ranted at DM that no one would help him sort 'her surprise party' . DM ended up organising her own 'surprise party' (she told me this whilst in tears). I managed to sort out the cake, but he didn't eat any. Afterwards mum told me that as we didn't go back to their place after the 'party' (as D* had said DM was tired and needed to go home and rest), it was my fault they'd had to throw the rest of the cake away!
A few months later DP and self visited them where D* gave a mysogynistic, homophobic, racist rant about a person who had recently taken an allotment on the same site as his. I challenged him and saw the rage in his face, but he said nothing as DP was there (he only behaves like this towards DM and self when there are no witnesses) he also thinks he is always right, even though we live in a democratic society and other views are available. DP and I then left.
- A few weeks later I visited again. There was an atmosphere with him talking to me through DM. Then he left to go out for a walk. DM then launched into me re my weight (Said I'm fat), my dress sense (said I'm scruffy), the food I eat (I have allergies but it seems that I make it up), and that 'I used to look really good 20 years ago' (That was before I had a bad accident and developed a condition that affects my mobility in varying degrees).
This more than anything else has hurt me beyond belief. He has shouted at her, made her cry, belittled her in front of others, and gets her to do his dirty work for him for as long as I can remember, but yet as she said to me they work as a team^ .
He set her up yet again to belittle me and she thought it was alright to do that?
I haven't seen them since, though DM did call me a few months later asking if I'd made arrangements to take her out as we'd discussed on my last visit (before her verbal attack on me), but there was no apology, nothing, it was all about her.
My reply was how could I ever share a meal with her again after what she'd said, how could I ever go clothes shopping again knowing her opinion. Everything my D has ever said and done to me is nothing compared to what my DM did. I feel betrayed and lost.
HE IS A TOTAL, UTTER MANIPULATIVE, BULLYING, ABUSIVE, COWARDLY BASTARD AND I LOATHE HIM.
*He's since ignored me on the phone, cutting me off when I call.
I miss my DM, I know she has been conditioned by D to do as she does, but surely, we all have a choice? Just because someone encourages someone to do something, doesn't mean they HAVE to do it, does it?
I want to write to her, to tell her he won't pass the phone to her when I call, I just want to make sense of it all. I cannot just go and visit as D will probably become aggressive and I've no intention of enabling him to ever abuse me in any way again.
I have the total backing of my DP in all this. He listens and supports me in every aspect of my life, and I just don't want to drag my Ds behaviour into our new and wonderful life together.
After all of that my question is a simple one, should I write to her in the hope she will listen and accept my words for what they are, or is she so conditioned that it will only cause further angst for her?
After all, I've moved away and gone NC with him, DM cannot, mainly due to health and age.
I'm an intelligent woman, I have a business, I provided my self and child with a home with no help from anyone, and I would help anyone who needed it. Why will he not accept that actually I was - and still am - a success?
What a rotten mess this all is. My absolute thanks to you for reading and for any advice you may have. ]flowers]