My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Finally leaving ea h - scared.

135 replies

ColaSpangles · 03/04/2016 23:39

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

OP posts:
Report
Costacoffeeplease · 03/04/2016 23:40

Yes you're doing the right thing, well done for taking that first step, your lives will be so much better

Report
Marchate · 03/04/2016 23:42

Yes, leave on the quiet. It's not safe for you to tell him. Make sure you have birth/marriage certificates, passports, bank statements etc somewhere safe before you leave

Report
SheHasAWildHeart · 03/04/2016 23:43

What's your plan? Do you have somewhere to stay? Have you got emotional support from friends and family?

Report
scallopsrgreat · 03/04/2016 23:45

Have you got help to leave him Cola? If not Women's Aid or Refuge may be able to help. Leaving on the quiet is a good thing. Don't let him know what you are doing. But I'd get help to do it.

And you are absolutely doing the right thing Flowers.

Report
ohforfoxsake · 03/04/2016 23:47

You won't regret it. It's like breathing clean air again. Good luck and stay strong.

Report
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/04/2016 23:48

Of course you're doing the right thing. Your children will thank you for it.

Have you sorted out logistics?

Report
ColaSpangles · 04/04/2016 00:02

Thanks so much for wise words, everyone. I have temp accom sorted and have moved clothes food papers and stuff there quietly in advance. I have good family support though only dm most the time as my close ds lives in the US and doesn't get over much. But she's a strong support by phone etc. I've had advice from WA and police but somehow never quite feel I'm doing right because of the constant onslaught from h that I'm to blame and am evil for breaking up family. It's not going to stop me but I guess I'm in need of reassurance that I am doing right for me and dcs because he wears me down to the point I have no confidence in my own direction. I desperately want and need to stay firm in my resolve.

OP posts:
Report
ohforfoxsake · 04/04/2016 06:46

Once you have some distance you will be able to see things clearly. It helps enormously to build your resolve.

I had no idea XH was gaslighting me as much as he did. It became very clear very quickly. It was his infidelity, his EA that broke us. To this day he has never apologised or taken ownership of what he has done in any way. It took just a year from ending the marriage to divorce. If I hadn't of ended it when I did I would have lost myself completely. I'm back to being me, with a lovely new bf and I am constantly surprised by how normal relationships work.

Report
WellErrr · 04/04/2016 06:49

Sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I bet you'll find that once you're out, you will never doubt your decision - only regret not doing it sooner.

Stay strong Flowers

Report
NorksAreMessy · 04/04/2016 06:52

Star

Now THIS is what real strength looks like.
Good luck, and we are with you all the way.

Report
CrikeyPeg · 04/04/2016 07:11

Yes, you are doing this the right way. Be careful, stay strong, stay safe! Frowned up on in here for some reason but whatever, hugs and strength Cola

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 04/04/2016 09:16

You are absolutely doing the right thing.
You are showing your DC that this is NOT how life has to be and that no-one should put up with it.
Well done.
Get that exit plan absolutely full proof and get out and be happy.
Good luck!

Report
CrikeyPeg · 04/04/2016 09:26

Cola, I meant that hugs are frowned upon in here, not the way you are doing things :)

Report
Resilience16 · 04/04/2016 11:03

You are doing the right thing. You deserve better,as do your kids. Good luck x

Report
ColaSpangles · 04/04/2016 12:40

Thanks so much for your supportive messages, they mean so much and are such a help. I am plunging into the unknown today. See you on the other side!

OP posts:
Report
balia · 04/04/2016 12:43

Good luck, safe journey.

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 04/04/2016 12:48

That journey might seem long but it will be sooo worth it.
Keep strong and good luck.
Here's to your future happiness without abusive pricks in it!

Report
kittybiscuits · 04/04/2016 12:50

Best of luck. It's the right thing. You and your DCs will flourish x

Report
ohforfoxsake · 04/04/2016 14:04

Be brave OP. For once the grass is actually greener on this side.

Report
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/04/2016 14:09

Best of luck!

Report
amarmai · 04/04/2016 14:13

you are doing the right thing for your dcc and yourself.telling no one and hiding your mn usage is also a good idea. Act braver than you really feel and do not go backwards.

Report
buzzpop · 04/04/2016 14:30

Good luck, stay strong Thanks

Report
dodobedoop · 04/04/2016 14:46

Good luck cola.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. When I was planning to leave STBXH, the mantra that kept me going was that we would all be happier.

It sounds as though you have planned so much already. Have you moved/scanned your photos?

Report
ColaSpangles · 04/04/2016 21:13

Am out. But constant bull dozing texts and calls and when I tried to ignore he called my dc :-(

OP posts:
Report
ColaSpangles · 04/04/2016 21:13

Lots of implied threats.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.