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Inexperienced - what should I expect at this stage?

(13 Posts)
blueberrymojito Sat 02-Apr-16 22:38:54

I've been seeing a lovely man for 3 months or so. Things have been going well and he does lovely things such as cooking me nice meals, something I've never had before, and we've enjoyed some lovely days and evenings out.

I've been single for three years and this new partner, who is in his early thirties, has never had a relationship until now. He's been on several dates before though.

Here's the problem. He never ever expresses how he feels about me or us. Never tells me he likes me, is looking forward to seeing me, is pleased he met me. Nothing! If I say it to him, he doesn't say it back, he almost seems to change the subject to avoid the conversation completely. Is this normal at this stage? I'm not one for declaring undying love this early on, and I'm not mushy myself, but something, any sort of positive feedback would be nice. We have great conversations and he's physically affectionate, but he almost talks to me as if I were a good friend. There's nothing 'cute' or 'coupley' about the way he talks to me.

Am I expecting too much? I'm starting to wonder if this isn't just because he's inexperienced in relationships, but why he's never managed to have one at all at his age. I've dropped subtle hints about how I feel to no avail.

Can anyone offer any insight?

pallasathena Sun 03-Apr-16 10:30:12

He sees you as a 'mate', which means he's fond of you but not madly in love with you. It could progress of course but I wouldn't push it, just let it all develop naturally.
If you come over as too needy you could push him away. No-one likes pressure put on them to do or say something so leave it and enjoy what you do have without displaying dissatisfaction for what you haven't.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 03-Apr-16 10:33:00

I think he's probably just not there yet. He's changing the subject because he doesn't want to tell you.

It's been three months which isn't very long really, and people have no control over when they start having serious feelings. If he'd treating you well and seeing you a lot, he must enjoy spending time with you, so I'd just take it as it is at the moment and see if it develops into something more.

Mondrian Sun 03-Apr-16 10:45:34

He doesn't know how to express himself, keep saying it to him and he will catch on (eventually).

Slowdecrease Sun 03-Apr-16 17:18:37

Are you having sex with him? If he treats you nicely he likes you clearly.

TheNaze73 Sun 03-Apr-16 17:51:20

It's only been 3 months, I would want or expect too kic at this stage? Are you exclusive? To me that would speak volumes if you are

TheNaze73 Sun 03-Apr-16 17:52:15

That made no sense! I wouldn't want or expect too much at this stage, is what I meant

ladylouanne Sun 03-Apr-16 21:12:48

Blueberry, I could have written your post at 3 months, in fact I think I started a couple of similar type threads. In my case, my chap did say things when we were together that reassured me eg I was making him happy, he loved being with me etc, but we can only meet at weekends and there was little of a similar nature in between times. He texts every day and calls a few times in the week, but tbh, I could probably share the content of such texts and calls with my mother without worrying - nothing very 'coupley' at all!

Anyway, we're now at 6 months. Things feel lovely between us, and while there is still not as much of the coupley type talk as I'd like, there are other signs of commitment - eg increased contact, a few days away together being planned firnthe summer etc. He hasn't told me he loves me and I am desperately holding back from telling him first as I don't want to rush him. We recently had a fortnight when we couldn't meet and he told me in a text - unprompted - that he was missing me. Such a small thing to some I'm sure, but to me it meant a lot as he is normally more reserved.

There are so many other things he does that show me he cares too and it's important to remember these as they mean as much as words.

I guess what I'm saying is that for now, go with a 'deeds not words' philosophy. MN is full of tales of men who tell women how much they care one minute and then treat them badly the next. If he is treating you well and seems keen to be with you, just let it flow for a bit. Yes, there might come a point where you need to hear more (I know there will for me), but that's a few months down the line.

Finally, even if he improves a bit, you'll probably need to accept that he is never going to be penning you romantic poetry. Whether that matters or not is up to you!

Minime85 Sun 03-Apr-16 21:51:47

I think three months is early especially if only seeing each other at weekends and not regularly in week too. I think I'd need some idea of if he could see a future of some sort and what that was. Maybe he is a slow burner? You have to do what's right for you and if you need to ask then ask directly. I'd certainly have wanted to have had the exclusivity conversation that someone else up thread mentioned.

ladylouanne Sun 03-Apr-16 22:13:34

Is it normal to have an 'exclusivity' conversation? to be honest, we never have. I just know from the way he openly tells me what is doing every day, the fact he works long hours, and the way he responds or answers the phone whenever I make contact that he doesn't have a string of women on the go. I think he'd be a bit insulted if I asked him now tbh.

the OP said that her bloke has very little relationship experience and this is probably coming across in his style. I suspect he'd have all the right lines at his disposal is this wasn't an exclusive set up.

WetLettuce123 Sun 03-Apr-16 22:17:40

I'm going to go against the grain slightly and say actually I think this could be ok, it could be a personality thing. My brother (early 30s, dating, could that be him?!) sounds just like the man you describe. He's a very sweet, caring, lovely bloke, hadn't ever had a proper relationship just hasn't met the right person yet, but would never really gush about someone. Doesn't mean he isn't keen though he just isn't the type to talk about his feeling much. He's showing you he likes you with his actions though.

Wonders if OP is dating my brother

turkeylovessprout Sun 03-Apr-16 22:28:06

I'm a woman and I'm similar!
I find it difficult to express myself though have loads of empathy and am actually very sensitive. I don't really like all the mushy stuff though and if someone is full on with that it can kind of drive me away and I end up wondering how genuine it is.
I'm bad with receiving compliments and can never just say 'thank you'. I always have to say something to put a downer on myself.
I'm not at all critical and just take people for who they are but I do struggle with superficial or very charasmatic people.
Pretty quiet, don't say very much but feel loads and am very tuned into feelings of others.
People often mistake me for not caring when I don't say stuff but inside I am really struggling to express myself properly.
I'd actually trust this guy much more than someone who kept giving me cute compliments or being overly affectionate at first.
My instinct is to say he does like you, but he's just not quite sure yet if he wants to let himself go.

WellErrr Sun 03-Apr-16 22:29:50

Is there a chance that he is a virgin and scared of getting too close?

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