Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Texts to his ex(36 Posts)
I'm a being unreasonable that after a year together my boyfriends ex still finds it acceptable to text him any time of the day.
I have to disclose now that I am only aware of the extent of this due to using his iPad (linked to his phone) and in that time a conversation played out. So curiosity for got the better of me and it's just hundreds of messages.
She seems to Initiate conversation almost daily, there are times when I guess she had gone a few weeks without messaging but for the most part she is in touch daily.
He always replies. Is always apologetic to her if it's a slow reply.
They do have children, I am aware that they might need to converse about them but some of the conversations were up to twenty texts long. (All day).
General chat, laughing and the occasional memory thrown in.
They don't put kisses or talk feelings etc.
They've been separated 18 months. He doesn't seem to iniate conversation or send any texts. But always responds and seems happy to chat.
Is it weird ?! Normal ?! I feel a bit put out
Think about it, no normal sane woman is texting an ex for no reason father of her dc or not.
I used to think it was weird my now ex had texts from his ex all the time. I thought ffs get over him ect and now we're friends I realise it was him giving her room for those type of texts. If he wasn't still trying to shag her every now and again and generally going to her if we argued ect then she wouldn't of been texting.
Just because you see texts from her doesn't mean you know the full story.
I see his responses.
There is nothing flirty - just friendly it is the amount though and that he is happy to maintain that level of communication with his ex.
I impress that I understand they have children but it makes me wonder why he doesn't ignore her etc when it's not to do with the kids.
If they get on so well and have children, why is she an ex?
I think the reasons they separated are important in trying to understand how he feels about her.
But regardless, if you're not happy about it you need to let him know and decide what you'll do if he continues this level of contact with her.
You know your DP better than any of us and your relationship with him. What were the circumstances of their break up and the topics of the messages?
IMO it's perfectly reasonable for people to stay civil after a break up and if the topics of convo are neutral (kids) then that sounds fine. If however they are texting for company, support or comfort then that's when the lines get blurred.
Why not speak to him and bring her up in convo casually? I would just be honest and say I'd stumbled on the messages and was surprised to see how often SHE text him (so your not accusing him) and have an honest chat about it.
Or just keep reading them until you see something you don't like but we all know that won't end as well!
I think he left her, he said he'd been unhappy for a while and in the end he wanted to leave. (I've not pushed for more as it seemed plausable).
They are amicable and they parent well.
But it unsettles me now I know that some days they talk a lot, more than we do or I feel is necessary for exes to need to.
A lot of the time I assume she is just lonely.
She'll text something funny she's seen or about the kids and it's just normal conversation.
Sometimes I think she uses him to vent to and he is an ear. He said he was always there for her.
Unless you have any other cause to worry I wouldn't be concerned.
My OH has kids with his ex and she believes the split is amicable and treats him as a friend (texts, natters on about her life etc.) at first it unnerved me but well over 2 years later I now understand that he allows this perception to continue because it makes dealing with childcare etc. so much easier. He couldn't really care less and would like to have a clean break but when kids are involved it's far easier to play along at being friends and also far healthier for the children.
To be fair, if I let her I'm sure she would be pally with me too and OH and I do joke that when we get married she's going to be terribly upset that she's not invited to the wedding lol.
Think about it, no normal sane woman is texting an ex for no reason father of her dc or not.
My ex and I text, sometimes numerous texts a day. Sometimes about the kids, sometimes about other things we think are interesting. I'm normal and sane, and so is he.
We are friends, hopefully we always will be.
She isn't texting for no reason. She is texting because they are still part of each other's lives.
If they want to be friends, that's their business.
If he's concealing that from you, why?
I don't think he's concealing I've just never asked so he has no reason to tell.
I just find it odd that they are in such great contact - it's not one or two texts a week sometimes it's high into double figures.
I guess it's not as uncommon as I though.
Runner05, you and your boyfriend sound horrible. Probably not intended and perhaps not the case, but your post was pretty shitty.
OP, if the texts are as innocent and non-romantic as you say, what is it about them that bothers you exactly? Has he ever lied about the amount of contact or what is it that has you rattled enough to post here? You say you feel put out, but I don't see the issue really.
In general I would say it is not normal to be texting your ex as frequently as that, even if they are on good terms. But if they have children together, you need to tread carefully. They need to be in regular contact with each other, and it is obviously in everyone's best interests (particularly their children) that they get on. If you start trying to intervene, it could put a strain on the amicable relationship he has with his ex and make it more difficult for him to co-parent with her. I get that it's always tricky to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids, but if you want this relationship to work out, you're going to have to accept that his kids and his ex will always be a part of his life and deal with that as best you can. For now I think you should concentrate on your relationship with him and try to communicate with him as much as possible. Maybe he is talking to his ex because of the kids, because they have a lot of shared history, or because she needs a bit of emotional support. Make sure he isn't talking to her because he needs emotional support and he isn't getting it from you. You can't build up years of shared history overnight, and it is quite normal to feel that you can't "compete" with a long-term ex. But she is his ex for a reason, so focus on the reasons why he is with you now, and try to make your relationship the best it can be.
I split up with DS1's Dad almost 10 years ago. We text often, at least a few times a week. We're also friends on Facebook and I tag him in stuff to do with DS1. DS2 (not his DS) loves him. Genuinely loves him. It's got to be better for us all than hating one another.
Understandably it could feel a little odd meeting someone who's remained friends with their ex, though. Have you had a talk about how you feel? Could you?
The only thing that unsettles me is the amount, some days the kids aren't even mentioned they are just talking away.
Before I mentioned I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to come across as ludicrous and that there was a little weight behind my need to rock the boat.
I support his relationship with his ex and that the better he is with her the children will benefit.
My own parents divorced and parted amicably, but I know that had phones been as prevalent then as they are now they wouldn't have been in touch near as much.
They were friends but not close.
Ina, what a strange assessment you have made of Runner05 on the basis of one post.
I would suggest it is more you that "sounds horrible" rather than Runner.
I split up with ex 16 years ago, our DD is now grown up and independent. We still have the odd chat, sadly these days when a mutual friend dies more often than not.
We do also flag up things the other might be interested in and I'm facebook friends with his wife. I'd never do/say anything I wouldn't be comfortable with his wife seeing and I'd expect her to be aware of any comms we do have and have referenced conversations I've had with him to her.
However, in the interests of complete honesty (and pre his marriage) we did have a few 'oh, if only it had turned out differently' conversations, but now I think this was mainly because we have always liked each other and were good co-parents to our child but a rubbish couple.
As long as he's open about it, I wouldn't worry, they must have got on and liked each other at some point and splitting up doesn't automatically mean that affection disappears. As they continue to co-parent there are advantages in them having a positive relationship going forwards and you'll benefit from that too.
If he's secretive, you've got a problem.
I agree with, Ina. Runner's post sounded pretty spiteful.
Maybe so RealityCheque, horribleness being in the eye of the beholder etc. But, the idea that Runner and her BF get lots of 'lols' out of laughing at his exes expense, behind her back, all the while she thinks they are on good terms, does not a very nice person maketh. In my (strange?) assessment obvs.
OP, why not just have a chat with your OH. I'm sure he will put any concerns you have to rest. He has done nothing really wrong at the end of the day. To be honest when I started reading this I half expected that you'd stumbled across some rude content in these texts. As this is not the case, I think your OH would be happy to cut back on the contact if you find it problematic. And of course, if his ex sees him as only a friend, it shouldn't be an issue for her either.
Agree that Runner's post sounded mean. An amicable EASY friendship between exes who co-parent is rare but does that mean it should be sneered at? I can't comment on the OP situation, it could be innocent, it may not be. Some marriages end up as friends co-parenting and if that then continues, so long as it isn't intimate or usurping the new DP, then surely it is to be encouraged?
Talk to your DP, OP. Have you met her? Would it help to get a bit more friendly with her? Tell him you feel unsettled and talk about it.
Personally if I split up from DH and we remained good friends and I remarried, I would ask him if he wanted to come to my wedding. He may prefer not to. I may prefer not to go to his. But I would ask. This woman will be a part of your life whilst you are with your DP. Isn't it better than it is easy going and friendly?
I've not met her no.
I've yet to meet his children either and I guess that adds to the unsettlement.
He said he doesn't want to entangle his life with them and his relationship until the time is right.
When did you last talk to him about it?
You say you've been together a year? And they split up 18 months ago? If you got together only 6 months after he split up with his ex then I can understand him not wanting to complicate things by introducing you to his kids initially. But after a year...well, perhaps you should just have a general conversation with him about whether he's happy in the relationship, where he sees things going etc and see what he says.
Is it perhaps fair to say that this is more about you wondering where the relationship is going and feeling a bit jealous of the easy intimacy that he still has with his ex?
If he is serious about the relationship with you then at some point you will need to meet his kids and most probably his ex as well. So perhaps if it's been a while since you last talked about it, it might be worth bringing the subject up again and seeing how he reacts.
We have spoken about the children recently.
He doesn't want to share his time with them with anyone at the moment.
I work for him and the children are around when they visit, I've not been introduced as a friend it's just thoroughly avoided.
When I have asked about why or when ?! He says that he is just not willing to hurt his ex by having another's involvement until it's right and until he feels it's right for the children.
Well if that's the way he feels then it looks like you will just have to accept it for the time being. I would just focus on your relationship with him and see how things go. It doesn't sound easy.
I had wondered if there were regrets on both parts or if they were both unwilling to completely let go and that's why he and her are still in touch so much etc and I am not yet a bigger part of his life.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.