Sorry, this will be long and I feel like it might be a bit identifying as MN is so big but i just need help with one thing. I posted a few times about my mum's eventual sickness and passing. Today was her funeral.
I have a great aunt who is... difficult. Basically, I have had and still have MH problems and OCD and throughout my life have really struggled. My Mum and her Aunt are close in age and were close, but my Great Aunt has never been quiet about her dislike of me or a lot of people in the family.
I went NC with her after she made me break down. She ranted at me and told me that if my mum died it would be my fault because she does too much for me (i was 19 and home from uni for the summer, my public transport anxiety meant that on the occasion i left the house i would get a lift - my mum agreed to this because at least i was leaving the house). Bearing in mind my mum would cook and give money to great aunts kids, i came home for one summer and was treated to an hour of verbal assault. This was not too long after the time she got involved in a separate family drama and caused a huge rift between one family member (who is terminally ill) and her children.
Anyway, my mum got sick. Continually at my mums bedside there were nasty comments and she'd run off and tell my relative a pack of lies about me making me out to be nasty demanding and lazy, try to ban people from the bedside, spoke continually about suicide, all while my mum was conscious. My mum begged me to keep strong.
Today was my mums funeral and i decided to keep my policy of no comments, nothing just politeness. She got up on the stage and said "i sometimes thought she was a bit of an idiot" "she would often cook for my kids, always put others first. Her children were her priority, i thought she did too much for them but i mean you don't come between a mother and a child do you?"
Now, I don't deny my mum did so much for me as any loving, non abusive mother would. But. I lived in a different city to my mother almost 12 months of the year and the time spent together amounted to maybe 3 weeks tops. Beyond that all we did was skype and phonecalls talking about our day.
So how was this warranted?
At the wake she decided to hover around and insist my friend and boyfriend ate soup even though we were waitIng for the main food to be served, she made no bones of looking directly at me when she spoke to others, presumably commenting on me. She made a huge fuss of the "horrible mess" my brother would make of the funeral he planned alone with his dad... Actually turned out to be everything my mum would have wanted. We parted without saying goodbye and i do hope to never speak to her ever again. I think she thinks i will one day come running to her because i'm so needy and awful (apparently) but I will never need her for anything because my support network is so wonderful.
Everyone praised my speech, my honesty and bravery, how much i am like her and all these lovely things. But I struggle to not let this weed of a womans toxic behaviour overshadow the whole day. I have very black and white thinking so I get hung up on the one bad thing and my mum deserves better! I know that no one could have enjoyed her behaviour, I know that everyone must have been hurt by the idiot comment and everyone came with so much love, and support for my mother. It was the most wonderful send off and people said how I did her proud. It was just lovely so why can't I let go of my aunts nasty behaviour and be happy that for the most part it was amazing?? Please help and sorry my message is so disjointed! I'm sure you can imagine why.
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Great aunts nastiness overshadowing DMs funeral
Fauchelevent · 01/04/2016 00:53
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Your dear mum sounds lovely and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Has it occurred to you that the reason your great aunt was so horrible to you and launched into a diatribe on such an inappropriate occasion - I have to call it a diatribe as it certainly doesn't seem to have been much in the way of a eulogy - is that she envied your dm and was jealous of the bond you shared as mother & daughter?
There's no doubt in my mind that your much loved and respected mum had the most wonderful send off and that all of those who loved her, including of course yourself, did her proud and the fact that your great aunt was her usual hateful self is because, try as she might, she wasn't the centre of attention .
Think of her as a badtempered fairy whose anger stems from being powerless to cast evil spells over those who are more talented, attractive, popular, etc, than she is. Can you see her flitting around getting her wings in a twist and with smoke coming out of her ears as she waves her wand in vain? As she's the size of a wasp you can pick up a fly swotter, or a rolled up newspaper, and whack her till she's flat as a pancake.
If you visualise this scene everytime you think of her you'l begin to realise just how ineffectual she truly is as you can squish her any time you want and, should you have the misfortune to encounter her again, you can do this in rl with a few well-chosen words that your mum will put into your head.
Take all of that tangible love and support you felt yesterday foward with you and know that you are the daughter your mum wanted you to be, and that you have inherited from her all of those positive qualities that drew others to her and caused them to love.
It sounds like your GA made a proper fool of herself, at the most inappropriate time.
I fear from what you have said that she may try to stay in your life, as you serve a purpose for her, so in a way she has done you a favour because you don't need to feel one iota of guilt about having no further contact.
Now put her out of your mind and take care of yourself
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