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Great aunts nastiness overshadowing DMs funeral(14 Posts)
Sorry, this will be long and I feel like it might be a bit identifying as MN is so big but i just need help with one thing. I posted a few times about my mum's eventual sickness and passing. Today was her funeral.
I have a great aunt who is... difficult. Basically, I have had and still have MH problems and OCD and throughout my life have really struggled. My Mum and her Aunt are close in age and were close, but my Great Aunt has never been quiet about her dislike of me or a lot of people in the family.
I went NC with her after she made me break down. She ranted at me and told me that if my mum died it would be my fault because she does too much for me (i was 19 and home from uni for the summer, my public transport anxiety meant that on the occasion i left the house i would get a lift - my mum agreed to this because at least i was leaving the house). Bearing in mind my mum would cook and give money to great aunts kids, i came home for one summer and was treated to an hour of verbal assault. This was not too long after the time she got involved in a separate family drama and caused a huge rift between one family member (who is terminally ill) and her children.
Anyway, my mum got sick. Continually at my mums bedside there were nasty comments and she'd run off and tell my relative a pack of lies about me making me out to be nasty demanding and lazy, try to ban people from the bedside, spoke continually about suicide, all while my mum was conscious. My mum begged me to keep strong.
Today was my mums funeral and i decided to keep my policy of no comments, nothing just politeness. She got up on the stage and said "i sometimes thought she was a bit of an idiot" "she would often cook for my kids, always put others first. Her children were her priority, i thought she did too much for them but i mean you don't come between a mother and a child do you?"
Now, I don't deny my mum did so much for me as any loving, non abusive mother would. But. I lived in a different city to my mother almost 12 months of the year and the time spent together amounted to maybe 3 weeks tops. Beyond that all we did was skype and phonecalls talking about our day.
So how was this warranted?
At the wake she decided to hover around and insist my friend and boyfriend ate soup even though we were waitIng for the main food to be served, she made no bones of looking directly at me when she spoke to others, presumably commenting on me. She made a huge fuss of the "horrible mess" my brother would make of the funeral he planned alone with his dad... Actually turned out to be everything my mum would have wanted. We parted without saying goodbye and i do hope to never speak to her ever again. I think she thinks i will one day come running to her because i'm so needy and awful (apparently) but I will never need her for anything because my support network is so wonderful.
Everyone praised my speech, my honesty and bravery, how much i am like her and all these lovely things. But I struggle to not let this weed of a womans toxic behaviour overshadow the whole day. I have very black and white thinking so I get hung up on the one bad thing and my mum deserves better! I know that no one could have enjoyed her behaviour, I know that everyone must have been hurt by the idiot comment and everyone came with so much love, and support for my mother. It was the most wonderful send off and people said how I did her proud. It was just lovely so why can't I let go of my aunts nasty behaviour and be happy that for the most part it was amazing?? Please help and sorry my message is so disjointed! I'm sure you can imagine why.
I am sorry that your mother has died and that you had such horrible treatment at her funeral. Possibly you can't let it go because it was the height of injustice and it came at a time when you would be particularly vulnerable emotionally.
Maybe every time you catch yourself thinking about your great aunt, force yourself to go through all the nice comments that you received from your other friends and relations, or think of good memories that you shared with your mother. That way all her nastiness will do is bring the kindness of others to the forefront. With time, you will probably find you think of her less and less but it may take a few months because what she has done is really unfair.
I doubt anyone else was too impressed with her either.
Your dear mum sounds lovely and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Has it occurred to you that the reason your great aunt was so horrible to you and launched into a diatribe on such an inappropriate occasion - I have to call it a diatribe as it certainly doesn't seem to have been much in the way of a eulogy - is that she envied your dm and was jealous of the bond you shared as mother & daughter?
There's no doubt in my mind that your much loved and respected mum had the most wonderful send off and that all of those who loved her, including of course yourself, did her proud and the fact that your great aunt was her usual hateful self is because, try as she might, she wasn't the centre of attention .
Think of her as a badtempered fairy whose anger stems from being powerless to cast evil spells over those who are more talented, attractive, popular, etc, than she is. Can you see her flitting around getting her wings in a twist and with smoke coming out of her ears as she waves her wand in vain? As she's the size of a wasp you can pick up a fly swotter, or a rolled up newspaper, and whack her till she's flat as a pancake.
If you visualise this scene everytime you think of her you'l begin to realise just how ineffectual she truly is as you can squish her any time you want and, should you have the misfortune to encounter her again, you can do this in rl with a few well-chosen words that your mum will put into your head.
Take all of that tangible love and support you felt yesterday foward with you and know that you are the daughter your mum wanted you to be, and that you have inherited from her all of those positive qualities that drew others to her and caused them to love.
the last of words of the final paragraph in my post above should read 'caused them to love her'
These are truly lovely responses, thank you. I had a sleep - not many hours but after not sleeping properly since the clocks changed (well, since Dec but its been even worse lately) it was so nice to hit the pillow and sleep.
madame first thank you for your thoughts. You're right, I'm going to find ways to knock the power out of her words, especially knowing I did well and tried to make sure everyone felt happy and good and my brother who organised the event did so well, whereas she was spreading unhappiness all day so on balance, maybe people saw with their own eyes how far from the truth that my brother and i are not who she claims we are. Even her own daughter praised us!
goddess she truly was, she radiated light! And yes, absolutely. Both my best friend and the relative who she tried to separate from her Mum said she just seemed very jealous of my closeness. After all my Mum and I doted on each other and were like sisters. We travelled together and told each other everything and she always had a cold relationship with everyone, never anything sisterly. I remember once during that rant I said my Mum is like my sister and it infuriated her. Sorry but it's true! She was a Mother, father sister and friend to me and her not wanting it to be true doesn't make it true!!
Thank you so much for that support. I mustn't let her bad tempered fairy behaviour win. In the end, there is nothing true in her words, and what matters is my memories with my mum not her false lies - something she can never destroy!
So sorry about the loss of your Mum, she will Leave a big Mum
sized space in your life.
You and your Brother made a lovely job of the funeral . All your GA did was make a big spectacle of herself. Nothing to reflect on your Mum, or anyone else's memories of your Mum. Her jealousy, bitterness and self-absorption will have been crystal clear to all, as will your dignity in the face of it.
She really is a bad fairy. But luckily she has no special powers. She cannot put curses on spinning wheels or poison in apples, so you can walk free while she stews in her own juice. You are free of her.
Look after yourself, OP.
You cannot account for the persepective of others, in all things that applies.
I'd say she humiliated herself if anything and you've nothing to worry about on that front. I'd place a safe bet on the fact everyone feels the same way as you about her behavior. Concentrate on rebuilding your life as your mum would want you to. You say you've got a good support network so you don't need your aunt at all, leave her to mess her own life up.
OP - goddess is (as usual) right on the money.
Great Aunt couldn't bear to see all those people who so loved your DM, and tried to drag her memory down to her level - the 'idiot' comment, the love DM had for you she classed as 'neediness', the things she did for you as you being 'grasping' in some way.
great Aunt does not know how to love someone so that you do everything for them willingly. She has, likewise, never been loved like that, so she is totally jealous of those (like you) who know what that love is like.
Feel sorry for her, poor, withered, lonely, bitter old crone.
I'm so sorry about your mum.
To say that at a funeral...I have no words. Her attitude is her problem and I'm sure that based on what she said, alone, people will know/realise what she is like.
Don't bother with her again, then she can't get to you.
It scares me a lot to think if this happened when I was younger - which it nearly did as my mum survived a brain haemorrhage - I would have been her ward! And since when I was younger I was suffering most with anorexia, OCD and other things - all of which she has no tolerance for... god I dread to think! I'm so glad I'm old enough to be able to keep her out of my life!
You're all so right. She has no power any more and can say what she likes because the lies don't match the evidence! Plus now I won't see her all she can moan about is how "my mum would have wanted me to stay in touch" when actually my mum was all for NC! She warned me if she would be somewhere and knew I'd return to my city as soon as I could. My Mum knew her for who she was but bless her soul has a lot more tolerance than I do.
It sounds like your GA made a proper fool of herself, at the most inappropriate time.
I fear from what you have said that she may try to stay in your life, as you serve a purpose for her, so in a way she has done you a favour because you don't need to feel one iota of guilt about having no further contact.
Now put her out of your mind and take care of yourself
Agree with others, this woman made a fool out of herself. She had to make it all about her and her agenda.
Bitter old cow.
Don't allow her any further power in your life. She sounds the type that has left a trail of destruction in relationships wherever she goes.
Hold on to the good stuff & stick to the people who love you x
Oh how awful. I'm so sorry for you. Please don't let people like this ruin memories for you. Believe me, speaking as someone who has both struggled with MH problems and as a mother myself you NEVER put onto your mum or any of the other horrible things being thrown at you. As a mother my children come before anything. That's normal and I'm sure she didn't begrudge a second of it because that's what mothers do - care for their child in times of need. Hopefully you won't ever have to speak to or hear from this poisonous woman again. Keep you head held high
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