Has anyone ever felt that they are "wrong" for relationships?

[marzipanmaggie]

Just wondering about this and seeking a bit of hand-holding here really. I'm in therapy for this and up to a point it helps me understand that this is my perception, not objective reality, but its really hard to shake that fundamental feeling and I wonder if this is normal and how others cope with it.

I've fairly recently come out of what had become an abusive marriage which is another story, but I've basically felt like this since I was old enough to be sexually/romantically active. I felt that I had "not relationship material" written through me like a stick of rock, as if there's some essence of me people can home in on from 30 paces that screams "not for a relationship" at men. I'm averagely attractive for my age, take care of myself, am not stupid, solvent and reasonably confident (outwardly). I am told I am charismatic and good fun. I haven't had a lot of casual sexual encounters (not that I have any problem with people who do but I know that's something that can impact the way you are perceived). I have had some longish term relationships but have been single more often than not and I've always felt deep down that I wasn't "the one" for anyone I've been with and that they were using me and didn't see me as someone they could fall in love with. I felt like that even with my husband even though it was me who ended the marriage and I always feel that I am second or third best - at best - for any person I am involved with. I have never felt that anyone truly loved me. I know this is irrational and probably untrue but its very very strongly ingrained in me. Even in good, intense therapy which helps me deal with it, I still basically believe this to be fundamentally true. It comes and goes but its still there.

Does anyone else feel like this? If even therapy doesn't shake it, do I have a chance of ever dealing with it?

[expatinscotland]

I never felt like I had to be in a couple relationship to feel completely happy and fulfilled.

There are so many types of love in the world.

Work on yourself to where you don't need validation from a couple relationship to be happy and you might find things a lot better in life.

[marzipanmaggie]

expat this is just it though, I'm not the kind of person who has to be in a relationship. I'm not a serial monogomist. I've been on my own for long periods and would always prefer to be single than in a relationship which I was lukewarm about. And in my own rather dysfunctional way I'm very choosy.
Its just that when I do fall for people I always feel that deep down they don't love me. And behave accordingly, whether they are showing signs that they love me or not.

[expatinscotland]

Then don't fall for people? You do have a degree of control over it. I'm a very bad judge of character when it comes to men, tbh.

[Temporaryanonymity]

Actually, I get it. Perhaps I wouldn't articulate it as strongly as you but yes, I feel a little bit the same. In fact, I have nearly started a similar thread.

I have been married, and have had one live in relationship. However, I still feel at 40 that my relationships have been lacking in some way. Since separating from my husband I have been in a casual relationship with a man who has made it clear that it will never be any more than that. Yet I have stayed in it.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. As a teen I never had a boyfriend. Nor at uni. Plenty of one nighters though; I never had a problem finding those!

I have a date on Friday and I feel ambivalent about it. I suspect from past experience it won't work out so part of me can't be bothered to even try now.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

Yes I feel similarly.

I have issues from childhood and other things that impact on my ability to feel/recognise 'love'.

I'm not desperate. I've been married but, like you, I knew he didn't love me and I didn't love him. It worked for us at the time. I've had one long term (3yr) relationship other than that, and 2 shorter relationships ending after a few months. I ended both of those because they didn't meet my needs for various reasons.

I'm happy to be single. Do a degree. I'm not needy, I don't feel I'm incomplete without a relationship, I have a friendship group that meets my needs for social contact. I'm not 'dating'.

I also feel like I'm not really cut out for relationships. The sad thing is I would like to love and be loved one day, but the older I get, (early 40s) the less likely I think it is to happen.

[goldenjmm1]

Hi, I did not notice your age, bu† believe me the wrong male for you I what is happening. Remember, most times we feel like we pick out our male that we would want a relationship with. Most times if your are okay in most areas as I saw, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Males sense the females who are easy going believe me, I have been through it. First of all, you need †o get your self esteem higher of yourself. Stop looking back and if and is it your fault, answer NO. A book was written years ago of Smart Women making wrong decisions. It was something like that. You divorced him for a good reason. The best thing for you is first to get yourself in order. Get a good hair style a few good clothes. Be good to yourself first. Then learn to LOVE yourself first. Believe me woman need to love ourselves before we can really truly love a male. It is hard too for us woman. We all have been put on the back burner since the beginning of time. You need to let go of this past. Forgive him and forgive you. Harder than saying it. Then you need time to get yourself together. The worst thing we can do is rush into another relationship. We are vulnerable. We all want to be loved. You need time to understand yourself and the type of man that would make you happy. And I do believe males know within 3 to 6 months what their intentions of a female. If marriage is what you really want, 2 years to me is a limit. I can not see your age, so I say this just in case you wanted children. Some tips, yoga, meditation, good diet. Force yourself tø look into the mirror and say I am number 1, I love you. It also sounds you are doubting yourself too. Stop that do not dwell, ? some depression also. Divorce is hard on all. So chin up, get up, and get going. I dislike all the commercials going back to thin, thin, thin, and miracle creams. Do you really believe that those creams are miracles? I saw a female that sells argon oil. The last time I saw her, I was so amazed. She has bangs, I do too at 68, but I have a high forehead. I looked at her and she looked 19 years old. She does not sell the product online anymore others do. Females have came so far with this thin thing. Yes, my metabolism is high and I am thin. Obesity is not good either, but I get so angry that we have had so many deaths from females and males that have died from anorexia nervosa and bulimia. We started to love ourselves. Not all of us can be twigs, but society to me has gone backwards. What happened to aging gracefully? So get out of the house be with other friends. Go shopping get a new outfit that makes you look great. Believe me their is so many more for larger females than think. Boy, they look good to me. Believe me I have been there in my life also too. Now it is the time to go on. You do not mention why divorced too? I was married the first time to my High School sweetheart. We were called Mr. and Mrs. America, lol. Well he hated his dad for his dad left his mom for another woman when she was pregnant with him. This was her 7th. She was beautiful inside and out. He swore, vowed I would never do that to you or my children. Guess what? He did. Then after trying to divorce him, he calls and wants to remarry while he is with who knows. My second husband was like a big Teddy Bear, so good to my children and me. He never lied. I like the truth no matter how bad. Yes, I got married, Boom the next day he changed. He was a passive aggressive. So who said, women when the band goes on changes. So give yourself at least 2 years too. Date, but know yourself okay. But let all the other crap go. Good Luck, Blessings, Light, Love to You, Joan

[goldenjmm1]

I saw another message, Please if you fall for a male and the male does not LOVE you get OUT ASAP. Men do change their minds on marriage, but most times if they say no no no, they mean it. But, never be in a relationship that a man does not love you. You are opening yourself for a lifetime of hurt. We love some and some we do not. We can not make anyone LOVE us, so if that is what you need I say Dump him. Your self esteem will be 0 with this guy. We all deserve to be LOVED AND LOVE. So do not even think let him go. Joan

[NotTheFordType]

Please if you fall for a male and the male does not LOVE you get OUT ASAP
Don't do this if the "male" is your cat, dog or other animal who can be described as "male".

Some people are better off not in exclusive relationships, especially those that involve living together. There is no fucking way I'd let a man (or woman) live with me again. Up until 5 yrs ago I'd always had supposedly exclusive LTRs; in all of them my partner cheated and in all but one I did.

[OrangeCrush19]

Me. I’m almost 44 and I’ve never had a real relationship - lots of one-night stands, lots of flings. I’ve been single for 8 years and I just can’t imagine ever being with someone again. I feel like I’m wired all wrong I’m not desperate but I’ve never been anyone’s priority and I’ve nevee been loved. I find that impossible to get my head round

[Gwenhwyfar]

What was your childhood like?

[WesternMeadowlark]

I'm a bit like this, and I have a theory that actually those of us who are lukewarm about being in a relationship are the least likely to find one.

The reason being that people who have strong negative feelings towards it have a kind of "passion" about the subject. "Hatred is the flipside of love" and all that.

I think we put people off because we feel "meh" about being with someone in a general way, and specific people we meet somehow sense that.

It shouldn't be that way. I always thought that being so laid-back about the idea would count in my favour, with men, but I honestly think it's been a minus.

Because for some reason people take it personally, when the truth is that it's the opposite. I'm very open to a relationship with the right person, and keep an open mind about meeting them, and do actively think about whether I see someone that way when I first meet them.

But I think my lack of interest in having a relationship per se translates into apathy-vibes, and men generally just see me as not into the whole thing.

There are also a lot of people who actually only want someone who's very into the idea of a committed relationship with them, right from the start, despite saying they want someone laid-back. Because they want to feel like they hold the power, I suppose.