Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think my dd (19) is the ow.

(22 Posts)
Tickletots123 Thu 31-Mar-16 06:51:54

Should I/can I, say anything? Is there any point? She's her own person now and must learn from her own mistakes. She'll only go into denial. Do I just leave it & see how it plays out?

OvariesForgotHerPassword Thu 31-Mar-16 06:55:18

I'm assuming you mean an OW to someone else? (If not that changes my advice significantly!).

Honestly I'd sit and talk to her about it. I'm a couple of years older than your DD and it's quite a selfish age where you just don't tend to see something until it's pointed out to you.

Don't go at it from an accusation point of view, just chat, gather facts and give her advice. You're saving her a lot of hassle and potential heartbreak in the future. I know I'd want my mum to take me to one side and get me to cop on to myself a little bit.

dontcallmecis Thu 31-Mar-16 06:57:01

I think I'd say something. You can do that while still acknowledging that she is her own person and has to lie in the bed she makes, so to speak.

whattheseithakasmean Thu 31-Mar-16 06:59:37

I would have to talk to my teenage DD about this, no matter how difficult. I have done the talk about contraception, also not putting up with jealousy & controlling behaviour etc. My DD finds these talks excruciatingly embarrassing, but I see it as my job as a mum to put it out there, I make it clear it is all done from a place of love and I adore her and she is the most important person in the world to me so I have to say this. I would approach it this way - it is her life, but you would be remiss as a mum if you didn't raise this, to alert her to protect herself emotionally and to remind her that you are always always there for her.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Thu 31-Mar-16 07:03:08

OP, do you mean your own DD is having an affair with your DP? That is how your post reads.

Tickletots123 Thu 31-Mar-16 07:14:39

Ooh no! Jimmy I meant the ow to another couple!

Herewegoagainfolks Thu 31-Mar-16 07:17:23

don't worry OP I have no idea where Jimmy got that idea - your OP is clear.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 31-Mar-16 07:20:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelonggame Thu 31-Mar-16 07:26:17

I have an 18 year old DD, and if it were her I would talk to her and give my view point - I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut! Is there any way you coul dget her to read some of the threads on here posted by heartbroken wives?
As pp have said - at that age they do think the world revolves around them and she'll probably be oblivious to how her actions could be destroying someone elses life.
That said, she is her own person, and has to make her own mistakes. Above all, as mums we need to be there to love them and pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong.

MrsH1989 Thu 31-Mar-16 07:26:56

I was the OW when I was 17, he was 23. I was so naive and didn't realise how much trouble it would cause. He was in a long term relationship when I started seeing him but they had a baby whilst I was with him. God he fed me some lines! Told me they had split etc etc. They hadn't and it was a real mess. My parents found out and were disappointed, I knew his family as was BF with his sister, they all hate me now. I was heartbroken and 9 years later it is still the only thing in my life I really regret. I would approach her in a "I had a friend who was in this situation and I don't want to see you hurt like her" kind of way.

Letustryagain Thu 31-Mar-16 08:02:40

I was also the OW when I was 19, he was 29, married with two boys. I had no idea what his DW would go through or feel, I just didn't understand because the only long-term relationship that I had, I finished because I just wasn't feeling 'it' (whatever 'it' is supposed to be...).

He left her after about a week and moved back in with his parents. We saw each other twice in that time and then he moved back home. We worked together but I made sure that once he had made his decision I kept completely away from him.

About two years later he contacted me again, I was working for a new company in a different city and he'd found how who I worked for and called me. He said that he was still with his DW but was really miserable. I told him that if he was looking to get out, if he had any balls at all he would leave his DW first and then find someone else and that the someone else was definitely not going to be me! We have a mutual friend (she is one of my best friends and Godmother to DD but she worked in his team so knew him well) and about a year ago she said that he'd contacted her on Facebook to say hi, that he was still with his wife and they seemed really happy.

BUT I had no idea how his DW must have felt when I was 19, I only started to understand when I got married to DH. Neither of us have had an affair so I still can't understand to an extent but I understand what love is now and I'm scared of the potential to lose that. The experience is a million times worse I imagine.

So in that long post my message is, I wish my parents had said something to me. Neither of them did. They even spoke pleasantly to him when he came to pick me up one day. They knew the situation and they said nothing, even though 5 years before my Dad had an affair.

I swear that I would use my own experience to make sure my DD is fully aware of what can happen and that it is morally wrong on so many levels.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Thu 31-Mar-16 08:06:14

Agree with the others. Tell her it's wrong . If you do any less it's kind of condoning the behaviour

TheNaze73 Thu 31-Mar-16 08:18:51

I would have to say something. I know we can't wrap them in cotton wool & will/have to have how hearts broken at some stage but, this won't end well.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 10:04:23

If you can let your dd know you're aware she's seeing a man who's commited elsewhere without issuing any warning or making any judgement, she may turn to you when her liaison with him goes tits up.

As you say, your dd is her own person and very few of us are willing to learn from the mistakes of others, but if you don't raise the subject with her your knowledge may restrict or otherwise hinder your various conversations with her about other matters.

Rainbowlou1 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:00:42

I would have to say something, and tell her to read the many threads on here about how devastating this can be for all involved.

MrsJayy Sat 02-Apr-16 11:06:40

I would ask my DDS outright if I suspected the boyfriend was married or with somebody else then take it from there ask her

ivykaty44 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:13:45

I think if you tackle this from a different angle

Ask your DD gently, how would she feel if your dp - her father was seeing another woman behind your back? Would she feel betrayed? Would she think it would be better if he had fallen out of love with you, really and truely that he left before starting another relationship?

Ask questions and listen

Greta28 Sun 03-Apr-16 03:36:45

I was an OW when I was 16 (he was 24). how horrid this sounds. And it was

No way would I think about hus wife, I really thought the world revolved around me. And my father left us for OW (no contact with us at all) devastating my mother. Showing me the threads would NOT change anything. You just carefree and want thing there, and now.

If you have a close relationship with her, she might listen to you. I hope.

It's quite sad. Try and talk to her

Heartbroken4 Sun 03-Apr-16 03:47:45

This isn't meant to derail the thread, but it is reassuring, in a twisted way, for those of you who were the OW when so young to hear your acknowledgement of your self-absorption, as "my" OW is also very young and indicates the same thing in her messages to me.

PPie10 Sun 03-Apr-16 05:26:33

Yes you do need to address this and ask her directly not tip toe around it. The effect is damaging and she needs to know what she's apart of.

BumpPower Sun 03-Apr-16 07:14:07

I have to say I disagree with the tone of a lot of the advice here. I agree that you need to talk with you DD but not because she is an Ow or because of the pain she may cause his DW just because she is in a relationship where you fear she might get hurt. If you took his marital situation out of the equation the question is: DD is in a relationship with a man I suspect is a dick who might hurt her! Should I say something? The advice then - far from other women bashing "she should think about the pain she is causing" I think would be. Talk to her but don't judge, don't back her into a corner where she has to defend her man, do your best to ensure she feels she can come and talk to you but ultimately you are right, her life, her mistakes etc.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Sun 03-Apr-16 07:16:34

I was also an OW for a much older man at 19. I'm completely mortified by it now. At 19 I had zero concept of how devastated his wife would be- my knowledge of relationships was very superficial and I didn't have any positive role models of marriage, so I remember thinking she would be angry, but not ever going beyond that in my thinking. I largely thought of it as a bit of a game, and only thought from my perspective.

It was only when I met my DH and had my first emotionally mature relationship that it dawned on me just what I'd done. I'm horribly ashamed of myself now.

I ended it because of circumstantial reasons really- I had some new exciting opportunities to travel, was seeing him much less and I met a new group of friends my own age who knew nothing about him. When I imagined introducing him to them I started to realise how ridiculous the whole thing was, and that I would be better to focus on unencumbered men my own age. Soon after that I had a fling with a guy my own age and MM was out of my mind. I would encourage your daughter to embrace opportunities, meet new people and try to engineer some activities that reduce contact with him and give her new friendship groups.

As a parent it is a difficult line to tread. I think you do need to let her know you are worried that this relationship will work out badly for her and limit her opportunities. I wouldn't moralise because if she hasn't figured it out herself she probably isn't emotionally mature enough yet.

My own parents were completely charmed by the creep and encouraged me to continue the affair! It has really damaged our relationship now, definitely don't do that!

There is a good movie An Education about a teenage girl who limits her opportunities due to a flattering older man, when I watched it as an adult it had lots of parallels, I wonder if you could somehow get her to watch it without being too obvious!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now