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Is this gaslighting?

(34 Posts)
ElephantSuperhero Wed 30-Mar-16 22:06:44

DH has always, but even more so now, done something occasionally that's quite out of order and unfair, and when I've tackled him on it he's turned it round onto me and how awful I am and says how he can do as he likes and then sulks with me and says I'm childish.

For example tonight he came home from work tonight in a foul mood, and was being all cocky and childish with smart arse comments that I knew he was going to be like it tonight. I put 6 year old DS to bed at about 8 and then DH went into our room and put on loud music and started singing really loudly. I went into our room and said could he be a bit quieter as DS was in bed now and he went mad at me, saying how dare I speak to him like that, and to get out of the room and that he can do as he pleases and he's not putting up with that shit from me.

He has stayed in the bedroom since and I just went up to try to talk to him calmly and again he was saying I'm awful and that I spoke to him like shit (I didn't!) and have I heard myself as I sound like a 7 year old. All I was doing was saying it's unfair of him to sulk and that I was just asking him to keep the noise down. DH is also the first to moan about any noise if it doesn't suit him...

It makes me so angry as whenever I try to talk about anything he just says things like 'Listen to yourself, you're pathetic' and 'You sound like a child' and has even threatened to record me on his phone and put it on FB and tag me so everyone can hear how pathetic I am.

I feel like I can never tackle him on anything as he goes mad and takes it out of proportion, also he will be sulking now for the next few days so that won't be pleasant.

I had abusive parents so it's difficult to make a judgement call on whether he's being horrible or if I really am awful sad

maggiethemagpie Wed 30-Mar-16 22:09:28

No, he's being horrible. It's not you, it's him.

ShoppingBasket Wed 30-Mar-16 22:12:41

Quite plainly, it is him.

Marchate Wed 30-Mar-16 22:14:20

He's being horrible

MairzyDoats Wed 30-Mar-16 22:14:47

He's a knob. Basically.

karigan Wed 30-Mar-16 22:15:39

He sounds horrible. I'm not sure on the gaslighting (not massively familiar with EH terms/terms) but he sounds like an absolutely arse to live with.

If it helps whenever my DH has his phone/tv/talks/walks loudly/closes doors too loudly I frantically shush at him (we have an 18 month old DD who is an incredibly light sleeper) He finds it mildly irritating but also funny and refers to me as the 'sleep police' His response is mild ribbing- I would be completely taken aback and v. V. pissed off if he shouted at me or laid into me verbally in the way you'very described.

I'm sorry you've had to experience that. sad

ElephantSuperhero Wed 30-Mar-16 22:16:39

I am sitting here crying as he's also said things tonight like he is staying upstairs as he can't bear to sit anywhere near me as I'm so awful. He also always mimicks me when he's in these bad moods. I hate it. If I tell the kids off he then mimics me.

Has anyone got any tips on how to disengage for a bit while I get my head straight? My father was always such a bully I hate atmospheres and disapproval. I wish I could just think 'fuck you' about DH and ignore him back and take control. How do I do this?

senua Wed 30-Mar-16 22:16:57

it's difficult to make a judgement call on whether he's being horrible or if I really am awful

That's not the question.
The question is: does this relationship make me happy?

Dragongirl10 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:17:39

Oh elephant.....please do not doubt yourself, he is vile nothing to do with you.

This is not normal happy relationship behavior....does he not care about waking his son either?

Is he always such a pain in the rear?

karigan Wed 30-Mar-16 22:18:04

*EA

DraenorQueen Wed 30-Mar-16 22:18:26

He is a fucking disgusting human being. Shutting down your comments by making you seem either crazy or an irrational brat.

MadamDeathstare Wed 30-Mar-16 22:18:43

He's being a horrible jerk.

I'm sorry.

DoreenLethal Wed 30-Mar-16 22:18:49

So basically he is bruising for a fight so prods you and when you bite, he gets nasty and accuses you of being a pathetic child? Well, i think i would tell him to fuck off if he doesnt like it personally. Esp as he is also affecting your child as well.

imeatingthechocolate Wed 30-Mar-16 22:20:13

contact women's aid try and go to refuge get yourself time and space to think

britmodgirl Wed 30-Mar-16 22:20:17

He's a prick

donajimena Wed 30-Mar-16 22:20:55

He's vile.
Gaslighting in my experience is where you try and make someone think they are going mad (eg hiding keys only for them to reappear on the hook)
But anyway it doesn't matter he's a bully. What do you think you want to do?

MadamDeathstare Wed 30-Mar-16 22:26:51

Most of my 'advice' is crap but you sound really down so I'll give it a go.

How about:
Him: You sound like a 7 year old ner ner de ner.
You: That doesn't make me wrong.

Him: I'm staying up here alllllll night.
You: Sounds like a plan. (and go downstairs and watch whatever you want on the TV and eat all the snacks/drinks in the house and if he shows his nose tell him 'Oh no, you said you were staying upstairs no snacks/drinks for you).

Him: (Massive verbal explosion).
You: Well if you and the little cow you just had are both OK I'm going downstairs to eat chocolate.

In other words treat him like the emotional toddler he is.

I read a book on dealing with difficult co-workers and for the bullies it stated that you have to keep calm, don't even bothering reasoning with them, watch them throw their tantrum and then say something like 'Well if you're quite done I've got stuff to be getting on with' and leave.

whatdoIget Wed 30-Mar-16 22:27:09

Tell TB to L

amarmai Wed 30-Mar-16 22:34:09

He's up to something. Is he trying to get you to LTB? Check his phone when you get the chance and see what you can find out.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 30-Mar-16 23:30:53

tips: ltb

he is abusive.

Birthgeek Wed 30-Mar-16 23:54:22

He's an emotionally abusive bully and this isn't a healthy relationship flowers

Phoenix69 Thu 31-Mar-16 07:04:01

It's not gaslighting, he is being an abusive cock. Ultimatum time - tell him to shape up or pack his bags.

He mimics you?

Actually on second thoughts, he sounds like such an emotional fail, I would LTB. He can't be fixed.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 31-Mar-16 07:07:16

It's not gas lighting it's just being a nasty dick. You can't change him, so you need to leave him. Not right now, but start thinking about it.

AgathaF Thu 31-Mar-16 07:31:55

Not gaslighting but it is nasty, aggressive behaviour. He's inconsiderate of you and your child. Is your relationship happy in other respects, because quite honestly, I can't see why you would want to live with someone who treats you so appalingly?

DorindaJ Thu 31-Mar-16 07:47:30

He sounds like a child. What AgathaF and others have said. Please do not say he is a great dad hmm

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