Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

You know when you don't want to be right?

(15 Posts)
MollyBloomYes Wed 30-Mar-16 13:06:00

Well I really didn't.

H left in November, four weeks before dc2 was born. We've gotten to a fairly good place in terms of access and money though at the moment I have to see him every weekend when he sees the kids (he doesn't have a car that can take car seats, baby is breastfed etc). I would rather not see him but make the best of it.

Found out today he has a new girlfriend. Someone I'd had my suspicions about when we were still together. Insists he didn't leave for her, that it's only been a couple of weeks blah blah blah. It doesn't really matter the ins and outs of it really as far as I'm concerned, he still left. But it really bloody stings to be that easy to move on from. And although it's not an issue at the moment, I'm not keen on her meeting the kids if she's blithely entered into a relationship with someone who walked out on his heavily pregnant wife and toddler. Doesn't seem like the greatest person to be around my children.

I was doing so well and even though I had strong suspicions it's never nice to have them confirmed. Feel like I've massively gone backwards again and don't really want to see him anymore, but have to so the kids can see him.

Sorry, not sure what I really wanted from this thread, reassurance it gets better maybe?! Advice on how to facilitate him seeing the kids without me having to be there?!

Worst thing is I was actually enjoying being single and working out what I wanted. Now I feel like I should have someone just so he hasn't 'won' and feeling self conscious that she's younger and prettier and doesn't have a wobbly tummy from two pregnancies. Utterly pathetic of me

slicedfinger Wed 30-Mar-16 13:07:35

Not pathetic at all. flowers

Slowdecrease Wed 30-Mar-16 13:31:52

Moving on from an ex when you have children is really difficult - it's impossible not to see what is going on in their life and their every movement or develoment away from your relationship can be confusingly emotive. Its hard. He hasn't won and you haven't lost - it just is what it is. The only thing you can do is do your best to compartmentalise it - something that comes so easy to men and very hard for women but it is possible. The very very best you can hope for is that whatever women enters your children's lives be it this or another - you really have no control over it and acceptance of that is key to your mental wellbeing really - that they are loving to your children, this is only of benefit to your children - you remain their one and only mum. Believe me , its better than the alternative.

MollyBloomYes Wed 30-Mar-16 13:38:13

Thank you sliced smile
And thank you slow I know this really, I do. Just trying hard to do that compartmentalising but it's tough not to knee jerk. Didn't cry or rant in front of him which is good at least! Just thanked him for being honest at last

clashofclanswidow Wed 30-Mar-16 14:10:24

Hi MollyBloomYes - going through this at the moment although I'm not due until end of May. My exP left me after our 20 weeks scan and was with someone else less than 3 weeks after! =/

I won't go into the whole background of it all now but I know a bit about how you are feeling.

As slow said, it's crap, it really is but the best thing you can do it distance yourself (where possible) from the situation.

It is easier said than done when kids are involved but I know I was driving myself mad with overthinking EVERYTHING! How could he leave my family for hers? What's she playing at getting with him when she knows I'm pregnant? Why has he chosen to raise someone elses kids and not his own? Why didn't he just tell me he didn't love me instead of leaving me pregnant? Etc etc.

I fully tortured myself until one day, I just sort of clicked that, like you say - he left.

That was his choice. Anything that happened afterwards with his new girlfriend was irrelevant as he had made that choice to walk away from his kids and you cannot control other people. Wasting time and energy thinking about him and what he was doing, wasn't helping me move on.

That is a decision he will have to live with now and take it to his grave and rather him than me - I kind of get comfort from that. That's not meant nastily, I just don't see how anyone could chose to be apart from children, let alone newborns but he obvs wasn't happy with us anymore. If he does regret it in future, it's his loss.

You're not pathetic at all, please don't think that. I somethings think about the GF and wonder what he sees in her that made him leave me pregnant but then again, when I find myself wandering down that thought path, I instantly change my train of thought so I don't dwell as it ruins my whole mood.

I think you've done so well to be where you are and try not to feel like you're going backwards - it isn't an easy situation to go through but I wanted to reach out to you and say it must get easier because I honestly thought I was dying at first, yet here I am haha.

Advice on how to deal with the ex, I'm not sure about because I haven't got that point yet unfortunately with baby not yet due - sadly he doesn't ask after her so I don't even know if he will be involved when she's born anymore.

They do take my toddler though (in a taxi - not sure how you would feel about that sort of thing) and they are already living together. I don't like this one bit but I don't argue it for the sake of her having that time with her Dad and as long as she is safe, which so far I have not been given reason to doubt then I bite my tongue and get on with my life.

I'm not sure there is much you could do about the ex at the moment because your breastfeeding and good for you but I appreciate it must be very awkward having him around and it's not something I am looking forward to.

Sorry this is long, inbox me if you would like to talk =) Big hugs flowers

MollyBloomYes Wed 30-Mar-16 15:11:29

Clash thank you, really boosted me smileI'm already researching breast pumps to see if expressing might be an option! He lives in a nasty little bedsit so no way can he take them there. It'll be fine, thanks all for hand holding

hurtandconfued2016 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:44:11

Just went through the same thing op! Left at 32 weeks 3 days later in a relationship with someone he had been "friends" with.
We have a relationship though where he can't sit in the same room as me (no idea why)
I had been trying to get him to see his kids but I would have to be there as baby is only 4 weeks old.
I done this twice and realised how much it was hurting me seeing him texting her and that whilst me and the kids where there.
So the other day I told him he can see his kids at the shopping centre where I can leave them for an hour or so and then I would take baby home and he could take our 2 year old.
He hasn't replied to this but for me it's the best I need to distance myself from him.
As for the kids meeting the gf my children will not be meeting the ow at all not until I have met her and they are living together. This I have had set by lawyers!
If you need a chat inbox me xx

MollyBloomYes Thu 31-Mar-16 18:50:33

Thank you so much. Full of rage this evening, feel like I could cry big angry tears. I bloody KNEW there was something going on and he made me feel like I was losing my mind. Ah well, just keep ploughing on. Thanks for words of advice all thanks

clashofclanswidow Thu 31-Mar-16 21:37:08

Cunning little gits aren't they?

It's important to allow yourself to feel though smile Don't feel upset by being upset if that makes sense, just accept that you're allowed to have these emotions and hope it will get easier! =)

Could join you in the angry tears tonight - ExP has messaged me, after not asking about baby for about 6/7 weeks suddenly wanting to talk baby names hmm Ask about how her midwife appointments have been first, then we'll talk! Grr.

It's crap he made you feel like that but it's like textbook male! When we were in the early stages of breaking up I was convinced there was someone else and he actually made me feel paranoid and told me I didn't trust him...! If this has taught me anything, it will be to always listen to my instincts now on!!

Do you think there was maybe a part of you that wondered if you would end up re-uniting and that's why it's given you a bit of a knock back? Or just that he wasn't honest so to speak?

WavingNotDrowning Thu 31-Mar-16 21:51:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyBloomYes Fri 01-Apr-16 16:22:19

No I definitely don't want him back, he failed to turn up when our baby was rushed to hospital the other week which was the final nail in the coffin for me. No the tears are rage at being lied to, that he has so little regard for my intelligence and for how crap he's turned out to be! And guilt that I didn't choose a better father for my children although to be fair to myself he had everyone fooled, nobody can quite believe what he's turned into!

clashofclanswidow Fri 01-Apr-16 16:41:31

Oh as if, that's horrible of him!

Snap. I can't quite believe how many women end up in this situation to be honest!

Slowdecrease Sat 02-Apr-16 16:53:29

Look anyone can plant a seed, tending the garden and watching it bloom is what's important, your children blooming is the payoff you and you alone get to take ownership for, for being an ace present parent, remember that.

MollyBloomYes Sat 02-Apr-16 20:24:45

Thank you. I was looking at them today and realised how much I already view them as totally mine (in a bonded way rather than possessive if that makes sense) It's weird now to think they have another parent we're such an awesome little team. Cheesy I know!

butteredmuffin Sat 02-Apr-16 20:31:36

It's always going to be more difficult for you to move on and find a new relationship because you're the mum and they live with you, and right now you're breastfeeding a tiny baby and probably completely exhausted. I think you know that trying to meet someone else right now is not the answer.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine, although she only had the one child and he was about a year old at the time. It was really hard for her but she has coped so well. In the early days she leaned heavily on her family and friends for support. Hopefully you can do the same. She was single for a few years but eventually she met a lovely man who is an amazing stepfather to her son and they now have a daughter together as well.

I think she makes an effort for her son to see his father, but her ex doesn't try as hard as he might. Ultimately you have no control over who your ex is seeing, whether he might have cheated on you, what his new girlfriend is like or how seriously he takes his duties as a father. All you can do is hold your head up high, respect yourself and be the best that you can be.

It's a really hard situation to be in, but many other people have been there before and come out of it stronger and happier in the end. I'm sure you will too. Hang in there.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now