Feel weird about seeing ex hubby - any tips ?

[Tillysmummy]

Just thought I'd post this to see what you all think. My brother has an engagement bash on Saturday in London. He has invited my ex hubby because he still sees him sometimes - my brother lives in Paris and when my ex has been in Paris he has stayed with my bro.

A little history. My ex and i were together for 7 years and married for 1.5. He is a Kiwi and loves to travel. After a year things started to go wrong, he hated his job, felt frustrated, my career was going really well and we just sort of grew apart. He went back to NZ and we separated. I fell in love with my now DH who was my best male friend and also a friend of my ex years back.
We split in 98 and I have only seen him once since. He is always travelling around and hasn't been in the uk until recently. We sometimes have email contact.

I am a bit uncomfy because he may be at my brothers do on Saturday. DH was surprised and a little upset that I felt uncomfortable as he though that meant I still had feelings for him. I don't of course but just think it would be awkward. He's never seen DH and I together and although it's all water under the bridge I feel at bid edgy about it.

Does anyone think this is unusual and I shouldn't feel like that ?

Any tips on how to handle the situation ?

[sml]

I think it's totally normal to feel a bit edgy. We don't live in soap operas after all. If it was me, the most important thing would be to convince my dh that I no longer felt anything for the ex. So, don't wear anything too attractive/sexy, have brief, friendly conversation with ex in front of dh and avoid him for the rest of the evening, and say on the way home, "God, meeting X again has really made me feel lucky that I'm with you now!!"

[Tillysmummy]

Good advice SML !! I have assured him again and again but will keep doing so.

[Purp]

Funnily enough, my brother is still friends with my ex, though we weren't married. I think it can easily make for awkward situations and it would help if the brothers understood this! Is your DH not at all worried about the meeting up? Only you? At least that's better than your DH going on about him! I agree with Sml, be cool and friendly and very loving to DH. Just because you don't still have feelings for the ex doesn't mean that it is easy to be relaxed in such a situation. I wish you well. Perhaps you could get some of that green face powder which is meant to stop it showing if you go red.

[Tillysmummy]

Purp

I have just found out that he is definitely going. It was just a possibility before. I now feel VERY awkard. I am just so uncomfortable with the whole thing. Silly sod my brother is ! - I can't believe he didn't think of that before inviting him !

I will have to have a couple before I go for Dutch courage I think !

[Kia]

DONT have the dutch courage!! You'll overdo it and all hell will break loose - take it from someone who's seen it happen!! For a moment I thought I was in deja vu, since I worked with a couple years ago who were much as you described!!

Play it very very cool and don't make any kind of fuss or go out of your way to acknowledge him. Your new man will be watching your performance like a hawk - even if he says he wont. It will be very difficult for you, but keeping thinking of your new man, dont drink and leave as soon as you can without causing offence. Why not book a meal for just the two of you?

And give your brother a good kick up the arse next time you see him for being soooo insensitive!! Ask him how he'd feel if you'd turned up with his last ex??

[Jasper]

Tillysmummy I have a slightly different view from those expressed. I don' t think it is at all odd for you to feel edgy about this.
Also it would not be at all odd for you to still have feelings for your ex - not saying you do, but you were married to him once, just because it did not work out does not mean you have no feelings at all for him, so don't be surprised if seeing him again revives some of your old feelings.
This does not mean there is the slightest threat to your current marriage.
I have really strong feelings for my exhusband but that is no threat to my dp.
And I fail to see how you can do anything other than go right up to him, greet him and ask him how he is getting on.
Final thought - he may be with a new woman and this may affect you in ways you might not expect.
If all this is causing you serious concern DON'T GO ! But if you do, please tell us how it went.

[SofiaAmes]

Tillysmummy, I think i have to agree with jasper. I don't think you can help but have an emotion about your ex. I was with my ex for 10 years and then he left me for another woman 6 years ago. I am remarried with a son and a daughter on the way. However, I still talk to my ex a few times a year as I think it's important not to pretend that those 10 years of my life didn't exist. (Also, every time I talk to him it reminds me how happy I am that he left me and how much happier I am with my new husband). We ran into my husband unexpectedly at a party at xmas (surprising as he lives in la and we live in london) and I immediately brought my new husband over to meet him. My new husband spent the next 1/2 hour telling my ex how wonderful I was and wondering how he ever managed to survive without me...hee hee.
I also agree with jasper, you should go up to him, talk to him and normalize things. Bring your husband along for the chat. It will probably clear the air.

[Tillysmummy]

Thanks ladies. All good advice. And yes, I do still care about him and when we chat on email it's all very amicable.

My dh and ex used to be friends so I think dh is going to just act normally as will I.

It may all be absolutely fine. My mum and dad divorced when I was 11 and still love each other as friends and both have remarried. My dad gets on very well with my stepdad and of course my mum.

I am not going to let it ruin my evening - I have been looking forward to Saturday for ages - especially seeing as I haven't been out for ages (we all know what that's like I'm sure !! ) so I am determined not to let it spoil the evening.

[Azzie]

I agree with Jasper and SofiaAmes - you must have had lots of good times with your ex, and it would be unrealistic to expect you to pretend that you hadn't. I'm still in touch with my ex - we met through a common interest shared by a relatively small group of people, and inevitably were going to carry on bumping into one another, to say nothing of the number of shared friends we had (and still have). I still like him, still have affection for him, and constantly thank my lucky stars that I ended up with dh rather than my ex! I'm lucky though, dh has always been really cool about all this, and has never felt threatened - he knows that I'm too smart to make the same mistake twice!

[Tillysmummy]

Thanks Azzie. And yes I don't think DH feels threatened so I am not going to make a big deal about it. Would be nice if we could all be on ok terms.

[Tillysmummy]

Just thought I'd give you all an update. Well,managed to get through the evening with no major hiccups. Ex hubby didn't turn up till about 10.30 and dh and I were having a great time by then and due to leave at 11.30. When he turned up it was fine, a bit weird to see him, he looks so different, not at all as I remember him, and DH and he chatted with no problems just like they used to. DH said that he avoided the topic of me although felt like saying something a few times thought it was best to leave it alone, I agreed.

We had a lovely evening and it wasn't spoilt by ex at all. Just felt rather sorry for him really. He seemed quite lonely.

Very glad to be with DH, realised how lucky I was.

Felt dreadful on Sunday due to overindulgence and promised myself I'd never do it again all day Sunday ! DD was fantastic Sunday morning and must have known we felt rought. 2 hour nap first thing, lovely

[Ems]

Glad it went well Tillysmummy, phew!!

Thought of you at w/e; there is a new deodorant ad on tv, have you seen it? Girl in the park and bumps into her ex, very funny with a silly song.