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Can you tell me about breaking up? what you actually say to someone?

(13 Posts)
cheesilbeach Tue 29-Mar-16 21:46:39

So I've been with DP for a couple of years and its just not going anywhere. I have decided to end the relationship.

Now, I just can't get up the guts to do it. He's a good man and has no idea this is coming. He was happily chatting away today about an event we are supposed to be going to today and I just looked at him and nearly burst into tears. Ever since I decided I have been feeling really anxious and haven't been eating much so he has been super lovely and concerned.

I don't even know where to start with the conversation. Has anyone experienced a situation like this before? What did you say? how did he/she take it? I feel sick just thinking about it but can't stay in a relationship that isn't making me happy - that wouldn't be fair on either of us.

ElanoraHeights Tue 29-Mar-16 22:06:47

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. It is hard I know but best for both of you in the long run if you don't let it drag on.

When I broke up with my long term partner, I said I wasn't happy and used an excuse of not wanting children (he was very keen to have them). He took it well as he had sensed it coming and, thankfully, didn't try to persuade me to stay (we had already broken up once before). We are still friendly now. With a shorter relationship I had after, I just said it wasn't working (i.e. it wasn't working for me) and, again, the guy was very nice about it. I had tried to break it off once and failed so this was the second time and, again, I don't think he was surprised. I was upset before and after but also felt relieved.

I think the best thing is to be honest and firm without being hurtful. Just say you aren't happy, there's no fixing it, and it's best you both move on. Your partner could try to persuade you to keep trying and this is where you need to be firm - which is cruel to be kind in the long run.

If he's a nice man, he'll understand when he sees how unhappy you are and will hopefully also see that you don't want to hurt him by ending it either. I think often partners do subconsciously know it's coming so I suspect it won't be a complete shock to him.

Good luck. It's not easy, I know.

Teaandcakeat8 Tue 29-Mar-16 22:22:22

I bet he's noticed anyway if you're off your food and anxious. I've been you before and it's horrible. And if you feel the relationship isn't going anywhere, subconsciously I think he will feel the same, as I believe it's very rare for one person to be madly in love and the other not. I'm sure he will have noticed that you're not giving back what he is putting in.

Just be honest and firm with him. If he makes you feel guilty or try and stay then don't, it sounds as though your mind is made up. Tell him it's not working for you; you don't have to give him reasons if you think they'll hurt him.

Then give him some space and don't jump straight into being friends. As the 'dumper' you'll probably feel that you can stay friends and might want to do this straight away as you've had time to mentally check out of the relationship. He will probably be hoping for more still. It's so much kinder to cut contact for a while.

TheNaze73 Wed 30-Mar-16 07:32:12

There's no point dicking about, if you're 100% certain with your decision. You say he's a good man, just tell him ASAP. He may not have picked up that you're unhappy, so it may come as a shock to him but, ultimately is the right thing for both of you. Not the easiest thing to do, so good luck

MrsJuice Wed 30-Mar-16 23:19:32

Be respectful, kind and tell him to his face.
Let him process it, and be prepared for a few drunken protestations of love!
He will remember that you were decent, and honest in splitting.

My husband dropped our 4 yr old at my Mum's, and moved out. Refused to talk. The reasons for leaving were entirely resolvable, but he was a coward.
You never forget such cruelty.

Awholelottanosy Wed 30-Mar-16 23:23:41

What are your reasons for wanting to break up with him? When I've ended things before I've said things like it's just not working for me, I'm not happy etc but if he asks you why it may be helpful to have thought about what your reasons are. It's never a nice thing to do but in a way it's also a good thing as you're giving him the chance to be happy with someone he's more compatible with!

BlueFolly Wed 30-Mar-16 23:27:32

"I think we need to separate."

hellsbellsmelons Thu 31-Mar-16 09:34:08

I had to have the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' conversation.
I was due to get married and knew it's not what I wanted.
He had become more like a good friend and not someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I told him I was doing all this to keep other people happy and it was time to think of myself before I got married and made the situation a whole lot worse.
He took it very badly indeed.
But it needed to be done.
It took me months to pluck up the courage though. Church booked, reception booked, etc.... When he proposed I knew it's not what I wanted.
Don't be like that. You want to end it. Put yourself out of the misery.

FredaMayor Thu 31-Mar-16 10:01:45

DP will know something is up and however upset he gets it may be your feelings may not come as a surprise. What does matter is how you do it, and I suggest it should be with kindness and respect for your past together. Good luck, you will be alright, I think.

cheesilbeach Tue 05-Apr-16 14:35:46

Update: I did it. I told him I hadn't been happy for a while and we wanted different things for the future. He was upset but said that if I wasn't happy then he agreed the best thing to do was to break up. I couldn't stop crying when I told him and now, a few days later am still very emotional, especially when I think about how he must be feeling.

Any tips on how to get through this period of sadness/feeling alone would be great. Thank you all for your help so far- it really gave me the courage to go ahead and say how I felt.

FredaMayor Tue 05-Apr-16 15:38:58

Allow yourself to feel sad, you have brought about changes in your lives that has sent them on different courses and will go to the heart of your feelings. Feelings of grief at this stage is a positive because it means you are mentally and emotionally processing this transition.

You seem to be feeling that it was for the best, and I believe that knowledge will help you through these days. Time and keeping occupied will help you to get used to your new situation IME.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Apr-16 16:37:34

Feel the sadness and cry when you want to.
Even if it's you that wanted to end it and actually ended it, it is still like the end of an era - if you know what I mean.
The start of something new that is unknown is also scary. But embrace that bit, it's great.

I got through it by going to gym, a lot! Working hard and a hobby.
My family were of no support to begin with so I kept out of their way.
Immersed myself with the local am-dram group and got on with things.
Family came around in the end and realised they were being horrible and that I actually needed help and support as well.
It was all fine in the end.

It takes a while, but you will get there. Get your friends around. Get out and about.
Is there anything you always wanted to do but just didn't?
Learn a language, write a book, skydive?
That's all I can suggest really.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Apr-16 16:38:24

Oh... and well done for taking control of your life and your future happiness and not settling!

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