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How much time with your partner is acceptable to expect?

(20 Posts)
Losingmyboy Tue 29-Mar-16 17:15:35

My relationship is about to come to an end if I cannot fix this. Please read and offer your opinion.

I was widowed with two kids and was pregnant when my ex husband from 10 years ago came back on the scene, we have been great friends since we split - but a difficult few years and my partners death brought us closer again and we just fell back in love.

Both of us gave up hesitating and trying to avoid getting close and after a year of dating, decided to give it a proper go and we moved in together the beginning of this year. My kids LOVE him and has been with the youngest since born, so he knows no different. They all call him Daddy.

He is an amazing step father and partner. He has taken on so much, he is an absolute natural and the kids all love him.

Recently though he has complained that there is no 'US' anymore. It is all about the kids. We both work full-time and both share childcare, so it is true we don't get much time together - but we can't avoid it. I have suggested a childminder so we can have more time together, but we can't really afford it.

He has also suddenly changed his mind about marriage and having another child together, both of which he doesn't want and both of which I did want.

We have tried to talk, but when we do he just says 'Yeah I can see it isn't working'

I am not sure how I fix this, I physically and financially can't give more time. I actually adore the time we spend as a family, so I am satisfied with that when we don't get alone time and we do have a great sex life...

Thoughts? What is reasonable in this situation?

Offred Tue 29-Mar-16 17:20:02

I don't think it is reasonable for him to say 'I am unhappy that we don't spend enough time together you sort it out'.

What are his solutions to his problem?

Until recently the only time me and DH had alone together was when the DC were in bed, and for a long period that was only 3 days a week as I worked evenings. I don't think this is unusual, it's part and parcel of raising small children. It's nice if you can arrange 'date nights' but it's not always logistically or financially possible. We actually stayed in a hotel for a night after a 50th birthday party last week - that's the first time since I had DC and my eldest is 18...

Maybe the reality of step-parenting is hitting him. The problem is that 'us' isn't just you and him, it's also the DC and that's sometimes hard to deal with when they're yours and your choice.

What's his solution to getting more couple time, or is he just complaining and not coming up with ideas?

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:29:17

If you're both not getting what you want from the relationship you should split. A small consolation but, at least he's wobbled before another child came on the scene. He can't just lay the time blame on you, that isn't fair.

FellOutOfBedTwice Tue 29-Mar-16 17:30:14

Why did you divorce in the first place op? Was he generally selfish because this sounds like quite a selfish viewpoint.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:38:22

I think the the reality and responsibility of having children is beginning to hit home for him. The time, the cost etc

However for you there simply is no way around that responsibility - he knows that but I suppose he doesn't want to say it out loud.

He's probably thinking how much harder it would be with a fourth child too.

What could be done - a baby sitter on a regular basis, does he get free time? Can you book a night away for you both?

He needs to decide whether he is in this for the long haul - I think his commitment to you all is waivering

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Mar-16 17:39:58

When you say "we moved in together", did he move into your home, did you move into his, or did you jointly take on a mortgage/rental agreement on another property?

AtSea1979 Tue 29-Mar-16 17:43:17

Why are you not spending evenings alone together? Is one of you working then?

Losingmyboy Wed 30-Mar-16 02:00:57

Thanks everyone for the replies

Yes he is complaining and coming up with no ideas.

In fact the only ideas he has had involve him spending nights away at his friends (Who lives two hours away), which would result in me taking time off work (I work evenings and weekends - new area far from family/friends) and although I don't mind at all, I would love for us to have a social life together first of all!

We separated after 8 miscarriages and the stress took it's toll. But we remained close friends.

We moved into a new home together.

Yes I work most evenings and weekends, though we do have time together at home, watching movies, take away etc if I'm not working, he has me to himself.

I can sway on another child, but if marriage is off the cards I am not sure I am happy to risk the children continuing to get involved. I know marriage isn't a guarantee - we are testament to that, but to suddenly change his mind has me concerned.

I think he is having second thoughts about family life. It is tough, it isn't easy. I had conversations before hand telling him if I were him, I wouldn't give up his comfortable single life for the hard work of children and family life. He told me he had no purpose as he was and he would love family life. I guess he thought wrong

Losingmyboy Wed 30-Mar-16 02:05:24

He is also always saying he got into a relationship with me, not me and the children. I explain that they are part of me, we are a complete package. I think he wants the old 'us' which I can't give anymore.

Just to add, we actually have every Friday afternoon (3ish hours) together as all the kids are at school or nursery and we often have lunch or do something together, so it isn't like we never do anything!

Offred Wed 30-Mar-16 02:07:30

Yes that may be what's going on, it's a rational explanation but a bit lame for an actual adult...

I'd be thinking is it the above, is it that he's trying to get out passive aggressively because he isn't interested in me anymore or is it that he has his eye on someone else and is trying to make his current life seem 'bad'.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Wed 30-Mar-16 02:44:10

The reason you separated in the first place wasn't the miscarriages, it was the way you each handled the stress/upset. That doesn't change 🙁

He SAID his life had no purpose & he wanted family life, you discussed that, turning around now and say that he wanted a relationship with you, not you and the kids, is him being a complete wanker. He chose to lve with you and the kids, what did he expect you to do, shove them in a cupboard when he was bored playing with them?

Utter wanking twat.

TanteRose Wed 30-Mar-16 02:57:49

^^ all of what Latte said .

DH and I just had our 20th wedding anniversary - we left the DCs (18 and 16) at home for the weekend and spent a night away for the first time EVER since they were born.(live abroad, no family help at all in 18 years)

Losingmyboy Wed 30-Mar-16 02:57:55

Yes you are right, the stress of it all split us up, along with depression and anxiety associated with it.

I try so hard to see his point of view, but I will admit, I am struggling with this. I'm not sure how else I could have avoided this

JimmyChoosChimichanga Wed 30-Mar-16 03:10:12

He didn't think it through and now he wants out. What a twat!

QuiteLikely5 Wed 30-Mar-16 08:07:41

He said he got into a relationship with you and not your DC? It's a bit late for all that nonsense!

Youngest thinks he is daddy? Brace yourself because I think he is already checking out

DontcarehowIwantitnow Wed 30-Mar-16 08:15:13

It is hard being a step parent, in some ways harder than being a 'parent'. It isn't always as easy as 'he didn't think it through and now wants out'.

As for having more DC. Maybe he is clumsy saying that he is worried about the MC happening again.

It put a huge pressure on your relationship before. Maybe he is scared of history repeating itself.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Wed 30-Mar-16 08:24:19

Well, I can see how if you work evenings and weekends and he works day times then I can see why he would feel he doesn't see you enough. How did you manage those shifts before he moved in? When do you see the kids? It's not a very family/relationship friendly shift pattern.
On the other hand, he should have been clear that he was becoming a step parent and what that involves.
On the marriage question- I wouldn't marry in your circumstances either. You've been married and divorced already.

sonjadog Wed 30-Mar-16 08:28:34

I think you should listen to him. He is telling you that something isn't working for him as things are at the moment. Isn't that what people are meant to do with their partners in a relationship? Take what he is saying seriously and give it consideration. Is there any way you could spend more time together? Does he have any ideas? He needs to come with ideas not just complaints. Otherwise, it does sounds as if he is just starting to check out of the relationship.

Losingmyboy Wed 30-Mar-16 22:58:35

'Don't care' you made a really good point there about the miscarriage, this is why I would be happy to reconsider this as we are so blessed already and the fact he is happy with 'my' three is a lovely thing.

I worked less hours before so we had weekends together and the odd midweek evening. Tax credits boosted my income to cover a lump of the childcare but now we have combined households we have had to reduce childcare due to cost being too high and no help, I work when he isn't, so we can cover most of the childcare and I need to earn more to make up the help I had before.... it is tough, but it was the only way we could move in together.

No, we aren't ready for marriage now, but it certainly is something I want in the future.

I am listening, I am trying to understand and help, I just don't know how. There isn't any way we can spend more time together unfortunately :-( not for now anyway!

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