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People are never as warm towards me as they are to others

(53 Posts)
MilkaMoo Mon 28-Mar-16 23:40:49

And I don't know why. I'm a warm, friendly person. I like people. I try to be kind and decent and would never want to upset anyone.

I just find that people, with the exception of a couple of good friends, are more abrupt and cold with me than they are to others.

For example I am friends with a group of other women who had children at the same time that I had my youngest. They are all warm and friendly towards each other but I feel quite offhand and cold towards me, and they don't seem very interested in anything that I have to say. We have a Facebook group for us all to communicate with each other and to arrange things, and if ever I post on there I get very abrupt replies. I posted recently saying that my son was poorly and that I wouldn't be able to make the meet up that we had planned that week and two or three of them just replied with 'ok' whereas when others have posted similar things they've got long replies of 'Oh bless, hope he/she's ok, poor thing, sending love'.

Then at my current workplace everyone else seems to have really gelled and although I get on well with everyone, I feel on the outside and that they all just see me as someone they work with and everyone else is seen as a friend. I have made an effort with them all, and I chat to them at work, but they all seem quite detached from me. I often hear at work about nights out that they've had at the weekend, which I'm not invited to, and one night last week they all had a 'girls' night at one colleagues house with a takeaway. Every other female from our workplace was there except me. I wasn't even invited.

DH says I should just cut people off who don't treat me nicely, but it makes me upset to think why am I always treated like this?

LovePGtipsMonkey Tue 29-Mar-16 01:01:45

sometimes people are like this towards those who are too keen and trying to please too hard - not saying you are like that, but one of the possibilities?
Or some kind of superficial issue like your style is not what they like/social status lower than theirs (horrid but happens within some groups).

andintothefire Tue 29-Mar-16 02:15:43

Maybe you are trying too hard. If you genuinely like yourself and are kind towards others, I think it is pointless trying to work out how other people think! You will draw the nice people towards you so don't worry.

mortgagefreesoon5 Tue 29-Mar-16 08:07:31

I think your husband is right, and I d add that coworkers /other mums don't necessarily become friends. Think of them as aqquitances, if they eventually become friends it's a bonus. Friends are easier to find through a common interest or hobby.

MilkshakeMonkey Tue 29-Mar-16 10:09:04

I can completely level with what your saying.

I feel like an outsider at school gates. I assume it's because I have not lived in the village forever. I took on being preschool chair (which was a thankless task, events I organised had poor attendance, I got no appreciation from staff) , stepped down at the beginning of the year. The lady who took over (a life long villager) gets tonnes of praise and support.

I also get it at work, but I think it's because I'm part time and everyone else is full time. I'm also older then others at my level.

At times it gets me down. I try and think of quality rather quantity when it comes to friends. I guess we are all different x

Onceiwas20yearsold Tue 29-Mar-16 10:34:49

Are you younger or above average looking ( Sorry hate to ask). When I was younger it was a problem for me, I didn't realise until a family member came to school pick up once and observed and said they were jealous. Now I'm older I really do think she was right looking back on it. All the time I was thinking there must be something wrong with me.

springydaffs Tue 29-Mar-16 22:16:09

Saw this last night and so glad others have replied.

I wanted to say : Don't take it personally!

Hard not to - but DON"T.

There is no excuse for you being so blatantly left out/treated like a 'less than' - appalling behaviour on their part. What you describe are cliques and, sadly, there are plenty of them about. If you're also 'different' to them you'll not be accepted. They are dull is why.

I experience similar and it's probably because I'm more clever/attractive/stylish and they feel threatened. arf. You get the picture wink

Onwards and upwards. Step right away instantly. Although it takes me a while sometimes to realise I'm being treated shoddily - mainly because I can't get my head around how people can behave so badly! - once it sinks in, I'm off. Really, don't waste another moment hanging around this lot. They're revolting.

If people don't get how lovely you are they know what they can do - bog off.

MadamDeathstare Tue 29-Mar-16 22:29:03

I have always felt like the outsider. I did the Meyers Brigg personality test and I came up with the one that only makes up about 3% of the population and feeling like an outsider was one of the effects of having that personality.

I also find that I come on too friendly, too helpful, or too intense with people and it scares them off - I've even killed more than a few threads on here with that attitude.

LovePGtipsMonkey makes a good point. Somebody in the PTA really pissed me off. Normally I am my normal gushy over helpful self and she treats me like shit on her shoe compared to how she treats the other board members. This time she treated me inconsiderately and I started treating her coldly (but politely). It's amazing how much nicer she has been to me since then. I'm going to keep up being cold, because my 'cold' is probably other people's 'normal'.

Jaimx86 Tue 29-Mar-16 22:44:08

INTJ?

springydaffs Tue 29-Mar-16 22:53:14

I agree to try being offhand/rude to people. Amazing how they gush!

MadamDeathstare Wed 30-Mar-16 00:20:17

Jaim INFP. I should be a book editor but I was an engineer which made me an oddity to the lady who ran the test.

GettingIntoTheSpirit Wed 30-Mar-16 01:31:33

milkamoo I could have written your post and others on this thread.

I am also an INFP personality type. Waves to madamdeathstare

I don't have any answers but I know there are some things I have learned such as if you feel this way, definitely don't move to a small village where everyone else has lived for generations sad
Become a friend to yourself. You can enjoy doing most things solo if you learn to like your own company.
Don't try too hard, it will repel people if you do and you are likely to only befriend people with an agenda to take advantage of your nature.
Remember that there are other people out there that feel the same as you. Keep an eye out for them and be kind if you spot one, in my experience that is how true friendship can begin.

springydaffs Wed 30-Mar-16 01:37:41

All of my profiles start with a very decided E. Just for some balance...

Basically, it can happen to anyone. It can come from within - our behaviour may be challenging - or it can come from without - the behaviour you have described. in your op.

Re school gates (and many social situations): people can blindly scrabble to be accepted, trampling over anyone they, in a nano-second, don't recognise will get them to The Top. These people can blow hot and cold depending on our social capital. Or what they perceive to be our social capital.

Yuk, basically.

Starstruck2016 Wed 30-Mar-16 01:49:02

INFJ

junebirthdaygirl Wed 30-Mar-16 11:58:45

I think its to do with your own security. I used to be like that. Feeling on the outside. Thinking over things people said the way they looked at me. I has some therapy to do with another issue and worked through some stuff from childhood. Now l couldn't give a dam and guess what l have loads of friends. They are coming out of the woodwork. And as l have got closer to them they say things like oh l was thought you were great since we met that first time at the school and l realise it was all in my head.

IrianofWay Wed 30-Mar-16 17:00:58

INFJ - I like people I just find them hard work. And I guess it shows because I am not the centre of any group even when I make the effort. I am always being told I am 'lovely' and 'such a nice person' but it doesn't translate to lots of friends wink. I sometimes watch groups of people scrabbling for attention and popularity and I realise just how much I dislike the whole process. There are so many other things I prefer to spend my time doing.

SealSong Wed 30-Mar-16 17:35:10

INFP here also, and also feel like a bit of an outsider with people often. I also feel that people don't take to me as much as they do others sometimes. I have in the past wondered if I am on the autism spectrum but all online questionnaires suggest not (and I don't now think I am).

I've found it's not always easy to make and sustain friendships. I've made my peace with it generally, but it feeling like an outsider has been damaging for my self esteem and confidence at times (although I can seem confident to others). It has been hard at times not to feel that there is something 'wrong' with me socially, although I also recognise that my need for lots of time on my own can make me come across as stand-offish and I actually prefer to have a small group of friends who I tend to see one-on-one or in small groups rather than lots of large scale socialising.

And I can now recognise the perks of it - I enjoy my own company and a rich inner world, and socialise more on my terms these days (I can be very sociable). I have to be conscious in maintaining a balance between time on my own and social time as too much time on my own is not always good for my mood and I can get very insular.

Starstruck2016 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:31:43

For me, INFJ means I keep my distance a little bit. I like people and am told am really nice etc but I don't ' jump in ' to friendship, I can keep my distance sometimes even pull back if it all gets a bit too much. ( too public, too intense, too much expectation etc etc ).. This isn't necessarily conscious.

eddielizzard Wed 30-Mar-16 20:40:17

haha i'm an infj too! funny how many 'inf's of us there are on this thread.

i relate, and i've found that my kind of people are just not mainstream society. doing my hobby i feel i really fit in. in the greater world, i feel like an alien. meh. not caring helps a lot grin

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather Wed 30-Mar-16 20:43:32

Reading the OP, I felt it could have been written by me - I feel the same, and then when I read further down and saw all the INFJ/INFP, now I understand why! I was INFJ a few years ago but now score as INFP. Explains a lot!

DaisyFranceLynch Wed 30-Mar-16 20:56:23

I score as INFP too and could have written your post. Oddly, the older I get the more kindred spirits I seem to meet, both in real life and online - I used to feel much more outsidery than I do now, and I am not sure whether I have changed or whether all the other INF types are suddenly coming out of the woodwork!

zoemaguire Wed 30-Mar-16 21:03:25

Gosh, I always come out as INFJ too, though I've never done the full test. I felt a social oddball all through my teens and to a lesser extent early 20s. Weirdly though, in recent years I seem oddly to have become much better at making friends, to the extent that I actually can't keep up with all the new possibilities for friendship that keep emerging!! I suspect the difference is now exactly that with three kids and a full and busy life, I am definitely no longer over-eager, and way more laid back about whether people like me or not. It does seem like that is the key to people wanting to be friends with you! I'm not at the centre of any particular social group and never will be, but I'm very happy indeed to be on the edge of lots of them.

Neon1077 Thu 31-Mar-16 00:29:02

**Madamdeathstare - where did you do the Meyers brigg test?

OneMoreForExtra Thu 31-Mar-16 00:42:44

ENFP here but often feel on the outside, and have noticed that my natural friendship pattern is to be drawn into an existing pair of friends, making a threesome. This has happened over and over again. I do have individual friends and bigger groups, but often feel a bit lost in the bigger groups and often feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an individual friend. Not quite the point of the thread but maybe worth reflecting on the friendship situations in which you feel comfortable, OP? I know I behave differently in different groups and people then react accordingly.

VertigoNun Thu 31-Mar-16 00:56:47

OP , I agree you may be too nice, jealousy or not have a required social capital. I would advise keeping them on the edge of your life.

I did the test and was borderline with each section and given both options to look at then given a long lost of potentials personality types. confused I must be vanilla.

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