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If you have a group of friends, would you stop inviting one if they declined a few invitations?

(22 Posts)
WonderingAspie Mon 28-Mar-16 21:48:13

Just wondering.

You were a close group of friends. 1 had started declining to join in everything they were invited to. Sometimes they would come, sometimes they wouldn't. Their DCs still attended parties they were invited to, one time the DH took them rather than the friend.

Would you then, as a group, not invite this person to anything again?

HeddaGarbled Mon 28-Mar-16 22:00:24

No. Too harsh and bordering on bullying.

I'd be interested to know why, though. Depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, ME, hideous skin condition, being kept a prisoner by evil H, hates you all?

Ellarose85 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:01:23

No, you don't know the reasons behind them declining.

This happened to me, I had awful PND. I had every intention of going to things but couldn't bring myself to go out of the house and I felt embarrassed to talk about it.

I don't talk to all but one of my old friendship group and I actually feel better off without them.

Rainbowlou1 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:10:14

No I wouldn't now...I suffered with dreadful pnd among other issues and declined invites a lot-often I hate to admit at the last minute..
Now, if I'm on the flip side in those situations I try to see the bigger picture and consider there may be other factors x

WonderingAspie Mon 28-Mar-16 22:13:31

What if you knew they were struggling and having counselling, they have a long term health condition and said they were trying not to do too much but they had new friends that they sometimes did things with?

Ellarose85 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:21:05

I think I would try to be a friend instead of looking for a reason to drop them from the friendship group. Especially if they were struggling regardless of them seeing new friends.

HeddaGarbled Mon 28-Mar-16 22:24:25

Maybe suggest meeting up one to one in your or her home rather than in big groups so easier for her to manage?

This might be why she can deal with the new friends rather than the old social group.

Also you could ask her, would you still like to be invited, though we understand you may not feel up to it, or would you prefer us not to ask?

WonderingAspie Mon 28-Mar-16 22:45:50

I didn't want to say because I wanted the answers first, but I'm not in the group excluding one. I'm the one being excluded. I've been told that there was no reason for DH to take them to the party, I could have gone and just sat there (told them I was resting) and they don't like the fact I am doing stuff with other friends and not them. I went through my Facebook. I had done something with my other friends 7 times in 11 months and some of that was kids parties, so hardly out with them all the time.

They know I have health problems and I told them I was trying not to do too much as it was getting worse and I also was forced into telling them about my counselling and how i was struggling after a disagreement between me and some of them.

They just stopped inviting me to anything ever. If I ever see any of them about (very rarely) they couldn't be nicer, which makes me think they are being fake. I had a disagreement with 1 over these things and I said I guess she was speaking for them all, which she said she wasn't but none of them included me in anything after that. I've seen 2 of them on their own about twice. This has been in the last 18 months ish.

I just wanted to know if it was me that was the problem really.

PushingThru Mon 28-Mar-16 22:51:40

It's definitely them & not you.

Ellarose85 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:53:26

Your situation sounds remarkably similar to mine OP. It's horrible and I found myself getting really upset over it all but I've finally realised that they aren't particularly nice people so I focus on the people who bring out the good in me and lift me up when I need them instead of making me feel worse.

You are better off without them smile

Ellarose85 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:53:54

And it's them not you.

WonderingAspie Mon 28-Mar-16 23:10:33

Thanks.

I have an amazing friend who never fails to make me laugh. I have another couple of friends who I really like. I often seem to make the crappy type though who seem lovely but then something changes. I did it again with one of the mums at school. She has gone 'odd' for no reason. I'm fed up of wasting my energy with people like this. I'm very much what you see is what you get so I take everyone at face value, at first anyway. I think I'll stick to the few friends I have and not go looking for a wider group. It never seems to last in groups.

HeddaGarbled Mon 28-Mar-16 23:21:26

One or two good friends are worth far far more than a large social circle of fair weather friends.

Rainbowlou1 Mon 28-Mar-16 23:24:12

It's definitely them and not you...I feel for you so much because I've been there but I see now I'm through the other side (almost) who are and aren't real friends xx

IreallyKNOWiamright Tue 29-Mar-16 12:26:55

I think it could be any reason she might have anxiety or poorly or have elderly parents that need care. I think we often take these things as a rejection of us But behind thr decline of the invite there will be something she is struggling with.
Remember the saying be kind to every because we don't know who else is fighting a battle.

IreallyKNOWiamright Tue 29-Mar-16 12:27:49

Sorry for typing errors keep pressing post first by mistake!

wanderinglonely Tue 29-Mar-16 13:05:31

They know you are having problems and yet none of them seem prepared to see things from your perspective or to be supportive. In my opinion they are not really your friends and are not people you want as friends. Stick with the few good friends you have and try to forget about these people that are unhappy because you are not behaving in the way they expect you to. Unfortunately times of crisis and ill-health often reveal who our real friends are.

Allnamesaretakenffs Tue 29-Mar-16 13:08:27

I'm often unable to attend anything of my friends mostly because I live an hour away now but also because they don't have children and I do so it's hard to arrange childcare, but it means everything to me that they still bother to invite me to the main stuff every single year, even though they know I won't in all likehood be able to go. They're truly good friends.

Slowdecrease Tue 29-Mar-16 14:45:16

You do get "asking fatigue' after a while. If one person makes no effort to be part of group stuff then the group can start to assume that friend is willingly distancing themselves and thus stop inviting them only to be rejected - it works both ways.

2rebecca Tue 29-Mar-16 15:00:07

If you want to socialise with them again then start inviting them to stuff. Friendship is a 2 way thing. It sounds as though you expect "them" to do all the organising.
If 1 person persistently refused to come to stuff then you stop seeing them as part of the group. Friendship groups change over time.
Organise something at a time that suits you and invite people you'd like to come.

WonderingAspie Tue 29-Mar-16 21:10:01

"and try to forget about these people that are unhappy because you are not behaving in the way they expect you to. "

You have hit the nail on the head. There was a couple of things where I didn't follow blindly along and automatically agree, I stood up for my point or didn't do exactly as one person wanted me to. The cracks started then. I was doing a certain course (mental health orientated) and I learnt that it was ok to think about myself so I was clear about what I would and wouldn't do and it wasn't received well.

slow, in a group of close friends, if a good friend started not seeing people, I'd wonder why and ask if every thing was ok. Not one person did. They just got the hump. And I didn't decline everything. I just didn't go to everything when I did before but I would be ill because of it. I then realised that wasn't healthy and I stopped doing so much. They know I am ill. Some of them have even seen what happens when I am bad. They simply didn't care.

2rebecca, it's a funny dynamic. There are some in the group who never initiate anything, they always turn up but are happy to let other do the inviting. It was never an issue and not something that was ever brought up. One woman you hardly ever see, none of us have ever been to her house, she has never invited anyone to anything, she doesn't keep in touch between occasions, yet she would still be invited every time. Sometimes she would come, sometimes she wouldn't but nobody ever said anything negative about the fact that she declined about 50% of the time. No one ever complained about some not doing the inviting either.

Tbh, there are probably only 2 I'd bother with seeing. One I did invite over a while ago and she came and said about me going to hers but it never materialised. The other is always doing something. But I have seen both of them have 'events' and they also don't ask so I do think is there any point.

It does seem to stem from 2 Tbh. One, we had a disagreement and I've seen how bitchy she can be when she turns on someone and I have no doubt she would have been the same to me, the other we did clash a bit as she liked to be in charge a lot and didn't like that I was the only one who wouldn't follow blindly along with her ideas all the time. I was happy to say "thanks but I'll leave it this time" or something to that effect whereas the others would complain that it's not what they really wanted to do but would go along with her anyway. I do think a lot of this is to do with them. Some are the anything for a quiet life/go along with the crowd types.

Slowdecrease Tue 29-Mar-16 22:15:30

Well if you don't want to 'go along with crowd' as it were then its clearly the wrong crowd for you.

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