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Clingy 'friend' rant(82 Posts)
I've recently moved to a new area and started talking to one of the mums at school. Turns out she lives at the end of my street. She mentioned about having a brew sometime, I was happy to be making new friends. I'm not the most social person in the world but a brew every week or two would be good. We exchanged numbers and before I'd even got through my door I had a text of her saying hi, this turned into 2 then 3 then 15 texts saying how happy she was to be my friend and she hopes I make an effort with her as her other friends never do and it's always her asking to meet etc. I should have got the hint there and then she was a little full on! I mean, I've only just met you! She came for a quick brew the day after at 1 we did the school run together I said my goodbyes and went home she was knocking on the door before I'd even taken my coat off and just walked straight in when I opened the door her kids in tow saying it will be nice to see if they get on with each other. She put me in the spot so I didn't say anything! She was still there 8pm!! She only left when my husband walked in from work and even then it was a struggle getting her to go. Since then she texts me every morning- hi are you ok?x if I don't reply straight away she sends another if I don't reply she messages in Facebook, if I don't reply she whatsapps, I've got 4 young kids and two dogs so I'm pretty bloomin busy! It's even got to the point there she fake rings me-oops sorry must have dailed in my pocket or I'll get a series off kkkjjhhbbbvcxddff texts where she will tell me her 18 month old somehow unlocked her phone and sent me 30 messages.shes always asking if she can come round so I can put her hair in braids. I'm a 30 year old woman with a family to look after I don't really have the time. It's really full on. I've been making excuses why she can't come round for a brew but I'm running out of them and don't want to hurt her feelings by saying you know what? Your not my kind of person. She asked me via text a few days ago if I thought she was pestering ;that to me says she knows she is)so I took the opportunity to say something. I said yes you are, I'm a busy mum and you obviously have more free time than I do. She said she would back off and didn't want to lose me as a friend because if it. The next day she came to pick up a game she had lend to my son her and her husband turn up on my doorstep at around 8pm in their pyjamas and come in for a brew. That had long finished and I'd yawned a few times husband had started sorting his things out for morning and she says right I'll have another brew before we go. I really don't know how to deal with her. I don't want to be mean, but I just don't have to time for such a clingy person. I like my own company 😕
O M F G!!!!
I'm going to have a think about what you can do lol.....
I have someone like this on my street so be interested to know. I'm running out of excuses too. Just bugger off and take the hint.
Wow. That's ultra clingy. Is there any mileage in this friendship, ie if you tell her (nicely) to back off, would she still be a friendship worth having if you see her less? Or do you just want out now?
You could go for the subtle/not so subtle hint approach but it sounds like she may not take them?
Sounds to me like she knows she is clingy but doesn't know how to stop.
Ultimately you may have to just back off completely until she gets the message.
We have absolutely nothing in common other than the fact our kids go to the same school. They are not the same age. If I say I'm busy she will ask over and over again until she gets me to say why I'm busy. Sometimes I just want to sit on the sofa with my boobs out and feed my little girl in peace while the older ones are at school. When I've tried to ignore her recently she will come round knocking on the door ringing texting and knocking all at the same time! I really shouldn't be keeping my curtains closed hiding from someone
Personally I would just tell her politely not to come again, in a text. You've given her chances. Just say that you're not on the same level friendship wise.
Yeah, seems like that's the only option. Didn't want to make it awkward at school or anything but at the same time I'm being made to feel awkward in my own home 😕
i just want to sit on my sofa with my boobs out. maybe just tell her this!
Time to be more firm. If you texts saying "are you okay?" text back saying "yes thanks, see you on the school run". If she texts back again say "sorry, really busy so can't text but will speak to you on the school run". As for her turning up at the door I would have turned them away. "Sorry we are about to go to bed for an early night DH has to get up early". Who was looking after her kids whilst they were both at your house?
I don't think you are going to be able to get out of this situation without a confrontation, and some kind of emotional over-reaction on her part. I think you're just going to need to grit your teeth and tell her it's not working out for you, and then brace yourself for the storm of recriminations.
I'm not sure what the best script would be. Something like a break-up from a guy you've been on a couple of dates with: "Hi x, this isn't working out for me. I need more time and space to myself, and you want contact every day and to drop in un-announced. We're just don't want the same thing I'm afraid. You're a lovely person but I'm just not the friend you want."
You can also try to be busy every single time she calls or stops by, but with someone that pushy it's going to be drawn-out and probably more stressful than saying clearly: "No more, not ever" once and for all.
Great tips mrsH! She said brother in law is staying over so he was watching the kids. calleighdoodle-it's all I seem to do at the moment haha
Ricecrispie- that would more than likely happen. she was going out the other night and I didn't want to braid her hair- after her being super pushy I just ignored her. She then tried making me feel bad later in the evening by telling me she didn't go out anymore because her hair wasn't done and she didn't feel up to it because of that
Gosh! I am overwhelmed just by reading your OP. I am a bit like you in the fact that I don't like to hurt people feelings but....this has to stop.
Reset the boundaries to somewhere you are comfortable with, not visitors after certain time, (as you have a bed time routine) no coffee/ playdates for more than an hour (you have to organize things in the house, go shopping, cook or want a long bath), etc
Ignore text msgs, just answer if you want once a day, she'll soon get the hint.
If she comes by surprise, you have two choices, don't open the door (you are in the shower, back garden etc) or open the door and say it's not a good moment, I'll call you to catch up another time, then you are in control
Do mention to her a cut out before hand for instance she pops in one day after school and you say to her, so happy to see you xxx, I am glad you came but I need to get on with x, y, z at 5 o'clock, and 10 min before 5 just pick up her cup and say it's been great to see you, and now I need to do x, y or z. If she doesnt leave, stand up and open the door, make a long phone call or go upstairs and totally ignore her....don't worry about hurting her feelings as she has obviously a thick skin.
Think of her as a" time stealer", she is stealing your precious time that you and your family so much deserve.
Tbh OP i am learning the ropes as I go along myself , sometimes I am better than others at dealing with this kind of thing , hope it helps you though
That's great! Those are definitely some handy tips! most of my friends are like me a ten minute brew and a natter every month is more than enough so I've never had to deal with this type of person before. I'll definitely try these and cross my fingers it works!
I breastfed continuously for four years so i feel your pain! (Two different children! One stopped the day before the second was born) Not sure there's anyone left who hasnt seen my boobs.
Have no suggestions at all how to deal with clingy woman.
Omg maybe im clingy friend?!?! When i go round to a friends house during the day i guess ill be there for two hours. At night usually 5 but thats with alcohol...
Doodle - doe they invite you and do the same in return or do you turn up unannounced and stay for hours?
She and her husband turned up on your door-step at around 8pm in their PJs "for a brew"? Sounds like they were hoping to stay the night! Who the fuck goes out in their PJs? Not anyone I know.
This one has the skin of an effing rhino. That, coupled with little-to-no boundaries means that you'll need to gird your loins and be brutally honest. She's going to be harder to shake off than a case of the boils.
Don't respond to her texts. Don't let her in when she's knocking on the door. 'Hi, nice to see you" at the school gate, and then run like the bloody wind!
Your children aren't even the same ages, so you've nothing to lose and everything to gain by avoiding her like the plague.
If nothing else works try "you're so full on, you're bordering on desperate and I don't have time for a friendship like this. Goodbye".
Thai happened to me a couple of years ago....it was a nightmare! I found it embarrassing to cope with the amount of times I had to put her off, lie, pretend to be out etc...
She would invite me to do something every, single day. I NEVER answered her phone calls...and stopped responding to every text... If I didn't text her straight back, she'd send another one saying something like, I'm passing in about 20 minutes, I've made you a cake, I'll drop it in.... Which, of course, would force me to respond... II don't even like bloody cake!!
If I was out, and one of my friends checked in and tagged me on Facebook, she'd turn up....or she'd comment..'what about me?' 'When are we going to get together'... She even got her Hubble to try and befriend mine and then we got invited to theirs as a couple.... (He was actually quite a nice guy)...
I felt totally manipulated - I really feel your pain!
It took me about 2 years before she finally gave up....I should have been firmer, more honest, so if there is one bit of advice I would give you it is to confront it and deal with it...these people are thick skinned, subtle hints don't work!
Good luck OP!
Toast! My hubby actually likes her hubby, me too, he's a really nice guy and a total laugh, trouble with that us hubby will invite him round to watch the footy then she's like I'll come for a brew while they boys are busy. I quite like football I wanna watch the match too! That was her last night saying she was coming to collect the game so I couldn't say no then she didn't even take it as they are on holiday today for a week so oh yeah he doesn't need it back! It was just an excuse to come round!
you need to be really blunt
are you in a culture of "dropping by"? Does she know if you have other friends drop by? If not, then that's the first thing to knock on the head - tell her you're busy.
And also text her and say "I can't run a friendship like this"
this woman does not get hints. btw if you lose her all together, I'd suggest that would be a good thing!
OP your situation is scarily similar lol - Both our hubs are into sport - (i,like it too and if a big match is on I watch it)... She would encourage her hubby to ring mine... 'Fancy a beer and watch the match in the pub mate'? He'd agree to go with him because he wanted to....then she would start hassling me to get together whilst they were out....once she turned up at the pub expecting me to be there (I knew she'd do this so didn't go)... When I wasn't there she was ringing and texting 'where are you'? 'You're not here so im on my way over'.... I turned all the lights out and went to bed.... It was then that I realised how ridiculous it was. I'm a confident person, with a lot of friends and a demanding job yet I just couldn't deal with this woman.... I still can't quite work out why!
Once her husband invited mine and he declined, saying no thanks - me n toast are going to watch it together and have a quiet one. He would then ask where and they'd invite themselves to join us..ffs! If we said we were watching it at home they either turn up or invite us there...it was just so cringey!
I really don't envy you!
Ooooo this sounds awful!
I had a friend that used to overstep boundaries too, a real learning curve on how to assert yourself.
Yea it came down to having to ensure the door was locked, not answering it if we didn't want to and firmly stating what we did & didnt want to happen.
Me & partner at the time used to laugh that she'd get in between us in the bed given half the chance!!!
You are going to have to get quite blunt. She knows she is full on but really isn't taking the hint to back off. You will have to spell it out to her.
One of the school mums was a bit like this to a friend of mine. I decided she would never get my mobile number. Our DCs are friends in school but in school is where it will stay!
OMG this is awful and I have had a very similar thing happen to me. She would have moved in with me and my DH, given half a chance.
I got to dread seeing her. In the end I had to be extremely blunt, but I had no choice. She was quite a interesting person as well but was so thick skinned, needy and overwhelming.
I think you have to do what I did and sit her down and tell her. It is the kindest and fairest way.
What's the alternative? Cowering behind the curtains and dreading a knock on the door ?
My stalker would never have taken a hint. I had to smack her in the face, metaphorically speaking.
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