Anxiety spiralling out of control - long!

[spirallinganxiety]

Hi

I posted a while ago about losing my camera in the house and wondering if the painter who was working there at the time had taken it - the thread is here.

The same thing has happened to me again but with a different object - my Mum died of cancer 9 and a half years ago, she was 63. After she died my Dad shared out most of her jewellery between my sister and I, amongst the items that I got was a ruby and diamond ring that he had given her for her 40th or 50th birthday, I can't remember which.

If we go away I normally bring it with me because I am scared that it might get taken if someone breaks into our house. We were about to leave to spend Easter weekend with my husband's family and I had it on my finger. My husband was trying to fix the leaking shower and asked me to help. I took the ring off and put it in my back pocket or at least was sure that I did . I then forgot about it for a bit and when I remembered it was no longer there . I honestly don't know if it fell out of my back pocket or if I took it out and put it somewhere else. I searched all the mud and rubbish which had been near the pipe I was helping H fit (I was outside the house and he was inside in the shower cubicle). He searched the drain in case it had rolled in there - I am sure I would have seen this happen but even so he told me he felt all the way to the bottom. I then looked around inside the house in a mad panic. Everyone was waiting to leave the house so this delayed us (we had already been delayed by the leaking shower). I told H that I was not going to go with everyone as I was going to stay behind to search for the ring - he told me not to be so stupid . In any case I then thought that it would be pointless to keep on searching and miss my dds' birthday celebrations, and that I could always come home early by train if I was desperate to search in peace and quiet.

H was kind in that he searched the drain, but he pretty quickly was saying "oh well" about the ring, so clearly he has no idea of what it means to me. He asked me to drive (his family live about 2 hours away), so I did, and cried the entire journey, he seemed not to notice and then fell asleep. We got to his Mum's house and I had to go upstairs several times to cry in the bathroom.

I am torturing myself about what might have happened to this ring and how I could have been so stupid. Thinking that it is going to lie somewhere undetected forever. It was almost as if I was sobbing for my Mum yesterday.

Dd1 always stays the night with her cousins at my SIL's house when we are here and this time ds went as well. At about 11.45 this morning I got a text from SIL asking if Dd2 specifically wanted to join them for the Easter Egg hunt they were going to have, she also asked if I could pick up another cousin of theirs and bring her over. So H and I drove the two girls over. I dropped them at the door and said that H and I were going on an errand and that we could be in touch when they wanted them picked up. At this point SIL, with a face like thunder, said, "fine, we'll babysit then" and walked away??? At no point had she asked me or H (her brother) over. I went back to the car and told H about it . I do not have the easiest relationship with SIL and IMO she is a difficult person. He said I should ignore what had happened but also that I grovel to people and they get fed up ??

After our errand, which did not take long, I rang SIL and asked her when she wanted the girls to be picked up? She coldly said that I had just dropped them off? I said yes but referred back to her babysitting comment - all she did then was tell me to ask the kids what they wanted to do and passed the phone to my ds - who was kind of nonplussed and said he would text me later....

So, the point of all that was that I was then upset by SIL's behaviour. This was then compounded by an argument with H. The errand we went on was going to see a property that he bought with another family member in his home town about 2 years ago. It is in the process of being extended but work has had to stop (about 6 months ago now if not more) as there is no money at the moment. I asked him if another of his properties (that he rents out) is for sale because I vaguely know that the plan is to sell this to pay for the work that needs to be done to the unfinished property, as well as various other things / debts. At this point, annoyed and rolling his eyes, he said "you KNOW that it is". I said no I don't (and it's true that things chop and change a lot with H and his business (as in the business he runs) is very much HIS business). I also then made a comment about how I would LIKE to know everything. To cut a long story short, at the same time as buying the property in his home town, H also bought a retail property in the town we live in. To buy both these properties, he sold a property that he used to rent out. At the time he did not tell me about the property he sold, or the retail property that he bought. For around 9 whole months he told me nothing about the retail property at all, and in that time he did a lot of work on it as he has made massive alterations to it (I have now been there quite a few times). When I first found out about the shop, or thought I had found out, he lied several times to my face about it. He only stopped lying when I knew for certain that he did in fact own this shop.

So that is kind of the setting for me saying (somewhat passive aggressively I know) "I would LIKE to know everything". I guess that since the shop episode (it caused a massive crisis between us but that was a year ago now and things got back on to some kind of even keel, but our relationship is not at all close) I have realised that he could be doing any number of things and I wouldn't know about it (though to be fair I honestly don't think so at the moment).

In any case, H responded to my comment by saying that I "do nothing" but want to "stick my nose in" . Cue me being upset and listing all the things I do which contribute to our life.

At this point I was thinking fuck it, I am just going to get on a train back home and carry on looking for my bloody ring. I was sobbing in the car trying to explain to H that our relationship is based on very little and that I really need some affection (this is a long standing issue) and kindness but he seems to speak a different language to me and accused me of "picking on him".

Got back to his Mum's house (all the dc still with SIL) and I rang my Aunt and spoke to her for a long time. Calmed down and then decided it would be silly to go rushing back home only to sit in the house feeling depressed, anxious and panicky about not finding my Mum's ring. H's version of being conciliatory was that he asked me to proof read a letter he was writing . A while later H went to get the dc, SIL then came over after that. I was unable to say anything to her or even look in her direction, as she can be scarily cold and judgemental, and I suppose that I am scared of her.

I don't know what I am trying to say - except that there seem to be more and more lost item and ensuing complete panic and anxiety episodes. I feel as if my mind is going round and round in obsessive ever decreasing circles and that my world is shrinking. During episodes like this I can really feel my mental health suffering.

I can't believe that H referred to me "sticking my nose in" - it feels humiliating.

I am 47 and only just properly going back to work (after a year of working intermittently as various other things were happening) after being a SAHM for a long time. I am glad about this (except that it is still a zero hours contract and for the moment I only have assured work until the end of July) but the pay is awful. I haven't got any kind of pension except the state one, and don't see how I will be able to save on the money I will be getting. I am also training to do other hopefully more lucrative work, but feel more or less optimistic about this depending on how down I am feeling at the time.

A 53 year old member of staff at the dcs' school has just died of a heart attack. The Irish family drowning in their car, the bomb in Brussels and the Muslim shopkeeper murdered in Glasgow apparently for wishing someone a Happy Easter on social media, are all really awful things and very depressing.

In down moments I feel that I am 47, sometimes feel unattractive, have few job prospects, am unloved by my H, don't get on with my SIL etc..

It feels as if things like my Mum's ring were/are holding me together, and the fact that I can't now find it is a tragedy .

I am not even sure what I am asking, I suppose I am wondering if anyone else has been through the kind of anxiety where they are worried about their mental health and they suddenly feel very fragile - because that is how I have been feeling / sometimes feel.

[EveryoneElsie]

Oh lovey, I've been there and lower. I wish I could help you look for your ring.

[spirallinganxiety]

Thank you. How did you get out of it Elsie?

[Zaurak]

Check the washing machine - inside the rubber seal and inside the filter .if it got bundled up with clothes it's possible it's there.
Also check under units etc.

[gruffalo13]

I'm sorry to hear that you have been suffering so much with anxiety. I too suffer and your day sounds like a few I have had.
I have tried AD's and they helped a lot although the side effects were intolerable to me. I've got benzos for short term use when it gets really bad. They are fantastic but addictive so I'm really really careful.
I practise yoga and meditation and that also helps a bit. I've given up alcohol as that made it worse although appeared to help on the surface.
I've been really honest with DH about my struggles and he's been great. Although gets sick of it. (anxiety)
I feel there's no one way to break the cycle but try lots of things and hope some might help! My anxiety is around my children and safety, so as they grow its getting better.
This is a long way of saying I understand how fragile one can feel at times when mental health issues are present.
I do hope you can find the ring.
Your SIL sounds painful too.
Hope you feel better soon x

[Onecallaway]

You may well find the ring but it might just turn up in an unexpected place. I would say it is a complete coincidence that the ring and your camera have both disappeared as the last place you had your ring was in your pocket so it's lost not stolen.

Have you posted before about the shop your dh owns and how secretive he was about it? Of course you should know about his wheelings and dealings.

As for your sil, she sounds difficult and the babysitting thing was probably a misunderstanding.

You're right that the news is horrible at the moment. Sometimes I avoid the news when I find myself worrying about it all too much.

As for your husband, well, he is not a kind man. Do you want to stay with him?

You have a lot going on at the moment. Give yourself a break.

[pocketsaviour]

Are you getting any treatment for your anxiety, which from what you've written seems to be escalating steeply right now? Can you speak to your GP and explain how things seem to be spiralling for you?

[EveryoneElsie]

I had PTSD. That eventually died down to generalised anxiety disorder, with the help of time and meds. Then I had counselling, then cognitive behaviour therapy. I'm talking about a long, slow process of recovery over a decade after a very serious event.
One day I literally got very fed up of dealing with the anxiety, and got angry at it. From then on it got easier to deal with, it was still there but the way I thought about it had changed and I was no longer afraid of it.
The anxiety became a physical reaction that went on separately from what was happening in my thoughts. I gained a bit more self confidence after that.

[spirallinganxiety]

Thanks for your messages. Meant to answer yesterday but we were still with H's family and it was hectic.

I don't think the ring would have got into the washing machine as I was wearing the pair of jeans I had put it in and then took them with me over the weekend. Never say never though so I will check the seal and filter. I will also check under units. It feels impossible that it would have fallen out of my back pocket as it is not as if my jeans are loose , but you never know?

Coming back home was weird - I feel as if the house is malevolently hiding the ring and I could feel the darkness closing in on my mind last night - it feels better this morning but there is this constant low level anxiety that it is lying somewhere and I have no idea where. There is a room full of tools that I was going in and out of on the day I lost it, so I have to sift through all of that. H took some of the tools to work so I am paranoid it might be in amongst what he took. I am also wondering whether the ring somehow got next door as I was kneeling in the side return when it was in my back pocket so am thinking it might have popped out and bounced under the fence or onto the neighbour's drive as our side gate was open . Then start to think that the neighbours could be hiding it - paranoid much! I also think it could have fallen down the drain but as H drained it and looked, don't see what else I can do about that.... So all these thoughts are going round and round in my head and I have butterflies in my stomach.

It is true that I am too nostalgic about lots of things - drawings the kids do etc etc... and it is kind of an obsession. Maybe losing the ring is a lesson in trying to live in the moment instead, but I still have to find it as it is literally and emotionally too precious an item to lose .

Am even considering consulting a psychic to help me find it as you never know. Not sure I believe in all that or not and I am sure a lot of people cheat and lie, but not everybody....

I am not doing anything about being anxious at the moment though I have been to see counsellors in the past - it seems to have escalated sharply in connection with lost sentimental items. If I were to find the ring now I would feel a lot better. So not sure if it is just a normal reaction to an event? Also not sure if it is a normal reaction to my relationship with H which a lot of the time is not easy? So if I were to find the ring and H were to move somewhere hot where he is happy (he is always talking about wanting to live in a particular hot country) I would probably feel a lot better ?

Have you posted before about the shop your dh owns and how secretive he was about it? Of course you should know about his wheelings and dealings

Yes I have posted about it before. I have got over the massive crisis that finding out about the shop caused, but long term it has made me realise that he is always going to do what he wants to do... Don't know if he (or both of us) is biding his time - I am sure he knows what he wants to do later (buy a property in the hot country) and no doubt he will do it if he can... In roughly 8 years all the dc will have finished school so, given that there is no affection in our relationship, don't see why we would stay together at that point?

As for your sil, she sounds difficult and the babysitting thing was probably a misunderstanding.

I think she was thinking that my daughter and her cousin (who are 10 and 8 years old) would need more care and I think she assumed that I would come along. I did not realise this as her two texts had read: "Hi. We are having an Egg Hunt, does dd2 want to come?" and "Can you pick up cousin?" I texted yes and yes and she said "great". Dropping them off and saying I would be in touch about picking them up she immediately looked really angry (instantly) and stomped off saying "OK WE'LL BABYSIT THEN". No - would you like to come in too? or - would you mind staying as we are going to the park later (which I did not know) and might need some help? I literally thought they were just going to be at her house, in her garden. Her extreme reaction just made me feel awful and very upset anyway, and not inclined to go running in after her asking her what the matter was. Dd2 later told me that when H came to pick them up, SIL complained to him that I had not come in or to the park with them and that I had said "I would be in touch" and something about how I had gone to MIL's house to watch TV instead . This is dd's recollection so I am sure it did not go exactly like that but she definitely told me that SIL had been rude about me. When I asked H about it (because the next day we had to collect dd1 froth their house and I told him to go) he looked at me like I was mad and told me I had a screw loose .

I don't have room to deal with another difficult rude person as H is often difficult and rude enough himself. Dd1 spends a lot of time at SIL's house when we are in their town as she gets on very well with one of her cousins. She is then off when we come back home (she is rude in any case as 12 years old and testing boundaries) and I worry that she is in an environment where her Aunt thinks it's okay to be rude about her mother. I have bent over backwards doing family things over the years - accommodating moods and difficult people as well as having people visit us at our house and going on massive sightseeing trips with them because all the dc wanted to go.... It feels like a kick in the teeth to be treated in this way because I dropped two people off for an Easter Egg hunt and did not stay . I had no idea they were planning a trip to the park. I used to spend a lot more time in their house when the dc were smaller but I no longer really feel comfortable there as SIL and partner make little effort to communicate with me really, so I feel on the backfoot. We were there on New Year's Eve for example and they hardly said anything to me (H did not go, it was just me and the dc) as they had other friends and family there as well. SIL is opinionated and broadcasts her opinions and judgements all the time. She tends to jump on someone who expresses an opinion she does not agree with and really put them in their place, so I tend not to talk when she is around. She is also quick to dislike and seems to spend a lot of time saying that people or things are stupid or wrong etc etc... Or that she does not like this person or that person... I just don't live my life in that abrasive, critical, always right kind of way.
Yesterday afternoon I had butterflies in my stomach because I thought she was about to come to MIL's house, but luckily she didn't. She does this weird thing of making you feel like you are totally unimportant - she once told me that she talks to me if she has got bored talking to her blood relations - yet at the same time judging you completely and utterly. We used to get on better and have a laugh some of the time but I am not sure what has happened.

Yes H is sometimes unkind. It's very difficult to know what to do about that as of course our lives are massively intertwined and I think that trying to get divorced would increase my anxiety stratospherically. I don't want to live separately from the dc some of the time, or for H to be in that position, or for the dc not to have access to both of us... It's difficult to see the wood for the trees. But yes it isn't a relationship when 2 people never touch is it?? I used to try but I have given up as there is only so much disinterest I can take.

I am really sorry about your PTSD Elsie. I feel like a fraud because you must have been through something really awful, I am really sorry, and I am glad you cope with your anxiety better. I like the idea of carrying on separately to the anxiety - compartmentalising in a way.

[spirallinganxiety]

And if SIL did complain about me to H, it is kind of misogynistic as he was sitting in the car at the time, so he could very well have been the one who went along to help "babysit" .

[spirallinganxiety]

I find that the anxiety is immobilising - so I know I need to look for the ring but that makes me feel awful so I don't do it, and I don't do anything else either .

[spirallinganxiety]

Hi
Just bumping in case anyone has any words of wisdom as to why

a. I don't need to worry about SIL and her bullying antics

and how

b. I can find the ring . Or why if it is really lost, it does not matter that I have lost a deeply significant and very valuable piece of jewellery . It is this that is making me feel awful and as if nothing is worth anything anymore. Like I could easily drown myself in a river like Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Just torturing myself as to how I could have been so stupid as to put the ring in my back pocket (I was trying to stop it being damaged while I helped H with the plumbing).

[gruffalo13]

It's easy to say don't worry, but hard to do...
Just try to remember, the ring is only a thing. It's a symbol. You always have your memories and thoughts and can never lose those.
Can you still visit gp to explain about your anxiety as they will be able to suggest some solutions for you. I truly understand where you are at. See the doctor, get some help, relief from the overwhelm. Good luck xx

[spirallinganxiety]

Thank you. You are right about the ring being a symbol. I did feel as if it (and other things like it) was holding me together however. And I feel very stupid losing it in this way.

Have not quite exhausted all looking avenues but that is also making me really anxious as it could be literally anywhere .

[spirallinganxiety]

Will try and go to the GP but I don't really want any drugs - I suppose they might refer me for counselling but last time I was referred (and did not take it up in the end) their appointment times were totally out of sync with anyone who might be working.

[gruffalo13]

Hope you are feeling a bit better today

[spirallinganxiety]

Thanks gruffalo.

I am trying to anaesthetise myself against thinking about the ring but it's hard as it is permanently on my mind and my stomach is permanently in knots. If I look for it (as I have been doing on and off for a few days now) it is really painful. The fact that it is somewhere, maybe outside, possibly being damaged. Or someone has found it and now has it . Or a million other horrible scenarios (well not a million). And the constant wondering how I could have been so stupid. So I wake up in the morning and the horror of my thoughts going round and round in my head and the grief, start again . I feel that nothing matters anymore. I know that I am slightly obsessive but losing this ring is out and out the worst material thing I could have lost.

I know that it is a "thing" and that I am lucky to be healthy (touch wood) as well as in lots of other ways, but I have been hit by a wave of grief and anxiety which have really knocked me for six. Thinking mad paranoid thoughts. Following on from the other episode where I couldn't find my camera which felt almost as painful, I feel really mentally weakened .

Add to this cocktail SIL behaving like a complete bully , and I wonder wtf is happening to me.

[spirallinganxiety]

Thanks again for asking about me gruffalo, and also for sharing all the things you do to help control your anxiety. I hope you are well too.

The one thing that would make me feel better now is going to spend some time with my Dad but it is difficult to do as he lives abroad. Feel like getting away from the house I live in which has somehow become slightly malevolent ever since I lost the ring. At the same time thinking that I will never be able to move away as that would mean leaving the ring as well.

[floatinglight]

You might find sound therapy useful. Youtube has millions of playlists for relaxation music. Not to minimise your anxiety level but it should help in long term.

Also, try Mindfullness by Mark Williams. You will find free youtube video for mindfullness.

[spirallinganxiety]

Thank you floating will have a look.

[pallasathena]

Sounds like hubby and his sister have identical issues. Try detaching emotionally from both, they sound like too much hard work to me.

[spirallinganxiety]

Yes I think they do!

[haveacupoftea]

I think you need to see your GP as it sounds like you're in a very dark place right now.