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Am I a nag?? Would you put up with this??

(24 Posts)
Louisa111 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:26:37

I'm sure all my dh thinks I love to do is moan at him and nag but this is really annoying me.
On his day off he pretty much does nothing , sometimes stays in bed watching films til 2pm. I'm up, sorting dd, doing household chores the lot. He works extremely long hours and gets one day off a week (apart from the exemption of yesterday) so I know he's tired and needs to relax but I really think that's taking the biscuit. I work too ( only part-time) but I never get a break to just relax for that long. If I bring it up all he says is 'well I work long hours' and it just causes a row. I can't even get him to agree on a holiday away... Maybe coz it would mean dragging himself away from the tv.
It would be so nice if just once on his day off he would get up early and plan a nice day out for us somewhere...I'm so bored with life. Am I being unreasonable?? I'm at my wits end really

RandomMess Sat 26-Mar-16 09:35:00

YANBU

The questions is:

Do you get equal leisure time?

Louisa111 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:49:58

Not really, when I'm
Not working it's housework, shopping and looking after dd. The only relax I get is when she is in bed... I do it all tbh

RandomMess Sat 26-Mar-16 10:12:40

That is what you need to discuss with him - that you both deserve equal leisure time and when are you getting your 5 hours off?

It does as though you are incompatible as you want to go out and do stuff and he isn't interested? Either find family and friends to socialise with and accept the difference or decide he's an utterly selfish self-indulgent man child that you don't want in your life.

I don't which he is btw.

Slowdecrease Sat 26-Mar-16 10:19:48

I can understand both viewpoints. They are diametrically opposed though so you have a decision to make, put up or shut up basically. Stay with him, be accepting or split and find someone who you can have more equality with maybe someone with a different job.

DoreenLethal Sat 26-Mar-16 10:20:49

It is not nagging - when do you get your down time?

Usually, this happens when you divorce or leave.

gandalf456 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:24:25

I hate the word nagging. It's so sexist

HandyWoman Sat 26-Mar-16 10:27:19

OP if nothing changes here you'll end up divorced.

You work outside the home and spend your time on the home working

He works outside the home and spends his time in the home relaxing while you do all the shit work.

Yes he works lots of hours but this is still COMPLETELY unbalanced.

I suspect all the grunt work you do is completely invisible to him and seems utterly beneath him. He possibly feels he is Lord of the House. He is an adult and should pitch in. He needs a wake up call. Ask him this - if the housework and child rearing isnt work - then why isnt he doing some?

Am I right in suspecting the rot set in when you were on mat leave, OP?

You have to discuss all this or you may as well go and see a solicitor. Nothing kills love quicker than feeling like a walking domestic appliance. Tell him that, OP.

Fairylea Sat 26-Mar-16 10:28:16

Only teenagers and those without children can stay in bed until 2pm in my opinion (extreme circumstances or night work aside)! He's being really unfair and ridiculous. No way would I put up with that. Days off should be both of you pitching in together and taking turns for a lie in.

littleleftie Sat 26-Mar-16 10:30:23

So book a holiday without him then - go with a friend.

He sounds like a sexist pig. Point out to him that if you split, nothing would change for you as you are doing it all anyway.

Fratelli Sat 26-Mar-16 10:33:40

Yanbu he's taking the piss! I work pt and dp works long hours so we have one day off together a week but we still take it in turns to have a lay in! You both work hard whether that's at home or at work and you both deserve a break.
I'm sure others will join me in giving him a quick kick up the arse!

TheNaze73 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:33:47

I'm with slowdecrease

HeffalumpHistory Sat 26-Mar-16 10:34:25

Yanbu!
Do you ever get a lie in?
I appreciate its his only day of but as such maybe his kids would appreciate some time & attention let alone to give you a break.
Maybe now & again but not consistently. He may well work long hours but so do you, out at work & having the children/doing everything around the house. Working long hours doesn't exempt him from family life or responsibility & is really unfair on you to shoulder everything else with no break or downtime
stops ranting & going off about own lazy dp

Pantone363 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:35:10

I see his position, he only gets one day when he doesn't have to rush around and get up and go to work and he wants to relax in his own way.

Which is fair enough. Except he has a child so he needs to grow up and accept those days are long gone. I HATE this idea that working outside of the house negates doing fuck all else inside the house. It stinks of the idea that women really do nothing al day but watch JK and lie on the sofa.

So what are your options: get a full time job and refuse to do housework/childcare above a fair ratio. Shut up, get on with it and self medicate with Valium whilst listening to Charlene's "never been to me". Talk to him and hope he realises you are miserable with life as it is.

My ex was the same, would get up on his day off and head out to the gym or golf because "I am man and I WORK"

Reader, I divorced the fucker

HandyWoman Sat 26-Mar-16 10:36:04

What littleleftie said.

He had a lot more to lose than you, if you split.

You, on the other hand would gain:

Child free time to relax
Less stuff to cook/wash etc
A house of peace free of the resentment of living with someone who is taking the piss.

So turn it around - why would you stay in a marriage like this?

For starters I'd take myself off at some point during his dat off - just go out. Preferably first thing in the morning. For some 'me time'.

Louisa111 Sat 26-Mar-16 11:59:07

We used to have lazy Sundays before dd was born, both lounge around watching films... It was nice but those days are gone. I'd love to just chill on a Sunday and watch a film esp if weather Is crap but I've always got too much to do while he does nothing.
Yes things did get worse while on maternity leave, he's never been what I call domesticated but he used to do a lot more than what he does now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. He doesn't get my point of view

RandomMess Sat 26-Mar-16 12:11:01

You could start by stopping doing things that are or him. His washing/laundry, cooking for him, cleaning his side of the bedroom, tidying away anything of his etc.

It really depends on how much of a stand you are prepared to make.

Arrange to go out for the day on your own on his days off so he has to do all the childcare related stuff?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 26-Mar-16 12:14:23

He works Iong hours. Newsflash, so do you work long hours as a mum, and At least he gets a tea break.

Choceclair123 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:15:35

For starters, hire a cleaner.

BrianButterfield Sat 26-Mar-16 12:19:13

I had an epiphany when H moved to work abroad - I expected life to be harder, as I was working with 2 DC, but it was easier. Not just the jobs around the house but the whole emotional strain of being the one who always keeps stuff together. Less washing, cleaning and cooking, more ability for us to just please ourselves...I have had one night out in 3 months but, even with sole care of the DC, plenty of lazy leisure time! With less to do around the house and no fear of criticism for not doing it, my time is my own when they're in bed. And on a weekend we can all pile into my bed and watch TV and eat brioche for breakfast if we want.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 26-Mar-16 12:19:24

"For starters hire a cleaner".
Oh just like that. I assume hired cleaners arent cheap.

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 26-Mar-16 12:35:39

Hmm, is there any chance he can cut back his working hours? Six days a week is hard-going on a permanent basis and I'm not surprised he's absolutely shattered. I've done them occasionally and I'm not fit to do much on the last day as I'm just so exhausted.

I'm not saying you don't do a lot as well, btw, but if he didn't have to work so many hours, he would be around more and could help you with DD and the housework as he wouldn't be so shattered from work.

How many hours a week are you out of the house compared to him? I think that would help with the answers. If he only does say, 50 hours spread across six days, he's just being a lazy bugger, but if he does say, a 70-80 hour week with a long commute, him being exhausted on his day off is more understandable.

Choceclair123 Sat 26-Mar-16 23:02:54

Liveinalighthouse you may well be surprised at the cost of hiring a cleaner if you actually looked into it. In my opinion, OP's life / time and loss thereof are of infinite more value.

TurnOffTheTv Sat 26-Mar-16 23:08:03

Yes, because lots of people have £100 spare a month for a cleaner.

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