Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The ignoring....gaaaa

(915 Posts)
jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 19:24:14

That is all.
Yes, I'm divorcing him.
He will continue to stoop to whatever method he can to control, upset and anger me.
Delay, delay, delay.

I've been here for a while but NC a while ago.

JontyDoggle37 Fri 25-Mar-16 19:39:44

As long as you recognise it as something e is doing to try to upset you, you can rise above it, laugh at his sad little games and look forward to the time when you are free and able to live your life without comment or judgement. flowers

tipsytrifle Fri 25-Mar-16 19:46:32

It's so hard to hold back on the rage and pain that's been created by all this, all this whatever your journey is and when the shit can you re-make your path to something happier. Come here to vent, keep freedom in your sights. It will get better. YOU will get better.

I'm glad you're divorcing him. As Jonty said, rise above. Carry on breezily as if he wasn't there, he can only suck the joy out of you if you let him. Spring is here - count the days til you can celebrate your decree absolute.

jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 20:16:35

It can't come soon enough. March 2015 I started proceedings.
It's hard to rise above it when it affects what I want to do.

What sort of things is he preventing you from doing? I'm sure the collective wisdom of mn could come of with some strategies ?

Up!

jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 22:00:34

He prevents me:

Planning my days.
Being able to organise child care and logistics of collecting etc.
Having days out with our sons or things I want to do.
Visiting family.

This is just current stuff. I gave up having people visit us years ago.

It is not as easy as just standing up to him, not with EA.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 25-Mar-16 22:28:22

How can he prevent you 'planning your days'? Are you reliant on him for childcare and the 'logistics of collecting' etc?

In any event, why can't you simply take your dc out for a day or visit/stay with your family?

jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 23:04:14

I am reliant on our one car to do school runs. He is using this as a form of control.

I have a full time job, my leave is obviously limited and he stands in my way as much as he can. I do sometimes just inform him I am doing such and such with the boys and it happens, but other times he'll do things just to piss me off e.g. if I have something planned with our older son which requires stbx to mind our younger son, he'll often make things very difficult or not get back in time or make it be known he's pissed off by throwing some form of verbal abuse at me.
Or like today...just ignore me.

I am not really looking for solution - my divorce is that.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Fri 25-Mar-16 23:25:12

Is buying your own car an option?

jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 23:43:55

I could but it would be a sign that he's got one over on me. The car is in my name and will be mine when we get financial settlement, so he needs to buy one for himself. He knows that but is delaying as much as possible.

jellybean2000 Fri 25-Mar-16 23:45:25

Both my solicitor and my women's aid outreach worker tell me I just need to take the keys off him and/or take him off the insurance, but it's not that simple.

rainbowstardrops Fri 25-Mar-16 23:48:39

I'm assuming it's not an option to just move you and the kids to a different house/ life away from him?

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 00:01:20

You assume right/

bialystockandbloom Sat 26-Mar-16 00:24:22

He sounds like a pathetic twat and you are well rid!

Can you minimise the reliance on him as much as possible? I'm sure you are doing already, but eg finding alternative childcare for one dc if you need to take the other somewhere. Use taxis if he doesn't turn up with the car? Organise sleepovers for dc if you need to go out? Probably teaching grandmother to suck eggs here, sorry. But my sympathies to you for having to deal with such a child. You must be counting the days till he's gone!

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Mar-16 03:47:38

I went through this, and my advice would be to never make him plan A or even Plan B for that matter.

It's good as a single mother to establish a support network, start doing it now.

Take him out of the equation completely. So if he didn't exist who would look after younger DC? Arrange like that.

Remove the attention from the big man child because that's what it is... Attention seeking. I just think of my ex like a little toddler stamping his feet and tugging on his penis...grin

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 06:24:21

I do try and arrange as if I don't need him. Then this happens:

He says he's taking car. I book taxi to collect DS2 having tried and failed to arrange lift, I arrange lift for DS1 for Beaver event.
He then doesn't take car (probably thinking he's doing me great favour).
I cancel taxi (don't have the £ to just use taxi unnecessary) and tell friend taking DS2 that in fact I do have car (she would see it when picking up) but could she still take DS2.

Messing with my head.

He's an arse. Had pest control appt, they arrived and called. He HUNG UP on them. I get home to snotty note from council and will have to pay call out.

I am becoming unhinged. I called the council and bloody cried down the phone when I explained what happened.

I told cashier in M&S that I was buying new socks because my STBX keeps stealing mine and ruining them.

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 06:27:14

I need my car to take him out of equation. I can manage perfectly fine (better) w/o him.

I have good friends in my village, but I don't want to abuse their kindness. The ones I am asking favours of know I am divorcing but only a couple of them know why.

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 06:28:09

Oh and DS1 is getting mighty fucked off with stream of lifts and taxis!

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 06:29:12

nb got my DSs muddled - you get the idea!

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 07:31:18

He told me he'd need the car today. He hasn't taken it. Not so bad today as I'm not working and kids off but FFS.

jellybean2000 Sat 26-Mar-16 07:47:23

He told me he'd need the car today. He hasn't taken it. Not so bad today as I'm not working and kids off but FFS.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Mar-16 08:12:25

I know you don't have excess money for taxis, but for the time being persevere, or he wins every time. Even if guilt finally permeates his thick and selfish skin, and he leaves the car, take the taxi as its like sticking up two fingers.

By relenting and taking the car, he still holds the power. Or does someone you know have a car you could borrow? Parents or other family member?

Don't worry about abusing friends kindness. I thought the same, but it's amazing how many people genuinely wanted to help. And how many saw through my STBXH long before I did.

Although I'd be tempted to play him at his own game and hide the keys to the car. Deny knowing their whereabouts, refuse to engage in questions or search and then find them down the sofa when you need to drive somewhere....

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Mar-16 08:14:55

By the way did I read that the car is in your name?

Then he needs to ask your permission to use it doesn't he?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now