Is there ANY way to be in a loving relationship with a narcissist?

[likeanarrow]

DP lurks here hence new name...

I read, for a good reason I know, about how many people have serious problems with their narcissist partners. I just wonder if anyone here has a good, loving relationship with this type of person ? If so, how? Do you live apart for example?

After three years of being in love with my DP and yet finding him extremely challenging, I have finally come to realise that he is a narcissist. He is selfish, critical and gets very wounded (overly so) when any flaw is revealed. Among many other things. But, and it's a big but, he's also very appealing to me - attractive, intellectual, often kind and funny. I've never felt so in love with a guy (I'm 45) but also never felt so worried about how to be in a relationship with a guy either?

I am at a point where we are talking about moving in together and I feel wary. I don't know if I can deal with him and his ways all the time. I'd love to share my life with him but don't want to lose myself in order to do that.

He has a son but is the NRP and I am so fond of him too. I can see how he is affected by his dad's ways and want to be there for him too.

Writing this down makes me feel very silly. I would tell a friend to walk away yet I find this so hard to consider for myself. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom?

[ChristinaParsons]

No. From experience. Because they will always put themselves first no matter what. I did it for 15 years. Loved him utterly but it was an awful relationship

[Liberated71]

No. Simple as.

[NorksAreMessy]

Why do you think staying together is a good idea?

[tipsytrifle]

I totally expect you to disregard this but fascination with someone is not love. Been there. Took awhile to shake my head and self-esteem back into play but when I did, y'know what? Didn't matter how witty, clever, informed, well-read and educated, even wise to some degree ... he was a dire individual, incapable of love and reciprocity while I was bursting with both. I saved myself before I lost myself.

[peaceoftheaction]

Well don't move in with him for starters. You're already trying to work out how to make the relationship work. He isn't, because he'll be thinking about himself basically, and it will just get worse and worse for you.
Having been there and got the t shirt I wouldn't do it again no way. It will erode your self esteem and just basically suck all the life out of you. When you actually need something from a narc they are not there. It is a one way street of a relationship.

[tipsytrifle]

How have you got to a point where you're talking about co-habitation when you already have these doubts? Maybe you need to slow your own mind right down and not be led somewhere your heart already knows is wrong.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

This is not an equal relationship. If he is a true Narc this whole 'relastionship' will be about his needs and you will be thrown a few tit bits every now and again to keep you intrested.

A true Narc can never ever love anybody more than themselves. Any acts of kindness or generosity always has strings or is of some benifit to them selfs.

Are you that desperate to continue a relationship with a man you suspect to be a Narc, who will completly mess your head up and gas light you till the cows come home?

Your a fool if you are.

[likeanarrow]

I hear you all. Very good points and like you're reading part of my mind.

It feels like love but I see what you're saying about fascination... I have all these warning signs but feel so utterly in love with him.

I guess, in part, I feel I understand why he is the way he is and so feel sorry for him (very traumatic childhood and I work in mental health), I feel afraid to end it and be on my own and I want to be there for his DS. Lame really, huh?

[Muskey]

My sister is married to a narc. He has changed my sister so she is almost unrecognisable and has destroyed the lives of his two dc. He will never change and whatever reason my sister will never leave him. Please don't let this happen to you. They don't change

[Aussiebean]

How is he kind?

Is he kind in a way that doesn't benefit him in any way?

Or will he expect you to do something in return? Will it be thrown back in your face at a later time? Will he be telling people how great he was?

If you live your life solely for his interest and along his path, it will be fine.

But, disagree or want to do something for yourself (especially where he might have to give something up) then no. You can't.

[NettleTea]

maybe he has had an awful childhood - that probably IS why he is the way he is, but rather than you make excuses for him based upon that information, ask yourself what HE is doing to heal from the damage that has been done - that is voluntarily, not as some kind of 'hook' to keep you involved. Reality is, narcs will almost never have therapy, unless it buys into their own agenda or is a way of getting more attention. Actually scrub that - there are lots of narcs who spend forever in therapy, but because they enjoy the process rather than they actually see that they need to change anything about themselves - more often its to point the finger at others and blame them for it all.

And yes, you can have a relationship. If you are willing to sacrifice yourself at the steps of his alter. So long as you are happy to accept the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life, once the novelty of getting you to play housemaiden has worn off, because he doesnt have you where he wants you yet, so he is still on the charm offensive, love bombing you and sucking you in. So long as you never want to have anything for yourself - any career or success of your own, because that will make him feel jealous and insecure and he will destroy it. You see how his child is affected. That will be you 100 times over. You cant act as the buffer for his child - you can only let his mum know what you see. You may think you have insight, that you 'know' the devil and what to watch out for, but you aint seen nothing yet, and probably WONT see it happening until its all too late.

So yes, you can have a relationship, but it will never, ever be a healthy loving or good one.

And BTW why is he hanging on Mumsnet?? just out of interest

[NettleTea]

also a narc CAN do nice stuff, but its usually only to get something, or because it makes them feel good about doing it. So a narc may make a big donation, or do some great thing for charity, but its because it makes them feel that they are really great, and other people can be told how great they are for doing it, but they care not one jot about the recipients of the charity. In fact, if the recipients are OTT grateful the narc is likely to turn on them with absolute venom.

[tipsytrifle]

Please listen to your deepest warning signs. They are true. Anything to do with love is by and large - and it galls me to say so - created/effected by expectation and over-optimistic definitions of that tingly feeling.

Tingly feelings, I realised many years later, were actually fear, not positive excitement. I won't bore you with the various denouements that occurred because I couldn't tell the bad butterflies from the good ones. Hint there were no good butterflies.

Listen to your Self no matter what the consequences.

[likeanarrow]

What you say, tipsy, it frightens me it's so apt and I hadn't thought about it like that. Oh b@gger, I'm going to have to face up to the reality of this, aren't I? It makes me so sad and my heart breaks for that little boy.

DP lurks here as he secretly (he thinks) keeps an eye on an ex of his who posts here. I have warned her.

[springydaffs]

Dear God. You are truly INSANE to consider this.

Melt your head - yes. And your heart. And your soul. You may as well move in with the devil.

Narcs are DARK. They are not passive. They actively destroy.

As for feeling so sorry for him: yeah, you will be swallowed up in that vast pit and you'll be crushed by it. I tell you, you are not bigger than it. You are no contest whatsoever. Not only won't you make a dent, you'll be ground to dust. I'm not exaggerating! Ask me how I know this.

Get to coda; read up about codependency. Don't think you know what it is. You have enough to be getting on with with your issues tbh.

[springydaffs]

Sorry, that sounded aggressive. Not meant aggressively. Codependent here. 'Felt sorry' for narc ex. Married him. Got out alive (just) eventually but it was a close thing. No violence.

So I'm not pointing fingers here.

[spanky2]

No. Run as fast as you can. Narcs consume any healthy person they are with. Save yourself. Never have a child with this man. I have a narc for a mother. It nearly destroyed me. I don't know how I survived my childhood.

[Backtoblackcoffee]

How do you know he is a narc? I think it's used a bit too much on MN at the moment? You might not just be compatible?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

No loving relationship is possible here, as love involves mutual respect and well-wishing, and narcs don't do that.

A co dependent relationship is possible, though. But that's not love and it's not healthy.

[Yseulte]

How do you define 'narcissist' OP? What does it mean to you?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Are you prepared to prostrate yourself at the base of the pedestal your clay footed idol has created for himself? Are you willing to embrace his faith in himself as a being that can do no wrong and flagellate yourself when, according to his tenets, you are found to be in error?

Are you willing to sublimate yourself to his every desire and to do so with no possibility that your sacrifice will be recognised by him?

As springy has said, you'll be eaten alive. You'll also be spat out frequently along with those various other dummies that fail to agree with him from time to time.

What's worrying is that you're already more than halfway to worshipping him and I have serious doubt that you'll have the strength of mind to resist joining his cult and will be forever doomed to dancing attendance on him while begging for crumbs from his table.

Please know that any promises he may make to you will only be fulfilled if they happen to coincide with what he wants to do at any given time as his wishes are paramount, and always will be for he is the power and the glory etc and woe betide anyone who dares to question his self-professed and self-sustained ominipotence.

[MistressDeeCee]

No way would I move in with a Narc. I spent 7 years with one and could kick myself that I didnt walk away after 1 year. "Attractive, intellectual, often kind and funny" yes thats how they rope you in, and then you hang around after they've revealed their true face because the man you knew initially, you want him back. When they think you're going to walk out, you'll get flashes of kind and funny etc but it doesn't last. Selfish, egotistical, over-prideful, scornful, always have to "win". They secretly and slyly destroy your reputation to others (there are always others who also view the Narc as attractive, intellectual, kind and funny), and then they aim to destroy you. Death by a thousand knives n all that. Even when I left him I thought about him for years afterwards, they can be very charming, are normally very handsome, and thats part of the pull you feel.

I run a mile from any Narc tendencies now, being with one is like being bled dry. You are only useful to them if you submerge your personality into theirs - so they can scorn you and be disdainful of you. They never take your feelings about anything at all into account. Its a rotten life. They're empty inside so have nothing to give to you or share with you

He keeps an eye on his ex? Not surprised. Especially if she was the one who walked out, he will hate her forever. But if he ever got the chance, even if he is with you he will get close to her again and then idolise her, setting her up for a fall. Narcs never forget, they thrive on revenge. Id say get out, and be alert to anything he may try because they are extremely spiteful.

goddessofsmallthings is on point

[DioneTheDiabolist]

There is no way of being in a loving relationship with a narc. No amount of love in the world can fill a narc's need.

If you have no children. Walk away OP. Because loving a narc is the road to no town.

[groovergirl]

If you really do fancy him to distraction, keep him as a casual boyfriend for a year or so. Go out, have fun with him and the DS, then go home to your own life.

Basic rules for dealing with narcs: Shag them senseless, but do not move in with them, do not do their housework, do not lend them money, do not marry them and do not have children with them. Never, ever tell them that you love them and want a life together. A narc must be kept at arm's length, psychologically speaking.

Let the love affair run its tantalising course. No need to make it permanent.