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Should I get involved?

(10 Posts)
ThunderwingDoomslayer Fri 25-Mar-16 16:06:51

I need impartial advice, I am shaking with anger and I feel sick. I hope my post doesn't come out too garbled.

In a nutshell: my dad is having an affair. I knew that there had been an affair a few years ago, but thought it had ended, and I didn't get involved (I thought it was posssible my mum actually knew and that she had decided to stay with my dad, as from the outside their relationship seemed better than it had been).

There is rather a long story leading up to me posting today, so I'll do my best. 2.5 years ago my sister approached me having discovered our dad was messaging and meeting up with an old friend of his. No doubt that it was an affair. She found out when she used the family computer (she is mid-twenties living back home with mum and dad) and facebook messenger was left logged in and literally open in front of her. She looked through lots of messages having seen blatant evidence, and felt awful for having 'snooped', but she couldn't un-see things by this point. By the time DSis spoke to me, it was evident that my dad had told this OW that he did not want to continue seeing her, but I think they parted amicably - they go way back and have mutual friends. Messages were exchanged and there was no mention of any more meetings after this, although with hindsight, I see that maintaining any form of contact and the fact that the affair wasn't exposed (?) was a recipe for disaster.

When I found out about all of this, I was, without exaggeration, devastated. I was so angry on behalf of my mum, I felt like everything was built on lies and that I'd never really known my dad. I shut down and kept this all to myself, I didn't even tell my husband. DH obviously knew something was very wrong, and he may have put 2 and 2 together I don't know, but he respected that I felt I couldn't talk about it. I spoke to him about all of this at a much (much, as in only a few months ago) later dateand I resent the fact that my dad's appalling behaviour impacted on my own relationship like this.

Anyway, I have now discovered that my dad and OW seem to have picked up where they left off. I found out when I used my dad's ipad and saw that he was messaging OW again. And I didn't intend to 'snoop', my dad is not private with his ipad, I had intended to google something on it. He's not even fucking discreet! Urghhh!

I just feel a bit lost right now. WWYD?

Annarose2014 Fri 25-Mar-16 16:14:28

If it were me I'd tell my mum.

However after that I'd leave it up to her. Her monkey, her circus. Her choice.

I expect my relationship with my Dad would become distant for a time.

I see no gain in confronting your Dad.

This time, tell your DH for God's sake. Only you were the one letting it affect your relationship by shutting him out of something that was devastating you. Your Dad didn't do that - you did.

ThunderwingDoomslayer Fri 25-Mar-16 16:18:49

Yes I totally agree that I caused the issue in my own relationship, I don't think that came across in my op. I don't intend to keep anything from DH this time (or in future) and will be talking to him later. Incidentally he is out with my dad and DD right now. I wish this wasn't happening.

ThunderwingDoomslayer Fri 25-Mar-16 17:22:28

Ok I can't talk to DH about this until after kids are in bed tonight. In the mean time, does anyone have any experience of being in this situation?

I am struggling to think about how I can possibly go about telling my mum about this. I know she wouldn't shoot the messenger, so to speak. I have a small baby who I doesn't take a bottle, so the practicalities are something to consider too. I would feel bad asking DSis to have this talk on my behalf. I will have to talk to dsis about this but part of me feels like it would be kinder to keep it to a 'I'm just giving you a heads up about what I've found out, and that I'll be talking to mum' so as to take the pressure off her, as dsis has had MH issues in the past and found this situation quite paralyzing previously, for want of a better word.

Anyone?

Joysmum Fri 25-Mar-16 17:23:53

I would tell my dad I (and my sister) knew and that I was giving him 2 days to tell your mum before you did.

seasideview Fri 25-Mar-16 17:27:45

Yes what Joysmum said.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 25-Mar-16 17:27:50

In your shoes I would approach your father simply because this is the second time you have found out and didn't tell her the first time so that might be hard to explain to her.

Tell your father everything and give him a timeframe to come clean.

Sorry you are going through this flowers

Annarose2014 Fri 25-Mar-16 17:28:48

I respectfully disagree. All that would do was give him 2 days to hide evidence and come up with bullshit excuses why you're clearly mad and paranoid and only upsetting everyone.

Meanwhile you're up to your neck in it for 2 days. And at the end of it you're more tortured than ever and still have to tell your mum!

ThunderwingDoomslayer Fri 25-Mar-16 17:42:30

I know this sounds counterintuitive but my instinct is that my dad would not manipulate this to make me out to be the enemy here. Although I was devastated when I found out he had cheated on my mum, part of me was not surprised on some level. I had always just hoped that my fear of him doing this was unfounded, if that makes sense. So somewhere along the line I must have thought him capable. I don't think he is capable of turning it on me.

I think speaking to him and leaving him a few days to come clean may be a good way forward. Well, not good. None of this is good. And he won't be 'coming clean' either, really, as he'll have been pushed in to it.

In a way its good that I'm currently on mat leave and so am very available to support mum. I just feel so sad.

HeadTilt Fri 25-Mar-16 19:14:01

I'm going to disagree slightly.

I'd make your a Dad aware that you know. That is it.

He has made it your business by being indiscreet, but beyond that you are better off not being involved in your parents' relationship. I speak from experience.

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