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Partner of four years refused to go on birth certificate.

(85 Posts)
FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 11:56:21

It is kind of a long story but in short, it was a surprise pregnancy - failed pill, he didn't want the baby so I was getting ready to leave, he changed his mind and i stayed so now she is a month old. He seems to love her but looks unhappy.

We went to register the birth and at the door he told me he wasn't coming in and drove away so I went and registered her alone in tears. I wanted to give her my last name which could have been part of the problem.

we had such a brilliant relationship and it's been difficult but I was hoping we would get it back at some point in the future.

I'm flat hunting again but I don't feel like the ideal tenant on mat leave and looking into housing benefit.

I should leave shouldn't I? Has this happened to anyone else ever? He was always so lovely and we had a good time together. But I feel like I'll alway have that moment when he just left me to so that on my own and have to leave he father section blank after four years together.

something2say Fri 25-Mar-16 12:05:14

It's a big thing isn't it, for him to have done. I guess he didn't want the baby and may be feeling trapped. He should have said, but you wanted her (bless her and congrats btw xxx).

I am sorry you're going through this. Not ideal and as you say, after four years of marriage. He seems to be showing his feelings tho, which are that he is not invested in his daughter and doesn't even want to be acknowledged as her father, poor little mite xxxx

something2say Fri 25-Mar-16 12:05:31

Sorry, partnership not marriage.

hippydippybaloney Fri 25-Mar-16 12:07:29

Congrats!

I would hazard a guess he thinks he will get out of paying maintenance by doing that

FreeSpirit89 Fri 25-Mar-16 12:08:54

I'd leave personally.

I expect he thinks it'll get him out of paying maintenance for his daughter. Congratulations on your new baby.

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 12:09:59

Thank you, she's demanding but a cutie x yeah I have to go. I was thinking one day maybe we would be ok but it's over makes me so sad.

EllaHen Fri 25-Mar-16 12:11:22

My dd has a blank space where father's name should go. Ten years down the line and I'm glad. Actually, I was glad at the time.

Mine is a different story but it is always better to go alone than to stay with someone who doesn't want to be in the relationship.

EllaHen Fri 25-Mar-16 12:12:19

Please say that you did indeed give her your name.

ladylambkin Fri 25-Mar-16 12:16:35

Congratulations! Sorry you have gone through this. Just because he isn't on the birth certificate won't stop any child maintenance that is due only a negative DNA test would do that. I'm not saying that's the case here ... just letting you know he is still liable to provide for his child.

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 12:25:34

I did give her my last name smile I think it was the right decision too. She's definitely his I wouldn't like to go through court to prove it but would if I had to. As I understand it, it just means I don't have to ask his permission for choices I make for her.

wallywobbles Fri 25-Mar-16 12:30:55

I can only see long term positives to this. He has no parental responsibility so can't stop you doing anything like moving, schools etc. and he will still have to pay towards her up keep. I greatly regret not doing this with my kids.

Be thankful and yes this is the end I'm afraid. There's no doubt he's shown you who he really is.

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 12:42:55

Thank you x I feel pretty terrible now but hopefully I'll get a place quickly and move on

EllaHen Fri 25-Mar-16 14:40:28

Frizzy - you will feel stronger and stronger as time goes on. You've just had a baby so be kind to yourself and hopefully soon you will feel that lovely sense of liberation that breaking free from a loser brings.

By the way, dd is incredibly proud to have my surname.

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 14:57:07

Thank you Ella im glad I posted it's been going round in my head and sending me a bit mad. It was good to write it down and get such kind answers xxx

bjrce Fri 25-Mar-16 16:54:50

OP,

That's so sad to let you down in such a way.

Has this only happened today?

Have you spoken to him since he drove off?

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 17:25:38

Not about that I think we're both pretending nothing happened. If I bring it up I'll cry and he has his son here now (whose bc he is named on) it was yesterday afternoon it happened. It's been round and round my head ever since. I think it should be him who brings it up to be honest. I've tried to make it easy for him as I can. He's not changed any nappies and sleeps on the sofa bed so he's not disturbed at night. He did the shopping while he was on paternity leave but mostly chilled out. He plays with her while I'm getting stuff to eat or a shower and hasn't had to do much dirty work or spend much money. I've felt guilty the whole time because she was unplanned but I wish he had agreed that I should leave rather than saying he wanted to give it a try.

ZenNudist Fri 25-Mar-16 17:33:45

It sounds like you're gearing up to just walk quietly away. I suppose it's got its advantages. Dignity, less stress all round, less bitterness hopefully in the long run. If he just rolls over and provides the financial support you need then it would be ok but I suspect you will have to 'fight' for this at some point.

How strong are you feeling? Can you ask him what he thinks is going to happen now? He's made his position clear I think it's best for you and your dd to get some space from this man.

Sorry this is happening.

Atenco Fri 25-Mar-16 17:39:53

Sorry that he did this to you and it must be very upsetting, however it is brilliant not to have to deal with someone else having parental rights over your child. As others pointed out, he will still have to pay maintenance and you can encourage and facility his relationship with your baby, but if you ever have reason to believe that he is not acting in your child's best interests, you can put a stop to things.

starry0ne Fri 25-Mar-16 17:45:12

It sounds an awful time to drop it on you...

I think even if he changed his mind you now will never know which way he is going to jump...The fact he has done so little suggests he isn't caring about you at all or your DD...

Do make sure you get everything you are entitled too.. I would also get his NI number if you can before you leave..It makes it easier for CMS.

Yes it will long term give you more freedom how to raise your DD.

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 17:50:12

I suppose he's done me a favour but just went about it in a cruel way.

Yeah I'm pretty much going to find a place and go. The alternative was to try to save it because we were so good together before. That wouldn't be fair on any of us though.

HeddaGarbled Fri 25-Mar-16 17:50:18

It seems like you are "taking the blame" for getting pregnant and allowing him to get away with really bad behaviour because you feel guilty.

But it was a contraceptive failure. You did not steal his sperm! How dare he "punish" you for having his child, because that is what he is doing.

You can't live the rest of your life allowing him to opt out of fatherhood and leave all the parenting to you. Lazy, nasty, unkind man.

Pinkheart5915 Fri 25-Mar-16 17:51:10

I suspect he thinks not being on it will stop him paying Maintence for the baby, the sorry excuse for man!
The point is the birth certificate she will see one day and wonder why he isn't named.
You can't force him I guess if his made his choice. Sorry your in this situation

Congratulation on your baby girl flowers

Pinkheart5915 Fri 25-Mar-16 17:52:01

Well said heddagarbled

FrizzyNoodles Fri 25-Mar-16 17:53:49

I will. I hadn't thought about getting his ni number or anything like that. It would've been much easier to flathunt before she was born rather than take a breast fed on demand baby with me to viewings..

I don't think I'd trust him if he changed his mind there would always be the doubt

QuiteLikely5 Fri 25-Mar-16 17:55:20

Sounds like he has MASSIVE resentment towards you and as they say resentment is akin to drinking your own poison.

Either way it doesn't bode well for the future.

Sorry you are going through this you both took a chance but so far it's not paid off flowers

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