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Husband puts no effort in 2 our marriage

(22 Posts)
Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:12:57

I'm getting really fed up with my husband I feel like he lives in his own world he puts no effort at all in 2 our relationship! It was my birthday recently and he didn't get me anything he actually forgot about it, I didn't remind him to see how long it would take him, he only rememberd when he saw people wishing me happy birthday on Facebook! He didn't get me anything for mothers day either, I just want 2 feel appreciated I'm not asking for him 2 spend loads of money on me, even a cheap bunch of flowers from asda would do! He never shows me much physical contact unless he looking for sex or something else. He works all week and he likes 2 have a drink on a sat night which I don't mind (I don't really drink unless I'm going somewhere). But my problem is I'd like us 2 do things together an odd weekend, maybe go 2 the cinema or out 2 eat. Its just always about him all the time I moved away from my hometown 2 be with him and I feel like I get no thanks for it. We recently had a baby and we have another boy who's 6, I know its not always easy 2 make time for each other when u have kids but I just feel like I'm putting all the effort in 2 this relationship and getting nothing in return. He does always say he loves me but his actions don't match his words, some days (like today) I feel like leaving him but I've nowhere else 2 go with 2 kids! Plus deep down I do love him and I know he loves me. I just wish he'd get his act together.I've talked 2 him about this so many times and he always says he'll change but he never does. What more can I do??

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:15:43

You can make plans to leave OP, this won't magically change by itself and you have talked to him time and time again and nothing changes.

I'd be making arrangements to separate tbh, I couldn't contemplate my future with someone who had such little regard for me and my feelings, actions definitely speak louder than words.

Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:43:01

I always think about leaving but its just not that easy especially when kids r involved. My son is mad about his dad and I know he'd be devastated. Plus if I was 2 leave I'd have 2 go back 2 my home town and that would mean changing my son school, I couldn't do that 2 him. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do I just feel stuck in this situation and there's nothing I can do about it. this is not the life I've always imagined for myself 😢

BarbarianMum Thu 24-Mar-16 16:47:36

You can't stay in a miserable marriage and then say you are doing it 'for your son'. That's a totally unfair responsibility to place on his shoulders (OK, of course you wouldn't put it like that now but that will be what he realises as he grows up).

Why would you need to move back to your home town? Would it be such a bad thing if you did? Changing schools age 6 isn't such a big deal. Divorcing parents is, of corse, a big deal but that doesn't mean its not the least bad option.

Or, you can try to fix it. As you've talked before and nothings come of it, what about relate or somesuch?

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 16:53:37

Why can't he move out locally into a room then.

He can continue to co parent with you, the kids don't have to be devastated if you put it to them in a way that sound understandable.

Or else, carry on OP, wasting your life on a man who can't even share his life with you.

Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 17:07:58

The thing is he's not a bad person he just needs a good kick up the backside! All I was really looking for was advice on how 2 get through 2 him.I don't really want 2 leave him deep down. He's my husband and father 2 my kids

BarbarianMum Thu 24-Mar-16 17:18:18

OK, then think about whether it is communiction that's the issue (do you and does he know what you want him to do differently) or is it disrespect (he understands what you want but can't be arsed).

If it is the second, then what are the consequences for him of not being arsed. Could you introduce some?

So, for example, if he won't help round the house you could stop doing his washing/ironing/cooking for him. He doesn't make an effort on your birthday, you ignore his (and plan yourself a big day out on your next birthday leaving him to look after the kids).

Or what about a trial separation? You can only fix things if he wants to fix them too.

BarbarianMum Thu 24-Mar-16 17:19:25

Oh and being lazy and treating your partner badly is a bit lot being a bad person.

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 17:22:16

You shouldn't have to kick someone up the arse to get them to notice you. I've been with my partner 14 years and it's the thoughtful things he does that makes me love him, you must struggle with a partner that is showing you no affection etc.

You've tried talking to him several times, the only other option I can see is joint counselling.

RandomMess Thu 24-Mar-16 17:26:40

TBH the thing that will kick him into actions is to leave, for him to see that you have it planned and are prepared to go through with it...

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 17:27:55

I think so too, maybe that is the `kick` you think he needs.

Suspect Thu 24-Mar-16 17:58:05

Why do most people say to leave your partner when there's a bump in the road.

He sounds totally distracted. Is he depressed about anything? The only way to change things is to be proactive. Sounds like he's got a little too comfortable.

Jan45 Thu 24-Mar-16 18:11:27

Creating some distance between them might be her only choice Suspect, not saying it has to be permanent!

I've talked 2 him about this so many times and he always says he'll change but he never does. What more can I do??

If you talk and talk and your partner is unresponsive then this is the next step I'd say - there's nothing more soul destroying than someone not listening to you or listening but doing fuck all about the situation.

BarbarianMum Thu 24-Mar-16 18:14:07

Because Suspect many people think there are worse things than divorce - like becoming more and more bitter in a relationship in which you are totally taken for granted.

OP can of course (and has already tried to) talk to her dh to try and affect change. Maybe it will work but she may just become more and more resentful over time.

My mum is separating from my dad this year. She's in her 70s, he's in his 80s. This is the culmination of nigh on 40 years of selfish behaviour and lack of respect on his part. I can't help thinking what a better life she could have had if she'd left years ago.

Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 19:41:42

I think you've hit the nail on the head suspect, he's got too comfortable and that's partly my fault for letting him away with it. He wasn't always like this, reading my first post your first reaction would naturally be "leave him " I'd think the same if I was a stranger reading this but there's a lot more 2 this situation. Barbarian mum I can relate 2 ur situation too, my dad was always a very dominant person in our house he treated my mum like crap for years with his mental abuse but shes still with him she's never had the courage 2 leave, I always think if she did she would of had a better life. My relationship with my husband is nothing like that if anything I'd say I wear the trousers, he's just so easy going it gets on my nerves maybe we're just not a good match, he's laid back, lazy, over sensitive. Whereas I'm fiery, ambitious. my attitude is if u want something u have 2 go get it. But despite all this I do love him and like I said I know he loves me. Maybe marriage counciling is the answer

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 24-Mar-16 19:55:20

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet here?. Think about those questions carefully, you owe your own self that much.

Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your children; what do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. Would you want your son as an adult to model the relationship you now have?.

You cannot stay purely for these children and doing that simply teaches them that a loveless marriage is their "norm" too. Its a really unfair burden to place on a child.

Do you love him or is your love for him really based on an unhealthy co-dependency?.

What if as likely, he refuses to attend any counselling sessions?. If so I would attend these on your own, you need to be able to talk freely in a calm and controlled environment.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 24-Mar-16 19:57:07

"But despite all this I do love him and like I said I know he loves me".

How does he show you that he loves you by both word and deed?. You stating "I know he loves me" is supposition and not based on facts as they are now.

MatildaTheCat Thu 24-Mar-16 20:19:11

Does he care about birthdays etc for himself? Some people really aren't fussed. Having said that you do care so he needs to shape up.

I'm not one to sit and hope been there, done that, so I give plenty of warning and heavy hints. ' Do you need any ideas for my birthday?' 'You haven't forgotten it's MD have you? I'm really looking forward to a card and a family day'.

If you feel like he's really taken the piss tell him in words of one syllable that you are hurt and upset and he needs to sort himself out.

Having said all of that you can also arrange trips out and events to do stuff together. You are both probably knackered and have a small baby so probably for the time being keep it real but the main thing here is communication and I'm guessing you are both at fault here. No good sitting feeling sad and dejected, you have to tell him.

Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:24:53

I ask my husband those exact words sometimes "what am I getting out of this marriage?" He can't really answer me! He sent me a text message from work today this is it word for word "sorry for being a dick/bad husband sometimes. I'm really sorry and I mean it, u deserve better. I need 2 wake up I live in a world of my own sometimes. I'll get better I promise. I don't mean 2 do it. I love and adore u with all my heart".

Gems16 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:38:38

Your right Matilda the cat. I suppose I'm prob feeling sorry for myself, I have an awful habit of comparing our relationship 2 other couples. We do both need 2 communicate better, I'm guilty of playing mind games with him I didn't tell him my birthday was coming up just 2 c if he would remember, I really should tell him exactly what it is I want. I guess I just live in hope that I shouldn't have to!

Jan45 Fri 25-Mar-16 12:54:55

You are now backtracking on your initial post OP and him saying sorry and how much he loves you doesn't really change the status quo.

You are not in the wrong to want a partner that wants to share his life with you and do things as a couple, that's how it's meant to be.

Unless you both make the time and effort (him in other words), you'll be back on here in a couple of months time.

Just because he says sorry you should not sweep it under the carpet like you've probably been doing, the problem is still there.

pocketsaviour Fri 25-Mar-16 14:40:37

I would approach this as if he's a failing employee and you're deciding if he deserves another chance not to lose his job marriage.

Ask him, "What, exactly, are you going to do differently from now on?"

"I'll try harder" is not acceptable here. Try harder at what, precisely?

What you are looking for here is commitment from him to a specific, measurable course of actions. Certainly he can ask you to make some changes too if they are for the good of the marriage (not just to give him an easier life!) But he has to step up to the plate here and do actual things, not just sit there going "Oh blah blah, I'm such a baaaaad husband, sorry about that, I love you , honest, now shut the fuck up."

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