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loving yourself again

(14 Posts)
InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 14:06:55

I fret. I imagine all sorts.

When, if you can recall, did your appearance click with you?

I dunno, I used to think I was passable enough (up until 15 years ago when I met now ex DH)

Now I'm 40 and struggling to like myself. I'm am permanently disappointed when I look in the mirror.

Our marriage was highly stressful and we were/are ridiculously incompatible.

He stopped having sex early into our marriage telling me I'd let myself go ; then decided it was because he resented losing is freedom.

In a lot of ways he was and is pretty passive aggressive and cruel. I've been told I'm too soft and conscientious for my own good by others. Match made in hell!!

I'm trying to establish new boundaries in the wake of the failure of my marriage. I know beauty is only skin deep however I feel I look so horrendous and fat; that I'll never be loved.

I've lost weight and am wearing more make- up but still think I look like a man.

It's breaking my heart.

Marchate Wed 23-Mar-16 14:10:37

Have you spoken to your GP about this? Do you think you might be depressed?

That ex has certainly messed with your mind

pocketsaviour Wed 23-Mar-16 14:15:39

Being in a relationship where you are continually exposed to the drip drip drip of someone not fancying you is corrosive to the soul. Which is why I always advise people to leave sexless marriages.

Unless your appearance has radically changed since you got with your ex, it sounds like you have taken on his opinion of you as your own.

What do your friends and family say? Is it a grooming issue, can you wear different things, maybe have your colours done or a makeup lesson? (I recently did this and it's really improved my confidence.)

Are you genuinely overweight, i.e. to a point where its affecting your health and fitness, or are you just a different shape to a catwalk model?

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 15:00:55

I'm significantly overweight yes. My friends tell me I'm beautiful strong funny and fun and a great listener.

I am on 225mg of Venlaxafine daily. For anxiety & depression. Two years and counting. Been on anti-ds for best part of 12 years.

I've had CBT - had great successes with that. Managed to get a higher paid job 6 months ago but have felt alone in it too.

Reading this I sound like such a baby. I don't know how to meet people, flirt. I wouldn't be able to tell if someone likes me or not.

My heart is sad, if that makes sense?

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 15:02:25

I think I need a haircut & go blonde again (always lifts me) .....

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 15:28:44

Bumping..... Bit desperate for advice

Marchate Wed 23-Mar-16 16:05:49

If a change of hair style makes you feel good, even temporarily, do it!

Did the CBT stop? Could you go back?

pocketsaviour Wed 23-Mar-16 17:52:34

Interesting that you needed anti-d's about a year after meeting your ex. Have a think about that...

sarahlou75 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:00:54

I think (and I may get flamed for this!) but often the way we feel about how we look is related to the way we feel about ourselves.
Try taking the pressure off the external and focus on something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Invest some time in a new hobby, class, whatever floats your boat!
Dye your hair, buy a new outfit and socialise with some friends.
Good luck flowers

RedMapleLeaf Wed 23-Mar-16 18:09:41

Would it help to treat your body in the same way as you would someone you really, really cared for? I'm thinking along the lines of using a body moisturiser after showering, and using it mindfully. You could practice talking to yourself with compassion "thank you feet for carrying me through yesterday... Ankles, you are beautiful... I love my new haircut etc".

Actually that sounds a bit bonkers.

In fact, I'd recommend Mindfulness in general, especially as you seem to be going through a bit of a turbulent, self-critical period.

Were you brought up to take care of your clothes and appearance?

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Mar-16 19:06:25

I have no doubt you look nothing like a man and suggest you use the CBT techniques you've learned to stamp on any negative self-images that come into your head.

As for your heart, expand your field of vision, take a look at what's going on around world, and what others have to contend with at home and abroad, and you may see that yours should be full of nothing but gladness for the safe and comfortable life you have. It's so easy to constantly dwell on what we don't have, but counting our blessings can help us to appreciate that our lives are chock-full of opportunity and abundance.

I can be a very greedy little piggy and could write a book about comfort eating, but I naturally incline to the 5:2 fast diet in that after 2 or 3 days of feasting I'm crying out for a day or two of famine and I suggest you adopt this regime as losing 1 or 2lbs combined with 3 x half hour body toning sessions a week will minimise the saggy skin that can result from rapid weight loss.

I also think there's a lot to be said for having breakfast like a king, lunch like a lord, and dining like a pauper and I've long since trained myself out of snacking between meals. Shedding your excess lbs will give your self-esteem a huge boost - check out the 'Big/slim/whatever' topics on this site.

Investing in a Bobbi Brown makeup lesson and a good haircut and colour will transform your appearance, as will impeccable grooming and a wardrobe of stylish outfits and accessories to suit every occasion - this latter needn't bash a huge whole in your finances and investment dressing for work can result in increased funds. Click on 'Style and beauty' for hints, tips, ideas, opinions, and lots more.

Well done for getting a higher paid job but I'm not sure what you mean by feeling 'alone' in it My professional life is entirely separate from my private life and I rarely allow the two to intermingle. Some of those I've met through my work have become friends but I avoid socialising with my immediate colleagues. I readily participate in workplace banter/chatter but I don't regale anyone with tales of what I got up to at the weekend etc.

flowers Embrace life; grab it with both hands and live it to the full but, above all, embrace yourself as you've survived an abusive marriage and are now ideally placed to be your own best friend.

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 20:18:52

Wow thank you all!

I count my blessings daily and am generally pleased with my place in life as well as my wonderful children .

It's been a long road so I suppose I need to rein in my expectations of myself a good bit.

I can't remember if I was brought up to groom myself .... I suppose that means I wasn't. shock I was a comfort eater in late teens and would be confronted with a pile of empty packets on my bed (found by my mum)

She wasn't and still isn't demonstrative and is quick to tell us where we're going wrong. I think I married my mother I think.

It can't have been easy for her watching my stuff my face.

I think a personal shopping experience might be a good idea. I'm def in a rut. A PP mentioned mindfulness and another mentioned treating myself more kindly.

That's where the major disconnect is for me. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself. I don't have it in me.... Which is why I get upset

InstinctivelyITry Wed 23-Mar-16 20:26:30

I think this is my 'no way back - start losing weight ' time.

Honestly I could be much neater at work. Hem down, shoes needing polished, I could go on .........

Now that finances are eased somewhat I feel a small spending spree coming on smile

sarahlou75 Wed 23-Mar-16 22:41:08

Have fun!

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