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I think I've had an emotional affair.

(18 Posts)
BaBaBaBoomBoom Wed 23-Mar-16 13:17:40

Me and Dh very happily married.
I've recently had a flair up of anxiety and depression, and Dh struggles immensely to know how to help.
Some I know from church is also currently suffering from anxiety and depression, so we've been chatting a bit about it.
It really helped both of us to talk to the other about what's going on, and we managed to build each other up when we were feeling low.
However, on Monday We met up for the first time without our spouses and there was chemistry. Nothing happened, but we were both thinking about it.
I cut all contact yesterday, and said that we needed a lot of space from each other if we were going to continue to be friends, but my heart is hurting for the fact he's struggling and I've told him to leave me alone.

What on earth am I doing?

Xmasbaby11 Wed 23-Mar-16 13:21:16

Nothing has happened so you shouldn't feel guilty. I'd say you're right to take a step back and find different support for your anxiety and depression. It is hard because you obviously have a connection - but if there's sexism tension it's wiser to remove yourself from the situation.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 23-Mar-16 13:27:00

You have to done what you need to do, and what he needs, too.

The fact that your heart hurts is testament to that - and realistically, an affair won't help your anxiety any further.

In terms of missing him, there's not much you can do - you will miss him because you've bonded with him and once emotions are involved, logic becomes more difficult. Stop communications until those emotions are properly gone.

Could you teach your husband how to help you? What did this man do that was so different? That might stop you from looking elsewhere.

You absolutely need to stop this and you've done the right thing, but also, don't beat yourself up too much.

MrNoseybonk Wed 23-Mar-16 13:29:38

You haven't had an emotional affair, but you have prevented one from happening.
Well done.

BaBaBaBoomBoom Wed 23-Mar-16 13:43:45

I'm so glad you haven't just beaten me down, I was expecting to be flamed.
He just understands me. My Dh has never even really had a sad day, so when I'm lying in bed and can't even comprehend getting out of it and 'doing' the day, he thinks I'm lazy, and wallowing in my own misery. When I text this other guy he just gets it, he doesn't try to fix me, he just understands. Eurgh, I really want to talk to him but I know that I can't.

Joysmum Wed 23-Mar-16 13:49:33

I think this is a good warning signal.

Perhaps it's time to reassess your marriage and improve it if your DH is willing, or accept it as it is, or think about if this is what you want for your future.

Just be careful to try to put your marriage into context if you are currently on a low as that may colour your current feelings and moods.

MrNoseybonk Wed 23-Mar-16 13:53:29

Living with someone with depression and anxiety is tough. It can be difficult to "get" them, even when trying.
Maybe educate him about it? Take him along to your doctor's appointments about it?

BaBaBaBoomBoom Wed 23-Mar-16 14:10:08

My doctors aren't much help. Dh is really trying, but I think it's one of those things that you'll never fully get until you have it!
I've been trying to find some short articles that accurately explain the feelings of depression but I'm struggling.

LovePGtipsMonkey Wed 23-Mar-16 14:24:46

how is he 'really trying' if he thinks you are lazy despite your explanations? HOnestly, nowadays the info is everywhere, has he been living on the moon if he doesn't understand that it's an illness, not a choice! plenty of short articles online, I think the official sites like British Psychologists Association (or a similar name) has that, even possibly the NHS site.
Can you meanwhile turn to a female friend/relative for support?

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 25-Mar-16 23:18:21

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I think if you knew you are in a vulernable position,I think you should have sought support from the leadership in your Church - if it's a well established Church it will have the pastoral resources to help you and there will be females trained to deal with your circumstances.

Don't go looking for support in places where you might end up getting hurt and hurting others.

iseenodust Sat 26-Mar-16 10:46:30

"you should have sought support from the leadership in your church"

^^Strikes me as poor and judgemental advice. Support from a friend or an objective professional outside what will be a small community seems a far better option.

dumbshmuk Sat 26-Mar-16 15:12:08

Your a very smart and strong women and have done what many women don't in your situation. You stopped an emotional affair from turning into a physical affair. At least for now. You must have no contact with this man, no calls,texting ,emails, Facebook anything. if he is a coworker or anybody you have to see stuck seeing regularly thats bad. your going to have strong urges to contact him for about a month if you can resist after about a month it will feel like this fog has lifted over your head and your urges and feeling will diminish but it will take a couple more months of no contact to be really over him if you slip up you'll have to start the process over.I don't want to make this post long but i have a lot to bring up. Women tend to have affairs than a one night stand when they cheat. google: left my husband for another man and regret it or had affair want my husband back etc. you'll read many forums about it and its almost always the same it become cliche'. women's affairs start out as emotional before it becomes physical. women get addicted to the affair literally and can't see clearly while having them. I'm going to stop here about it. You need individual counseling for your depression. Its really a personal problem as opposed to a marriage problem. women try to find an external fix to their issues like their husband/bf who can't then have an affair really throw grenade to their relationship. You may want to tell your husband about your feelings for this guy. It will upset him and maybe scare him into marriage counseling but marriage counseling won't help with your depression. Seek individial counseling for your dpression. Many women with depression issues start affairs which seem like a quick fix at first, it doesn't last and quickly make their lives worse

dumbshmuk Sat 26-Mar-16 15:18:02

When i say counseling i'm not talking church. church is more concerned about keeping the marriage together than the individuals involved. although your church may know some good outside counselors for your depression and marriage too.

BaBaBaBoomBoom Sat 26-Mar-16 15:46:35

I think I really needed to hear that, thank you guys.
We started chatting a few days ago, and went out for a beer after a church group we go to, and the tension was thick in the air.
I really need to cut contact altogether, but it feels like it might be the straw that breaks my back on top of the depression and anxiety.
I'm going to have a look for some counselling now, and hopefully take it from there.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Mar-16 15:55:59

I think you have headed one off so you are to be commended for that. Don't beat yourself up further.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sat 26-Mar-16 16:25:56

Well. It's sad that my advice seems to come across poor. But to me it seems a sensible option, if OP find's it hard to confide in her female friends. Because not many females are understanding let alone keeping information confidential.
I am glad OP, you are trying to sort things out, counselling is great way to offload and share your feelings in a confidential and non threatening environment .

dumbshmuk Sat 26-Mar-16 17:08:34

I can't tell you enough what a Titan you are. Many women in your situation just run with it. Artificially knock down their partners to justify escalating things with the new man. What they(you)were experiencing is new relationship energy. Think about how you felt when you first started seeing your husband. This NRE stops them from seeing things clearly they think its true love, he gets me etc'. 3 variations happen: The husband finds out divorce looming now and wife realized other man really wasn't so great.
The wife leaves the husband for new man after a month starts to have doubts ,3 months later realizes new man isn't so great and husband wasn't so bad wants to come back.
Women continues affair(women are really good at keeping affairs secret for long periods of time) realized affair partner ins't so great is racked with guilt about cheating even thinks the other guy is a jerk but still can't stop cheating with him. and feel worse than ever before.
In all 3 cases long after the damage is done the women wishes she tried harder in her marriage, miss their husbands.

Momma4 Mon 08-Aug-16 20:53:52

I was in same boat. I was having an emotional affair and even though there were no feelings in my part there obviously were for the person in question. I took a step back from him for months and bumped into him in town. I truly regret the relationship and my husband is hurt terribly. I do suffer from anxiety and depression and on meds. I feel absolutely terrible (even though there was no sexual contact) I'm guilt ridden 😢

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