A wwyd from a very confused DW

[JellyJulie]

If you knew your H was lying to you about something he was supposed to have stopped doing how would you confront him if you don't have any hard proof.
Alternatively if you knew he was lying and you kept asking him to tell the truth but he didn't, do you put up and shut up or ask to spilt?

I think we are at the very point of splitting. And ideally I want to know the truth. Yet I know from reading threads on this board for the last 15 years that I'm unlikely to find that out.
He's supposed to have stopped messaging a girl on FB but I know he is still in contact with her. Now if it was as innocent as he claims it was when I first found out, why continue to lie about being in touch with her now.
That's the stumbling block for me right there.
Does anyone think he just wants something that can be just for him and for me not be part of it or does that sound like I've got my head in the clouds?

I wanted to make our marriage work and I really thought we could but now it just seems like the lies he's told are too much. I want to rant and shout at him but don't want to upset the DC so I'm trying to be calm and sensible about my options, if I have any.

Thanks to anyone who could take time to offer advice. It will be greatly appreciated.

[Suddenlyseymour]

Have you ever seen these messages? What is the context / content? Are they from, say, a childhood friend, or are they sexual / flirtatious? Am just trying to work out a clearer picture of what is going on x

[HeadTilt]

It depends why he is messaging her. If she's an old platonic friend it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to stop, and understandable that he might go against your wishes - though he'd be better to be open about it. If you have real reason to suspect his motives then I'd suggest you do confront him. You can't prop a marriage up on your own, so if he won't take responsibility (in the latter scenario) and focus his energies on your marriage then I'm nor really sure how you can continue.

[JellyJulie]

Thankyou both.
I started reading the messages and felt sick at the content. I think that gives you an idea as to what they contained. I couldn't read anymore and was very upset and confronted him then. He got very angry and amongst other things threatened to leave. We had a talk and he calmed down and stayed.

The girl he claims is some random he "just started to message" to see how it felt.

The more I write it out the more I see the writing on the wall.
I can't prop up the marriage that's true. I am scared of being the one held responsible for it being over I think.

[Tootsiepops]

He messaged another woman, you caught him and confronted him and he threatened to leave? You probably should have let him by the sounds of it

[JellyJulie]

I know and I'm really angry at myself for becoming this timid little mouse who's so frightened of rocking the boat. Because that's how I feel at the moment. Like if I put one step out of line he will leave.
But on the other hand I know deep down I should make him go.

We've been together such a long time. I thought it would last forever and I'm devastated at the thought of it being over.

[phoenixrose314]

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in

He has clearly tried gaslighting you and is emotionally manipulative - why on earth should he get angry when he is the one doing something wrong? You acted on a gut suspicion and got it right, no reason to be sorry on your side of things unless he was innocent.

One of my friends recently went through something similar and split from her longtime partner of 11 years. She said the thing that stuck in her mind was, when she was worrying over how it would affect her DCs, somebody said to her that they form their impressions of what love looks like based on their parents, and she could see that the picture her DCs currently had was not a good one - she was walking on eggshells around him, he was rude and dismissive, and generally casting a very unloving picture. Their split didn't go too well and it did rock the boat for the children, but only for a short time - she is now seeing another man and the DC are seeing what love should look like. She said it changed her entire view on divorce, which originally she said she would never do in a million years.

Take your time to grieve for what was lost. If you are angry when you confront him, your emotions will let you down and he was probably try to manipulate you again. Cry, rage, break down - and when that has all passed, sit him down and explain to him calmly that you want him to leave.

I hope life gets better for you really soon.

[Ditsy4]

It isn't easy. People on the outside will say leave or kick him out(not easy if he won't go) but it is difficult in a long term relationship that you expected to last. I would just say to sit tight but prepare in case you want to go. Do you have a separate bank account? If not, get one and put some money away.
Can you print it out so you have evidence if it is needed. Seal it and put somewhere safe. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same? I bet he wouldn't like it. If you can find some one to talk to GP, counsellor etc talking through helps to get your ideas into perspective. Preparing yourself will make you feel more empowered even if you don't go yet. He is the one wrecking your relationship.

[HeadTilt]

You deserve more. He no prize to hang in to. He should be begging for forgiveness, trying to find ways to herald your marriage. Time to tap into your anger a bit, and let go of the fear.

[JellyJulie]

Thankyou phoenixrose314 your post has made me cry, you seem to have hit the nail on the head.

I've been trying to deny all the things you've posted for months now but it really is time to ask him to leave.

I've never been more scared of anything in my life. Utterly ridiculous I know.

[JellyJulie]

Thankyou both too ditsy4 and headtilt
Time to get up and get the DC ready for school and then try to summon up some balls from somewhere.

[Hissy]

Jelly it takes 2 to make a marriage.

He's not doing his part. He's working hard to destroy it in fact.

Telling him to go may actually make him realise what he's done... But it may also be too late for you to want him back.

He needs time on his own "to see what it feels like" to lose it all for a random on FB.

What a prick he is.

[MattDillonsPants]

You don't need balls you've got ovaries and a good brain. They'll do for now.x

[Marquand]

It sounds exactly what happened to a friend of mine. She split up after 7 years, after she gradually realised she was the one changing her (reasonable) behaviour to prevent outbursts from her ex. She was walking on eggshells, not raising subjects that need to be raised in a healthy relationship, and generally getting more and more isolated.

It was a very difficult but amazingly rewarding year that followed, and now she is blossoming - professionally and personally. It is only once you are free from a horrible relationship that you realise in how many ways it was actually horrible, and how it prevented you from living a meaningful and happy life.

What I've learned myself about breaking up, is that the hardest thing is letting go of the dreams of your life together, and the hopes of happiness. What you do give up in reality is often stuff you are incredibly happy to be rid of.

Good luck - it's a tough time ahead, but it will be change for the better.

[CantAffordtoLive]

Why don't you go and get some legal advice first? It helps to make a decision when you have more information. I do agree though, I think it would be the best thing to do.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Please give yourself permission to get angry, instead of doubting yourself and trying to fix things.

He has broken your trust and shown how little regard he has for you. He has done it because he wants to please himself and has no concern for you. He won't suddenly wake up and realise how nice you are and therefore that he should be nice back: that's just not who he is.

It's unfair, but there it is. Time to stand up for yourself now.

[pictish]

He got angry and he threatened to leave?!

Oh love...that's not how it's supposed to go...not at all. If you do something wrong you apologise and make things right, you don't throw a tantrum to defend the indefensible! That's so horribly manipulative of him...like he's saying you have no right to protest about his shitty behaviour and disrespect of you. You're supposed to swallow it and leave him to carry on.

Wt very f? No...he's cheating on you and he's not even sorry. He thinks you've got a cheek confronting him! What use is that?

I'm so sorry OP. What a bag of toss he is.

[Jan45]

Can't believe the audacity of the man, he's done such a shitty thing and then threatens to leave unless you STFU!

Time to say goodbye, it will be scary, but exciting too and free from having a tosser as a partner.