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Is my marriage over?

(19 Posts)
eeyoresgrumpierfriend Mon 21-Mar-16 18:45:52

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lonely.

My relationship with DH has been up and down for years (since I had PND after DS1 was born). Over the last year he's withdrawn from me almost completely. He either doesn't respond to my messages or sends one word replies. He works long hours but when he is here doesn't really speak to me. When I speak to him he won't make eye contact.

A lot of this is my fault. I have too often responded to his detachment by pushing for a confrontation, I suppose to try and get some sort of emotional response.

I have tried talking to him calmly - along the lines of we're both unhappy, how can we fix this? He either walks away or tells me to 'stop moaning'. He often says I only ever moan. It isn't true - I've gone whole months where I have been very careful not to say anything negative at all but it is like he now has a concrete perception of how I am that I can never change.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't even seem to like me. He is naturally very even tempered but has lost his temper hugely with me on several occasions recently over relatively small things (late night dramas with ill young children etc...).

We have two young DCs, a lovely home and what would look like a perfect life to an outsider. I don't want a divorce - not just for the DCs sake but because I still love him but I can't see this ending up any other way. He just won't engage with me at all even though it must be making him as miserable as it is me.

He's not good at confrontation and it occurred to me today that he may be deliberately trying to push me into ending it rather than doing it himself.

What do I do?

ImperialBlether Mon 21-Mar-16 18:53:02

Do you actually love him or do you love the memory of the time you spent together years ago? It's difficult to love another adult who doesn't love or like you and doesn't spend any time with you.

He doesn't sound very nice at all and yes, it is a common thing to behave in such a way as to make the other person end it, so that you can be the innocent party.

eeyoresgrumpierfriend Mon 21-Mar-16 19:18:14

You are probably right - I love how we used to be. Is it unrealistic to think we can ever get back to that? I suppose so if he doesn't want to.

Joysmum Mon 21-Mar-16 20:14:26

What can you do? Nothing, it has to come from him wanting to do something. If he doesn't then you can't do anything.

eeyoresgrumpierfriend Mon 21-Mar-16 20:23:33

So what do I do? Ask him to leave?

eeyoresgrumpierfriend Mon 21-Mar-16 20:26:52

It's at the point where I need a resolution one way or the other but if I say that he'll just say i'm whinging again. I can't really just serve him with divorce papers but he won't speak to me.

Argh - it is all so exhausting.

Duckdeamon Mon 21-Mar-16 20:27:27

Sorry you're going through this. If you're still keen to try you could try couples' counselling. But you can't do all the trying: if he's checked out of the relationship or very often hostile towards you it might be time to separate.

HormonalHeap Mon 21-Mar-16 20:53:20

Yes, you can serve him with divorce papers. It doesn't sound as if much explantation would be required

This is exactly the behaviour my ex h displayed when he was having an affair. (not to say yours is). He wouldn't discuss anything because he couldn't, and wanted to keep his distance from me, whilst not jeapordising his cushy home life with the kids.

Whether your dh is having an affair or not, his behaviour to you is unjustifiable, and perhaps divorce papers would force him to decide either way, because you can't carry on as you are- that's no way to model your relationship for your kids. Sorry you are going through this.

cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 23:02:18

Sorry you're having a crap time and feeling worn down by it all. If he isn't prepared to put anything into sorting it out then IMO it's just a matter of time until you just can't stand it any longer.

Please don't start agonising over whether he's seeing someone else or not. It's irrelevant, because this is about how you feel and what you want.

By saying you moan and whinge every time you mention anything that upsets you he's effectively shutting your feelings down. It's not what a loving person would do.

I think you should start making some plans. Get your thoughts together. Or just ask him to leave. you never know, he might just go. Mine did and honestly if you'd run that scenario past anyone who knew me, they'd have said it would never happen. And if he doesn't then it doesn't mean it's impossible. More difficult for sure, but not impossible.

groovergirl Mon 21-Mar-16 23:24:58

Awful situation, OP, and frankly, I could have written your post. Writ it? I've lived it.

He says you're moaning. I and every other sensible person would say you are actively trying to improve the relationship.

He is inflicting emotional abuse on you, and TBH counselling probably won't help you; it rarely does when one partner is being abusive. However, I suspect he quite likes the situation as it is; he continues to enjoy his cushy home life, have his kids around him, and, let me guess, you run the household while also bringing in a wage. Of course's he's going to shut the conversation down. He's having his perfect life with absolutely no effort.

Good luck, OP. Let me warn you from experience that it can get worse. In my case, XH moved abroad for new job and DD and I were to follow. I was willing, hoping things would improve for us. But then I found his profile on a dating site. He'd uploaded it minutes after arriving at his hotel. The fact that he was telling the world he was divorced and seeking a new GF in the new country gave me the screenshots I needed to give him the flick.

Another respondent suggested yours might be having an affair. Do you think so?

Jan45 Tue 22-Mar-16 13:46:55

Stop accepting his abuse, he's tormenting you with silence and not engaging - would you accept anyone else treating you so badly, no, so, don't accept it from him.

I'd get the ball rolling, I'd not be living in that kind of anxiety, he sounds awful, blaming you for moaning when you are actually trying to fix things, cheeky bastard.

Jan45 Tue 22-Mar-16 13:48:44

And him being a horrible bastard is not your fault!

All0vertheplace Tue 22-Mar-16 13:51:30

OP -- Today I've been reading this thread (below) and it has really opened my eyes, in terms of how a relationship can (should?) work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2594773-People-in-happy-relationships-please-give-me-advice

absolutelynotfabulous Tue 22-Mar-16 15:18:16

God I had to check I hadn't written this myself. Nothing to add, really, except to say you're not alone (not helpful).

flowers. Take care of yourself.

Lemond1fficult Tue 22-Mar-16 17:29:36

This is terrible. It takes courage to confront someone about improving your relationship. For him to shut you down is cruel. What's the point in a partner who gives you no love, support or affection? It's worse than nothing. Your life can only improve without him in it.

It sounds to me as if you're past the point of no return, but it's possible the shock of you having his bags ready and telling him you want a divorce might shake him enough to make an effort. If he doesn't, you should be prepared to go through with it.

But before you do, you need to secure your financial position; take your half from shared accounts and make sure he can't touch it. Gather your loved ones close, as you'll need the support. Get help with the kids and focus on keeping it civil for them.

Flowers for you, OPthanks

absolutelynotfabulous Wed 23-Mar-16 08:48:59

How old are your dc,*OP*?

I hope you find the strength to face this. Easier said Tha done speaks from bitter experience

Jarlin Wed 23-Mar-16 09:44:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

absolutelynotfabulous Wed 23-Mar-16 12:23:21

I was also going to suggest a letter, or some other form of written communication. It's difficult not to respond to a letter.

dumbshmuk Sat 26-Mar-16 17:28:12

You want to stay together. You need a way to get thru to him. What are you talking to him about? Are you tying to bring up some complaint more nicely hoping he won't argue. If your goal is to stay together. Try a simple I love you. And ask do you still love me?

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