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Shouldn't have told him I love him ... what to do now??

(16 Posts)
cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 10:36:36

So, a bit of background. I asked my husband to leave last summer. Our relationship had been terrible for a long time and I was really unhappy and finally found the courage to do it. He left and we began divorce proceedings and we’re in the home straight now.

Initially I felt really liberated and had a few ONSs and then a longer term fuck buddy thing which was all fun at that the time and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. But around Autumn time I found myself kind of wanting a bit more… someone I could have dinners/drinks with, cinema etc, but def not a boyfriend… more of a friend with benefits. So I went back on the dodgy dating site, with that as my requirements. Met a guy and we clicked. The second time I saw him he said he’d like us to be BF/GF not FWB. I liked him and agreed and stopped seeing others etc. So since October we’ve been seeing each other when we can although time is limited as we both have 2 kids and work etc. We text constantly and talk every day. We talk about everything and anything… except about anything to do with us and how we feel etc. He is quite a closed book on that stuff, but has been acting more and more affectionate towards me. He talks about things we will do together in the summer etc. We have talked about introducing the kids to each other etc. He hasn’t met my children yet as I wanted to be 100% sure as it would be the first person I would introduce them too since their Dad left. I have recently met his kids briefly on a couple of occasions but have only been introduced as him friend.

Anyway, my feelings have been growing and I thought his had too and on Saturday night I texted him saying I thought I loved him. He didn’t reply saying he felt the same. He says he really likes me … that he really enjoys spending time with me … that he thinks about our future and how that could go. We've chatted about it all since and I explained that I don't want anything to change in terms of how we are but I just wanted to tell him how I felt. So I think we're all good. The problem is however I feel hurt and vulnerable. I wish I hadn't said anything. I feel stupid and embarrassed. I don't want to stop seeing him but I am dreading seeing him next as it will feel like a huge elephant in the room. I actually believe in my heart that he is close to feeling the same but holding back as he's a very independent person. I just feel like I've messed everything up when I should have just kept quiet.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

DropYourSword Mon 21-Mar-16 10:39:13

What's done is done. You've chatted since, you haven't ruined things. There's a reason some things are only said face to face, guess this is just a learning experience for you.

cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 10:40:28

But if I'd said it face to face, it surely would have been even more awkward??

chelle792 Mon 21-Mar-16 10:42:37

He's said he thinks about a future with you - he didn't say anything like "you're crazy, you shouldn't feel that way."

I'd call that a positive sign and he will say it when he's ready.

My DH told me he loved me about a month before I said it to him. He said it and I just smiled and said "good." It was good, I just didn't love him yet.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 21-Mar-16 10:48:50

He might just not be there yet. There is absolutely no harm in that. He acted maturely and as good as told you he is enjoying where its going and will be at the same point as you soon.

p.s 2nd date is quick to be exclusive!

cbigs Mon 21-Mar-16 10:49:59

I said it first to my dp , so I totally hear you and op, you do feel vulnerable but it sounds like your dp does love you and is maybe more wary. less open with this stuff. I'd act as normal as poss and I bet he says it soon.

pictish Mon 21-Mar-16 10:52:13

OP never feel ashamed of laying it on the line, which in effect is what you have done. Well done - you adulted good.
If it's the case that he doesn't return your feelings (ouch) then you will have wasted no more time in hope of something that was never going to happen. It will hurt like a swine, yes, but it would've anyway.
On the other hand he may back to you on a positive note, having had time to process what you've said.

Big hugs though. I'm feeling it for you. xx

cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 10:53:17

Thanks. I don't know why, but I just feel such a twat. Need to get over it right? So do I just not mention it again when I see him next? I think it's knowing how to act around him now that's doing my head in ...

Agree second date is early to be exclusive, but I'd been honest and told him about the ongoing FB and he asked me to knock it on the head ... I liked him, so I did.

Slowdecrease Mon 21-Mar-16 10:57:07

What's the worst that could happen if you feel vulnerable? Nobody has a cast iron promise of a future, everything is fluid. Dont worry smile

JeanGenie23 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:00:19

I think he is being cautious with his feelings, he considers the future with you and that is a massive thing to say, so no I don't think you have blown it.

Perhaps refrain from drinking and texting! blush

Queenie73 Mon 21-Mar-16 11:19:30

If/when he does say that he loves you, at least you will know he means it.
The first time my husband said he loved me, I screamed. Then dumped him. He didn't scream and you aren't dumped, so I'd say it's fine, just that he isn't as sure as you yet.

cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 11:46:14

Ha ha Queenie ... yes, it sounds as if it could have been much, much worse!! Your poor DH.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Mon 21-Mar-16 16:49:43

Someone told me they loved me once and I thought they were joking so I laughed. Laughed! blush

I still don't think he did really, I think he was just one of those overly gushy people; we weren't even together, we were just very close and had an attraction and flirted a lot.

But he clearly thought he did.

He didn't laugh, did he? So I'd say you're ok.

Homelesslove Mon 21-Mar-16 17:18:00

Well one of you has got to say it first. Don't worry.

I wouldn't mention it when you see him. Just act the same as normal. I bet it won't be long until he says it to you.

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 21-Mar-16 17:33:11

yes no need to mention it, what for if you feel embarassed. Leave it to him - show him you are cool and confident, and you just spoke your mind (I bet flattering to him even if a bit scary). As everyone says, his reaction wasn't negative so he'll prob come back to you with the same soon.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 Mon 21-Mar-16 21:09:42

He didn’t reply saying he felt the same.

Chill out. It took Mrs Fox about two years.

The problem is however I feel hurt and vulnerable.

That is because you expected something in return. Love is not Christmas, it comes to each of us when it is ready.

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