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Is it common for men to have someone else lined up when a 'good' relationship ends so suddenly?

(20 Posts)
TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:05:51

Still struggling wks on to get my head round things! BF of 5 months, got on great, lots in common, very affectionate, texting/phone calls most nights & saw each other approx 5 nights a wk. (Although we only had a whole/sleepover night once a wk due to dcs) Was him instigating all this btw, not me being too full on & scaring him off as that's just not me & been hurt badly in past by xdh so would have preferred things to be slower.

Sex was great, we were really compatible & I just can't come to terms with how he just drew a line under the relationship! Does he not miss the sex at least or is he getting it elsewhere?? It wasn't all about sex though, we'd get together just for coffee and have lunches during working day (again at his suggestion).

I know it's not unheard of for men to go cold & call it a day once they've had their fun but I can't get my head around things. I'm thinking an ex has come back on the scene or someone else. What man gives up great, regular sex and a carefree fun relationship to be all alone? They don't do they.

SoThatHappened Sun 20-Mar-16 22:13:01

What man gives up great, regular sex and a carefree fun relationship to be all alone? They don't do they.

No. Whenever I've had a relationship like that end there was always another.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:16:54

SoThatHappened I just feel so stupid and used. There was no great declarations of love going on during the 5 months but I felt that we were very close & I just didn't see it coming. Never had this kind of shit happen before and feel like I've got no closure.

SoThatHappened Sun 20-Mar-16 22:22:58

I was with one for a year, met all his faily and friends, very much welcomed into the fold. Very very nauseatingly smitten with each other.

Around 8/9 months I got slightly worried, not as many phone calls as usual, 9/10 months bloody worried as he just seemed to have checked out but when questioned on "us" he said he felt fine with me and nothing wrong with "us". So he was lying to my face while cheating on me.

By 11 months I was bloody frantic and then not long after he ended it for nothing. Literally. Saying the mos god awful and cruel things in the process. He probably had to demonise me to make himself feel better about what he did.

I saw him a year later on facebook all loved up with the one he said was just a friend and the penny dropped. I screenshot the picture and texted it to him and said so that explains it. He said I was sorry I felt that way but we didnt go out until November and I replied ok well we broke up in the February after that.

They are married now. Oh well. If he was prepared to cheat with her, I guess he may cheat on her.

There was another one who admitted just using me until he got a gf. I feel like utter shit now. Like I am not worthy of anyone's love.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:33:51

Oh SoThatHappened that is a lot of shit to have gone through. But, anyone low enough to behave in such a shit, underhand way has truly not been a good enough bloke long term anyway.

I too met the family and friends and we even had our dcs all playing happy family together (his idea, again ).

You live and learn I suppose. But I don't think i can really say I've learned anything from this other than how non clear cut even the most genuine seeming men can turn out to be. It's really knocked my trust in men all over again!

Fear not SoThatHappened plenty of arseholes out there but your radar will be well tuned for spotting them quicker after your experiences.

SoThatHappened Sun 20-Mar-16 22:36:55

Its too late for me I think. It's just not going to happen for me.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:42:02

You ARE worthy of love from a good, decent genuine bloke, don't put yourself down. Sounds like you dodged a few bullets & as shit as it is it just gives you another life stripe of experience.

A good bloke is one who is not willing to screw around and hedge his bets with 2 women on the go. Although they are sparse on the ground I do know there are genuine, good blokes out there.

I'm gonna start to enjoy more time alone (again!) and plan to just make life as fullfilling as possible single. (No other choice really confused )

SoThatHappened Sun 20-Mar-16 22:44:54

Ive been single all my life and when I do get a bf I get used or cheated on.

Ive just had it now. It's too late.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:47:04

How old are you? You sound so down. As clichéd as it is, you really do have to be in a happy place single to be able to have a relationship.
Shit as it is, I had been a lone for over 5 yrs since recent let down came on to my life. I was happy, we'll adjusted and not looking for a relationship.
Now I'm missing it and feeling like shit!
Wish it was 5 months ago, I would not have got involved!

TomTomKitten Sun 20-Mar-16 22:47:51

Sorry no, there is probably someone else. Please don't waste any more energy on him.

The book He's Just Not Into You was a great read when I suffered a similar fate (many moons ago!).

SoThatHappened Sun 20-Mar-16 22:49:16

37.

Never had a long relationship, never lived with a man. Longest ever was 2.5 years in my twenties. LONG period of singledom from late 20s to 30s and then when I started dating properly again at 33 I just got a string of total arseholes.

It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I have never had a real committed relatinoship and may never.

Will always wake up alone etc.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 20-Mar-16 22:57:03

Well, after 5 months, possibly not - I had a relationship finish at around the 4m mark because he just wasn't that into me - we'd had fun, ok we were younger and there were no children involved - but he told me he just hadn't fallen in love with me so there was no point in carrying on. I don't know whether or not he had an internal "cut-off" point for falling in love with whomever you're seeing, but he obviously decided it was never going to happen and did the honourable thing. No one else involved.

However much it upset me at the time (tbh, I wasn't in love with him either though) it was far better that he did what he did then, than string me along for years - as happened with another couple I knew. They were together for 4 years; at no point did he consider it to be a "forever relationship" but she did. I was in the awkward position of being friends with both, and knew that he wasn't as into the relationship as she was, but couldn't tell her, as she didn't believe me when I dropped hints.
It ended when she asked him whether or not he loved her, and he said he was "fond of" her - and she realised she was wasting her time. No other woman (or man, for that matter) involved there either.

So no, it's not an absolute given, but yes, it might still be the case.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 22:58:04

It's never too late! Lot's of nice blokes out there (hard to find but they do exist) who have been through the shit too. My lovely db is a perfect example.
Throw yourself into other things in life, I'm gonna start walking and swimming more. Maybe i'll take up a new hobby, time permitting. I know it sounds crass but a happy fulfilling life is possible when single. And it's when your happy in yourself and not arsed about meeting someone that someone special might well come in to your life.

TomTomKitten Sun 20-Mar-16 23:11:21

Of course there are lots of lovely men out there! Focus on yourself, have fun, make friends, etc. etc. The right one will come along when you least expect it.

TwitTwatTwunt Sun 20-Mar-16 23:23:48

Thanks Tom and Thumb
It's a horrible feeling to think he just wasn't all that in to me when he was showing every signal and behaviour of being quite the opposite. Maybe he liked the idea of a relationship with me more than the reality. Must have pretty juvenile emotions if that's the case! He is late 40 's, I'm late 30 's.

I will definitely regard it as a red flag for any future relationships: men who come on too strong, too soon, wanting to talk /spend lots of time together from the offset rather than just taking it slow!

Slowdecrease Sun 20-Mar-16 23:52:11

Maybe he wanted you to instigate stuff instead of him all the time?

LovePGtipsMonkey Mon 21-Mar-16 00:10:11

what was his relationship history, OP? People aer often like this on therebound, all keen and consistent for a while then it hits them that they still haven't got over the ex, or just can't commit to another LONG r-ship while they would be happy with short intense ones. Or he could be one of those who generally doesn't do LTR and only after the thrilling first stage.
But yes, likely to have either lined up someone new, or felt he started fancying others. It is dreadful though when you thought it was al l promising. Great that you can stay positive! that's the best way to move on.

TwitTwatTwunt Mon 21-Mar-16 00:14:07

Slowdecrease that's a good point & it had crossed my mind a bit. I did try to instigate things a little bit, maybe not as much as I should have and it was mostly all him.

Exh did a good number on me for many years and I think I'll always feel a bit vulnerable/untrusting of men due to this.

Dishevelled09 Mon 21-Mar-16 00:36:28

Did he give a reason why he ended it? Not knowing this guy but he doesn't necessarily have another lined up ,just that he didn't waste your time(assuming he's a good guy). People have ideas in their head about how long each part of a relationship should be eg dating before moving in together or what constitutes a relationship instead of just enjoying what they have! Have you got any friends in common you can ask what happened?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 21-Mar-16 02:26:30

There's always the possibility that he thought you weren't that into him - but tbh, if that were the case, you'd like to think he'd have the maturity to ask you rather than just finish it. But then maybe he's got insecurity issues too, who knows.

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