Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex upsetting DD (13)

(5 Posts)
JustincaseNC Sun 20-Mar-16 21:02:27

I've namechanged in case someone recognises me.

So background, when I was a teenager I met ex and at the time I thought he really loved me as he used to want to know where I was all the time and would get upset and angry if I didn't spend all my time with him. I now realise that he was very controlling.
Anyway I became pregnant. My family were not happy and they made me move in with him. He became abusive verbally and physically even after I had DD.

I left him when DD was still a baby as he threatened to hurt her and I couldn't have that. He wanted no contact and kicked off saying she wasn't his anyway and I decided it was best to have nothing to do with him.

Then I met my DH and we married. Ex came back on the scene shortly after saying he wanted to try again and he had a new girlfriend and a house and he said he was different. He got the courts involved

So he started to have DD every other weekend but after a few months he stopped coming so often and he would cancel at the last minute. DD started to get very upset and unsettled. I asked him over text if we could change the arrangement so he would turn up on the days that he said he would come as DD was getting upset.

He came to the house and tried to hit me and DH had to pull him off. All this while DD was in the room. Police had to be called and all contact was stopped. We didn't hear from ex again for years.

So DD started calling DH dad. We had two other DCs. Then DH passed away over a year ago.

Ex got back in touch at first over Facebook just to offer condolences. I asked him how he was and he has a wife and two young DCs with her now. We messaged each other a little back and he asked to see DD.

She wanted to get to know him so they emailed for a while. Then I went with her to meet up with him at a local cafe. We then met up a couple more times with his family.

But then he started emailing DD more and more asking her to meet with him alone. She doesn't feel comfortable with this yet , she still doesn't really know him and she wants to get to know him more before they meet alone.
In his last email he told her that she was just making a fuss now and he was her dad so she shouldn't feel uncomfortable with him.

I want to email him and tell him to stop pushing DD and upsetting her and she will do it when she is ready. But it's possible he might take it the wrong way again.

I'm not sure what to do but it can't really carry on like this so I'm hoping you can help me decide what to do.

Rubberbandits Sun 20-Mar-16 21:40:20

This is difficult but I would tell him directly how your DD needs to be treated.
If he still has violent tendencies, I would tread very carefully regarding him seeing DD unsupervised.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 20-Mar-16 22:21:18

I find it significant that this controlling and abusive tosser should make contact with you a) shortly after you married and b) shortly after you were widowed.

While he did so under the guise of wanting to see his dd it seems more probable to me that his intention was to hurt, or get at, you and for this reason I suggest that you refrain from entering into any further communication with him unless it is for the sole purpose of making arrrangements and accompanying your dd to public venues where she can see him - and you can observe them together.

On the assumption that your dd is now a teenager, her wishes relating to what contact she wants to have with her bio f will be taken into account by a court of law. This knowledge should be sufficient for you to support her in whatever she wants to do and, if asked, help her express her feelings in emails to him - make sure she saves all of their correspodence.

Assure your dd that it's fine for her to proceed at her own pace and that you certainly won't attempt to persuade her to see her biological f alone, or at all, if she doesn't want to..

It appears that he's another example of leopards not changing their spots and I trust that you won't hesitate to call the police if he turns up on your doorstep unannounced again.

flowers I'm very sorry for your loss and have no doubt that your dh's loving paternal care has given your dd the confidence to reject imitations and, more particularly, those who do not have her best interests at heart.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Sun 20-Mar-16 22:21:18

Tell your dd what you should already be telling her - that no-one has any rights over her time and no-one has the right to make her feel uncomfortable. Help her to block him on FB and wherever else she needs to. Message him and tell him she will be in touch if and when she feels ready and be prepared to follow through with a non - molestation order if he continues to contact her.

Dragongirl10 Sun 20-Mar-16 22:45:37

There are so many red flags here, getting in touch after you are sadly widowed...l am so sorry for your loss.

It is very typical for an abuser to try to take control if he thinks there is any weakness to be exploited....why did you even start communication with him?, if anyone had ever threatened my dcs they would be permanently cut out of their lives.

Please do not EVER trust this man alone with your DD. He will let her down at the least and possibly hurt her...he is no father to her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now