Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Marriage unlikely to survive... wibu to leave and move 200 miles away?

(46 Posts)
RainbowDashed Sat 19-Mar-16 19:09:31

H has been increasingly selfish and emotionally abusive over the 15+ years we've been together. Things have finally come to a head as I've been standing up for myself a lot more which seems to have triggered an escalation in the frequency of "incidents" and I've reached the point where I can't see a resolution, he has been blaming his own mental health etc etc but it took a serious request from me that he pack his bags and fuck the fuck off before he went to see his gp. Too late.

I'm currently working my notice in my job - which was handed in before the terminal incident and is most probably the trigger for it tbh, my job is stressful, long hours, no decent family time etc and he did nigh on bugger all to help me cope, emotionally, practically or helping organise the children etc.

So I now have a number of options, fortunately I have enough money to see me through for a while so that's a big tick in an important box.

I could stay, chuck him out, but it's unlikely ill be able to afford to stay in this house unless I went back to very full time work.

I could rent a cheap house locally, kids could stay in their schools, I could afford to earn less and then when the marital home was sold I could afford to buy here.

I could go back to my employer and ask that my notice be cancelled, and move close enough to work to cut out my commute. Children would have to change schools.

My current thought is that if I am going to disrupt my kids, I may as well move to my home county, 200ish miles away. My mum and sister are there. My oldest most supportive friend is there. The only sticking point is moving my kids away from everything they know, just because their father is a twat. I cant seem to come to terms with this in my mind at all. Moving home would give me a fresh start, with people I love around me. Also from a practical pov my mum's health could be better, nothing serious but she has long term conditions which affect her day to day life. It would be nice to be nearer to her.

The thought of doing any of the above terrifies me, and I keep changing my.mind as to which would be best. The fact that I won't have a job in six weeks kind of helps in some ways but not in others.

It would be really help to hear anyone's experience, thank you.

Mamaka Sat 19-Mar-16 20:40:26

Sorry I can't really help as very inexperienced myself but I also asked my h to leave 2 weeks ago after standing up for myself caused an escalation in abusiveness.
The only thing I would say is that out of your options moving kids 200 miles away from their dad doesn't seem to be very reasonable, regardless of the relationship you had with him. Was he abusive to them at all?

museumum Sat 19-Mar-16 20:43:38

If I were you I'd rent locally for now. Moving can happen later or not, but a decision like that is better made when things are calmer.
For now I would make the break but keep life as stable as possible for the children and also facilitate access with their dad (unless he's abusive to them or might be).

NewtoCornland Sat 19-Mar-16 21:29:56

Leaving would absolutely not be unreasonable but upping and taking your children away from their father is very unreasonable.

Unless there is more to this, like he's a shit father and is abusive towards the dc, you have an issue with your relationship with your ex and that shouldn't be used to cloud dc relationship with your ex.

GoodStuffAnnie Sat 19-Mar-16 21:35:59

I disagree with other posters. The children having their extended family around them will be lovely for them. How old are they?

IonaNE Sat 19-Mar-16 21:36:26

I would go. Children are adaptable. Some people move to foreign countries with their children. Moving to a different county is not such a big change.

RainbowDashed Sat 19-Mar-16 21:52:46

He's not abusive to them, not really, but there was an issue between him and dd1 a few months back where I had to step in and stop him going ballistic at her over what really wasn't a major issue.

They are 11 & 6.

When I told him to.leave, he went to speak to them. I have no idea what he said but they were hysterical, begging me to let him stay. I caved.

He's not very involved with them, he rarely does anything with/ for them unless I'm there too.

BarbarianMum Sat 19-Mar-16 22:35:42

I think going from having your dad in your life to not having him in your life is a huge change.

If you move, how often do you see him having access? Are you prepared to do a round trip of 800 miles per visit, or are you expecting him to do it?

Ultimately you can talk to him about it and he may agree. If he doesn't it'll have to go through the courts.

BiscuitMillionaire Sat 19-Mar-16 22:43:03

I think if your children had been 4 and 6 then I would say move, but 6 and 11 - I don't know. It will be hard for them to deal with your split, as well as the upheaval of moving away from their friends and schools. The 11-yr-old might have a hard time forgiving you for that. I would rent nearby for the time being and look for a less stressful job.

Haggisfish Sat 19-Mar-16 22:47:27

I think those ages would be ok to move-they will make new friends at school. Don't stay if you will massively resent it though.

RealityCheque Sat 19-Mar-16 23:02:45

It doesn't matter how old the kids are - moving them away from their father is unacceptable.

He could also apply to the courts to prevent you doing it. Or they could make YOU do ALL the travelling to facilitate contact.

Morasssassafras Sat 19-Mar-16 23:02:56

Do you think your H would be agreeable to you moving 200 miles away? I believe that in recent years there has been a change so he could try to stop it via the courts.

HeddaGarbled Sat 19-Mar-16 23:17:13

I know it's hard but I really do think that they need a relationship with their dad. Moving so far away will make that so hard to maintain. He will be angry, they will be upset and the logistics of contact will be really difficult.

If it comes to a court case, the arrangement is often that each parent does half of the journeys for contact by the non resident parent which would mean that you would be driving 400 miles every other weekend for the return journey to drop or collect. Is this really how you want to live? Plus what about the children doing that journey every other weekend?

You may think that he hardly does anything with them but if he is emotionally abusive, trust me, he will do everything he can to make life difficult for you, emotionally manipulate the children and fight you legally for access to the children. You will not be able to stop contact because of a few minor incidents of less than perfect parenting. Unless he is physically abusive or negligent in the extreme, no court would stop the children seeing him regularly.

Your second option sounds like the best to me. Rent locally until house is sold then buy locally. Children stay in current schools. You get a job more compatible with being a single parent.

I understand the temptation to put as many miles between you and your soon to be ex as you can. There are lots of things you can do to protect yourself from him at handovers etc., not least keep posting here for advice from many women who have had to handle all this themselves.

AnotherEmma Sat 19-Mar-16 23:20:01

You need legal advice. I think it would make sense for you to take the kids back to your home country - you are the main/only responsible parent here, and you will have more support from family and friends back home. But you need to know whether you have a strong legal case for it.

Can you tell us which country you're living in now and which is your home country? That will affect the legal situation.

RainbowDashed Sat 19-Mar-16 23:20:19

Thanks for the replies, I think on balance I was right to be wary.

RainbowDashed Sat 19-Mar-16 23:22:35

A couple of cross posts there. AnotherEmma its a change of county rather than country. I'm in England.

AnotherEmma Sat 19-Mar-16 23:25:06

Oh apologies, I misread. In that case you could call the free Rights of Women Family Law helpline. It would be wise to get a solicitor with experience of supporting clients in abusive relationships, and RoW is a very good place to start.

newname99 Sun 20-Mar-16 00:26:38

Divorce for children is often made worse by the significant changes such as moving from an area they know, hobbies, schools, friends and dad.

It might work better for you but it's a big risk for the children.My friend moved her DD when she was 11, just before secondary, it was years before her DD settled (different accent made her stand out) and their relationship was impacted.Her DD never recovered educationally and now has very poor career choices.

I would also caution against a big change after a separation, move to rental and reassess after you have completed all the legalities.

NewtoCornland Sun 20-Mar-16 20:03:55

Could I ask a question to all the pp that have advised a solicitor and stated along the lines of 'if it goes to court'.....where has this information come from? I only ask because DP's ex moved nearly 400 miles away and he saw his solicitor to ask if there was anything he could do to stop it. He was told he would only be able to apply for a prohibited steps order if she was moving country, she could move anywhere she wanted in the UK and there was nothing he could do. The only thing that could legally be enforced was that she would be obliged to travel a minimum of half the journey come contact. Was this not right then?

Babieseverywhere Mon 21-Mar-16 22:34:12

Move up north, come home. The kids will be fine. You are so well loved and deserve to be happy.

As long as you ensure they have a relationship with their father and I know you will do that.

Love you.

AnotherEmma Mon 21-Mar-16 22:39:59

Do you know the OP?!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Mon 21-Mar-16 22:45:53

OP - if I was you, I would move back to mum, sister and friends without a backward glance. A father who is abusive to the mother of his children, is not one I would stay around.

Abusive men don't deserve to be fathers. Children deserve to be be free of abusive men.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Mon 21-Mar-16 22:48:36

When I told him to.leave, he went to speak to them. I have no idea what he said but they were hysterical, begging me to let him stay. I caved.

Fuck knows what he said to them - but he's not someone with their best interests at heart if he can do that to them, is he?

Babieseverywhere Mon 21-Mar-16 22:51:11

I have Googled some reasonable legally sources. In general UK courts do not stop mothers moving within the UK with children. As long as it is not to avoid contact with the father and that reasonable contact between children and father are maintained.

Yes I am a RL friend who has already offered pick up and accommodation services...with plenty of gin on the side. wink

Rainbowdashed....text me if you want me to get proper legal advice off my solicitor friend. Stay safe.

cantakerouscow Mon 21-Mar-16 22:52:02

How do you think he'd take it if you said you wanted to move? You describe him as not particularly involved with the children. Have you ever discussed what sort of arrangements for sharing the children you would put in place if you split? i.e do you think he's an EOW or 50:50 type? This would have a big impact on how he might feel about it.

I'm kind of in disagreement to the majority who've posted so far and think you should seriously consider the move if you think it would set you and your children up for a good life day to day. This is particularly true if you don't imagine him being really involved on a day to day basis, which it sounds like he wouldn't be.

He might make lots of noise but that doesn;t mean he'd probably follow any of it through. Think what would make you happy long term...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now