Why is my dh so ungrateful?

[WestNchick]

My dh doesn't seem to appreciate just how easy he has it. Been married ten years and have two children together both under 10. I get them ready in the mornings and do all the school runs, all the cooking and looking after the house, I pay half the household bills if not more yet he earns twice what I do.
I work shifts which always fit around the kids so never had to use childcare. I take the kids to their activities and do all the school work etc. Dh comes home to food that I have prepared and leaves the dishes in the sink. He will then sit on the couch for the rest of the night watching to until he goes to bed.
Due to changes at work I have had to pick up some extra hours. On these days he gets the kids up and takes them to childminders before work or I do it depending on what time I have to be at work.
He doesn't help me or the kids with anything but yet if any of his friends or friends wives call him to do anything he is there in a flash.
A few weeks ago he flipped out and called my cousin to say that I dont do anything and that I don't even cook for him saying what is a wife for etc... It's like he expects a traditional wife in the home and then a modern wife to split the bill. I am continuously running on empty because I do everything and get no break. If I work weekends he visits friends and the wives cook for him. I am assuming that because of this he wants me to serve him. There is no partnership in the marriage and I can only assume that when he visits these friends he wants me to be like their wives.
We were born in the same country but I was raised here, he wasn't.
He told my cousin that if I want a divorce I should tell him. He has not told me this and has not spoken to me even though we live in the same house.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[category12]

What do you get out of this marriage? Do you want this to be your life?

[choli]

Because you hand it to him.

[WestNchick]

Thank you for replying so quickly. I ask myself this everyday and to be honest with you I am not getting anything out of it. I just never set out to be a single parent.

[Fairylea]

He really has no idea does he?! This has been allowed to go on for far too long. The finance situation is particularly awful - you should both be contributing to the household finances proportionally according to income at the very least - or (my preferred arrangement) contribute leaving yourself the exact same amount of spending money. If he can't agree to that I don't think you even have a basis to talk about anything else. He sounds so old fashioned and sexist!

[WestNchick]

Choli, any suggestions? What would you do. Just after as much advice I can get before I make any decisions.

[Sparkletastic]

I would suggest you would be better off without him as you already have plenty experience of single parenting.

[abbsismyhero]

i agree with arf

personally this is a ridiculous way to behave he has been having his cake and eating it for years does he even engage with his children? why does he not pay his own way?

[NNalreadyinuse]

Get a divorce would be my advice.

You have said nothing positive about this man. He is tight with money, contributes nothing to his children's lives, has no respect for you and bitches about you to other people.

He is a nasty man and you haven't helped yourself by letting him pull this shit for 10 years and not pull him up on it. Get out now and I guarantee you will be happier

[ItMustBeBedtimeSurely]

Stop expecting him to be grateful. He never will be.

In fact, stop focusing on him. What about you? What do you want? This is the life you will have if you stay married to this man. He won't change. So decide what YOU want.

[WestNchick]

Sparkle this is why I joined mumsnet, you guys don't mess around.
I often tell him that I am a single mum living with a lodger. That is how I feel. The kids see him helping others and ask why he does that but not help us. It breaks my heart.

[CactusKate]

I just never set out to be a single parent

Maybe not, but you will be a happy one & the world is your oyster.

[annandale]

So you do all the cooking but he claims that you don't do any? What? Do you think his cousin believed him?

Start shouting at him a lot more. Anger is a kind of engagement with a person - you both sound as if you have turned away from each other. Let out some of the anger and tell him to stop lying about you to random family members. Or start telling the family about the problems you are having - honestly, not lying. In particular you may be surprised by the responses of people who have been married for a long time - you may expect them to come out with conventional stuff but sometimes they will tell you stories to make your hair stand on end and give you unexpected support.

[DoreenLethal]

What's the point of him? You already are a single parent but to one extra child. [Him].

[whatdoIget]

Wow if you do divorce and stop keeping his house and sharing his bills he's going to have a shock!

[WestNchick]

I don't speak positively about him because I am here about his negatives. He is good with the kids when he wants to be but I see the partnership among friends marriages and I just question mine.
The only issues I have are with him not pulling his weight. If he treated us like he treats everyone else I would be happy. Everyone puts him on a pedestal because the think he is so great.

[Chillyegg]

Bloody hell op he needs slapping with a wet fish! What a knob.
Youll end up crashing you know you can't do it all, all the time then get put don't forget it. Make your life easier and bloody leave him one less child to look after.

[Chillyegg]

That should read then get put down from it .

[junebirthdaygirl]

Don't say anything do something. People only react to consequences not words. So gradually move more work unto his plate. Eg do you want to cook Saturday or Sunday? Start going out a least two evenings a week to a class gym whatever and leave him with bedtime. So say nothing. No big drama just slowly bit by bit change stuff. He sounds like he only does what he has to. When you are going out in the evening just cheerily walk out no big instructions. Just leave. So no words just actions on your part.

[CrumpetsAndGin]

That sounds very tough on you. Have you ever outright asked him what he feels his contribution to the marriage is? Or asked yourself in what way being married to him is better than not being married to him? Or, to stimulate his thinking, asked him the same question?

Is there an underlying cultural difference (you note he was raised in a different country)?

And ultimately, are you willing to settle for this or is he willing to change? If the answers to both of these questions are no, you need to start thinking about options not involving him.

[WestNchick]

Annadale

I agree with what you are saying I do need to shout and get him to see things from my perspective. I have told him before that he is not pulling his weight but because he is around men who literally do nothing. He thinks I should be grateful with the little that he does.
A previous post mentioned that I haven't listed any posture qualities so here goes.
The kids love him
He is a great cook and that's what is so frustrating. I would say within a month he cooks about 4 meals and that is when I am at work so he has no choice. During the week he never cooks.
He does the yard during the holidays and so on. But raising a family you need to keep on top of things and that is what he doesn't realise.

[OTheHugeManatee]

He's opted out of your partnership.

I would ask him if he wants a divorce. IMO he does, but instead of being honest about it he's determined to treat you like shit until you crack and leave him, so he can whine about being hard done by.

Call him on his behaviour.

[WestNchick]

Crumpet
Yes it is the cultural differences. When we first met he was totally different but then that was before the children came along.
I have always worked. Things seem more magnified because the children require so much help. We are both university graduates but I chose to look after the children once I qualified. He went straight into his career. I always thought that because he is so smart academically that he would pass some of that knowledge into the children by helping them but he does so little.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is there for you to love about this man?. You have yourself said nothing positive about him. This is also because he really does not bring anything worthwhile into your family life.

Children love any parent no matter how rubbish they actually are. Also these children are learning from you also about relationships and they are all too clearly seeing how you are treated. They come to learn that this is normal, that this is how people behave in relationships.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

As for him cooking one meal a week (and he only does that because you are at work) and tidying the yard; that is just the barest of bare minimums. He is simply doing what he can get away with.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorce asap.

[Caprinihahahaha]

To be honest, kids tends to love their dads. They love their parents even if their parents are arseholes. So 'the kids love him' is not a positive

He can cook but doesn't. Also not a positive.

He cleans the yard. That's it. You are knackered and living in a crap relationship but hey, he cleans the yard.

Don't shout. That's terrible advice. Just stop doing stuff for him. Practice bring a single parent now.