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He isn't very sexy anymore...(76 Posts)
DP and I have been talking marriage over the last couple of weeks and I've become a little worried that I'm going to be making a mistake...
DP is a nice man; we have a beautiful child together whom we both adore and we always knew that eventually we would marry. The time has come where life has settled down and money allows a wedding but I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.
Is it normal for you to find your partner/husband less attractive when children come along? I don't mean in terms of just looks either, I feel I've lost all admiration for him as a person.
Since DD has come along, I've found DP to be increasingly frustrating, stubborn, lazy and very complacent.
The problems are:
His lack of ambition or motivation for anyhing- he leaves tasks not done or incompleted, the same goes for his attitude at work. He's known as a bit lazy but gets away with it because he's 'nice' I'm starting to wish he had more zest for life.
-everything gets left to me unless I request help with it. I have to write him a list of little jobs most weekends before he'll unglue himself from the sofa. I find it annoying that he can't think for himself and have the decency to give me a bit of head space.
-He allowed his DM to wreak havoc after DD was born and I lost a lot of respect for him. Again, I had to take control of the situation and persuading him to back me up was a huge headache.
-he doesn't talk. Unless it's trivial. He actually talks all the time, loudly about gossipy stuff- things I've no head space for. Yet getting him to talk about finances, future plans or anything of any importance is an uphill struggle.
- personal hygiene. For some reason, since the birth of DD I've seen a decline in DPs personal hygiene. He's never been a morning person but would rather lie in bed for an extra 5 minutes than shower. In the evenings, he would prefer to watch an extra 5 minutes of netflix than clean himself
- he has no sex drive. Before DD sex wasn't fantastic, but it was OK. We are both a little tired now having a toddler but again, DP would rather stay up and watch Netflix rather than make love to me...
- he makes very little effort with our relationship and unless it's me planning date nights in date nights out nothing gets thought about or planned. He's bored of listening to me complain about his lack of effort and so am I.
I love DP, but not sure if I love him romantically enough to marry him. I miss the excitement of our relationship before DD came along but fear that DP has fallen into the habit of little effort. I have my faults too and he is kind to me in general (makes me a cup of tea, buys me flowers every week after getting into the habit of going to the shop every Friday on his way home from work) but that's just it. He operates on autopilot 90% of the time and I'm growing concerned that its just not enough for me. I need him to make more effort with thinking and trying to think for himself.
I can hear people asking why I decided to have a child with him in the first place. Because I once wanted to spend my future with him, he once made an effort and there was once more time for procrastination. Life changes with a little one and I don't feel he's kept up with those changes. He's a wonderful hands on father, but I'm worried it's not enough. I don't find his behaviours or attitude to things very sexy or pro-active, I find him draining.
Is this normal life-with-a-young-child-relationship-blues or should I be concerned that marrying him could be a mistake?
Mistake. I am afraid. You have good reason to resent him, from this post. I couldn't live with someone who couldn't even keep themselves clean.
Definitely don't start planning a wedding.
Have you told him how all this is making you question your future together?
I think given what you've wrote you should reconsider your decision to marry as it doesn't sound like you actually want to really be with him at this moment in time let alone for the rest of your life.
All LTR have ups and downs and they change over time and we all tolerate things in our partner that perhaps frustrate us to high hell but aren't necessarily deal breakers however some of the things you've mentioned like not respecting him and lack of motivation would possibly be deal breakers for me. I think it's possible to love someone but not be in love with them and I think for a marriage to stand a chance you need to be in love when you say I do. I'd be telling him the wedding is on hold indefinitely and you need to seriously think about your life together or if your future lies apart.
Forever is a long time. I'd not be ok with this. Lazy would be my killer and all that that entails you have pretty much listed.
Time to think again.
Is he a bit depressed?
Personally I wouldn't marry him, there's a huge difference with loving someone and being in love.
He dorsn't sound like a good bet for marriage.
My DH is quite similar (in some respects although no issues with hygiene). We have been married 5 years, DD is 3, and whilst I don't regret marrying him, I do feel "is this it?".,.
You need to seriously think about it. Marriage won't make the problems go away.
"I've lost all admiration for him as a person"
You can't marry him. You'll be so unhappy for DECADES if you marry him. Back out now and it will be 18 months of embarrassment, upset, recrimination, getting back on your feet, but you won't be trapped in an awful marriage.
I have always said to my DDs if it isn't wonderful then don't even think of getting married.You need the memory of how it used to be and why you married to get you through the difficult stuff -and most long lasting marriages go through difficult stuff.DH and I married within two years of meeting (we didn't live in the same place although spent every weekend in effect living together) while we were still madly in love .I think one of the problems these days is that couples drift into (what can be rather boring and 'middle aged') domesticity without discussing long term plans (not necessarily you OP).Hence perhaps the insistence on a fairy-tale wedding to liven things up a bit...
Some of it may be that he has settled into a comfortable (for him) rut.But if you've never been able to discuss money,the future etc I'd be very wary .And I'd also query why you went ahead and had a child .
If you don't marry would you split up ?
Because that is ultimately what you would be saying .I don't want to spend the rest of my life with the father of my child.Hard on you all.
This is the kind of question that can be quite upsetting but would you lose all admiration for yourself as a person if you married him. That would be so damaging to your self-esteem.
There will be criticism for having had a child with him, but a lot of people can never know the effect your own childhood and experiences wiht men, and your parents' parenting of you, your parents' marriage (modelled to you) factors in to things. I know I have forgiven myself for having a child with a man who wasn't 'fit' because I couldn't have made a better choice with the low self esteem I had at the time. Not saying that's the case for you but saying ''why did you have a child with him then'' just shows such a lack of understanding of such an enormous picture, I would advise you not to feel obliged to answer that to anybody besides your psychotherapist (for now!). I can answer the question now though. I wouldn't mind.
He doesn't sound very happy either. Lack of personal hygiene and hiding behind Netflix, plus reluctance to discuss any kind of future, they don't sound like someone who's enjoying life. Sounds like you both need to look at what you want, maybe? He might be drifting into a marriage he doesn't want either. Sorry, OP, it's a horrible situation for you, and you obviously don't want to hurt your partner, but marriage is hard enough already sometimes without bringing massive unaired doubt into it.
There are two things in your list that sound like real killers to me: the fact that he leaves you with the burden of organising both your lives, and the fact that he let his DM act up when you had DC and had to be persuaded to back you up. These things really show that he is not a partner to you. Don't marry somebody who doesn't have your back.
I'm not surprised he doesn't seem sexy to you.
I think I would not dump him yet - new babies cause all sorts of upsets in relationships that you can come back from. But I certainly wouldn't marry him either at this point.
I would be telling him what you've said here and that it is make or break time. Given that you have a child, I think it is worth the effort of trying to get back what you once had. Of course, if you have already had the make or break conversation and nothing has changed, then I agree that you would be better ending things now.
Omg no! No! Don't marry him! You'd be INSANE to marry someone you feel this way about! You know that, right? Please say you know that?
Sounds like he has no initiative.
It gets draining when you are left to think stuff through all the time, plan, sort etc.
The hygiene stuff is inexcusable I couldn't cope with that.
It's either time for a big discussion or time to get out.
If it carries on you will become really resentful. It will eat away at you.
If you feel like this now, imagine how much worse you'll feel about him in a couple of years.
DON'T marry him.
Resentment eats away at you. Time for a big discussion with him. Do you want to stay with him at all?
Is this normal life-with-a-young-child-relationship-blues or should I be concerned that marrying him could be a mistake?
Well, it's not an either/or situation. The first of those may be true, but the second certainly is. You say you've been talking about marriage so plainly, his conversation isn't entirely limited to inconsequential gossipy stuff. You need to talk to him about these issues and see if your relationship can be fixed. And be prepared to find out that if you present him with your misgivings, he might turn out to have some too.
Having a child can trigger the little boy reflex in some men and I should know, I married a mummy's boy. What's the deal with his parents/siblings? what has he been raised to believe is his role in the family? What was his father's role? Has his example been healthy? Do you like your in-laws to be, because trust me, once the ring is on they might see that as a sign that you accept them in to your life and that includes their traditions and opinions? if I had spent more time with DH's tribe I would not now be on the brink of a divorce.
I have asked DP is he is depressed as I have also thought the same, he replied that he's 'very happy.' I replied that I'm not sure he understands what happy is and he responded that his mood has always been a straight line with tiny peaks and tiny toffs all his life.
He adores our DD and I have a feeling that without her, we possibly wouldnt be together. We make a great 'parenting team' but not a great team as a couple anymore. That part of us has been lost...
I find this SO difficult. We both waited many many years to have a family of our own, it's the only thing either of us ever wanted from life, so to leave him would be huge. I'm in a catch 22. I don't want to leave him/not sure I want a relationship with him type state. I would hate to leave without trying to make this work first, but I would need him to change and surely asking someone to change isn't fair?
I'm dreaming about ex boyfriends all the time, about young energetic men that I work with. But is that selfish? To want more for myself when as a family unit, we get by ok?
I almost feel I've made my bed and should lie in it. I chose him to be the father of my child, I was desperate for a child, so was he. Should I stick it out? If not, what else can I do other than leave him?
I think he possibly feels as fed up of me as I do of him and perhaps this is why he doesn't make the effort and I honestly don't blame him. I've gotten so frustrated at him over the last 12 months, he's had to deal with my constant depressing rages and melt downs. It's like a vicious circle. He doesn't make the effort, I try to talk to him, he doesn't like taking, I get frustrated, I rage at him, he feels- well however he feels and makes less effort etc etc etc. How do I shake things up to get us back on track as a couple again, or atleast try to? I need to try everything before I just leave with his DD in tow. He would be in bits.
It sounds like you need some sort of independent mediator in order to have any sort of productive discussion, so some sort of counselling seems a logical next step. I guess Relate is the place to start.
Also, so many women on MN advise against just co-habiting when there are children involved. Putting off marriage would just leave me in a vulnerable position for a longer time surely?
But leaving without exploring every way to 'fix' things first would be reckless. I don't want to break up our family unless completely necessary. What do I do?
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