Drug taking

[Drugsarebad]

Hello,

I think I know the answer to this.

My BF occasionally takes cocaine when I'm not around. He knows I don't like it, so it has caused him to tell lies about it.

I'm answering my own question here . . But if he doesn't change, when he knows I hate it . . .it's time to go isn't it?

[Bree85]

Ask yourself, do you want someone around you with drug problem? If no, then let go.

[Drugsarebad]

He says it's not a problem, but something he chooses to do every now and again.

[Wolfiefan]

Since when was taking illegal drugs and lying to your partner not a problem.
Addicts and guilty people lie.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you really need to ask that question?.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

Do you act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship?. You need to know that you can never act as either. You cannot "rescue" and or "save" someone who does not want your support or to be saved.

Why is your relationship bar that low that you have this person as a BF?.

He is simply now dragging you down with him; is that what you really want for your own self?.

[Drugsarebad]

I guess you are just confirming what I already know.

I know I sound like an idiot, but there are so many good points to the relationship.
But I'm realising that there is no trust at all. I question everything he says and I check his phone.

last time I found out he did it was because I checked his phone and he had spoken to someone I know he gets it from when I was staying at a friends. I spoke to him on the phone that night and he said he was getting an early night. he thinks that because he didn't actually lie (ie, I didn't ask him) then he did nothing wrong.

[cocochanel21]

If it was me I'd be off.

My dd had a drug addiction she also believed it wasn't a problem.

Sometimes I used to wish it was DH with the addiction because I would have left and never looked back.

Good luck.

[Drugsarebad]

Does once a month (ish) . . class as an addiction?

[BeeRose30]

Run away, now. I know that's easier said than done, but it will only get worse.

[BeeRose30]

Does once a month (ish) . . class as an addiction?

Does it really matter? He's choosing to do something which is detrimental not only to your relationship, but his own wellbeing. Whether he's addicted or not, he clearly has no intention of giving up this habit. I spent 4 years with a man who used to 'just' do coke every few weeks and the odd bit of weed. He's now a heroin addict and completely unrecognisable from the man I loved. I'm glad I finally left him, but still regret the years I spent trying to help him. Don't make the same mistake.

[cocochanel21]

Why does he need to take cocaine once a month?

Don't think anybody starts out believing they will become an addict.

[Drugsarebad]

Unfortunately, where we live, it is quite common for people to recreationally take cocaine. mainly on nights out. He always regrets it and has in the past put it down to poor decision making after a few pints. but the last time he went and got it when he was completely sober.

When he was younger, he used to do it a lot more often. I just thought that by 35 it would have stopped completely.

[moonfacebaby]

If it doesn't sit well with you, then you aren't compatible/it's a boundary for you.

Personally, once a month wouldn't bother me...but I have dabbled with various drugs on & off most of my adult life, so I do have quite a tolerant attitude to it.

I most certainly am not an addict, it hasn't caused me any issues in terms of needing more of it.

I would have more issues with a boyfriend who was regularly getting drunk every weekend than I would with one who took coke once a month.

We all have different boundaries, and if he is crossing one that upsets you, then maybe you do need to move on.

[Drugsarebad]

Thanks moonface . . I think I set the boundaries and he hasn't respected them at all. I think I've created a situation where he can't talk about it, because he feels I would kick off, so he then lies about it instead, which is 10 times worse.

I did know that he did it before I got with him, so I knew what I was getting myself into.

The other thing that plays on my mind is that when he was ingle, he used to message girls when he was on coke, as it makes him horny. I hate the thought of him sat at home messaging other people when im not there.

[Drugsarebad]

*single . . not ingle!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Is it jut coke?
What about drink or smoking weed?

[Drugsarebad]

Drink isn't a problem. he has a couple of pints a few times a week, if that.

weed on the other hand - yes, he does smoke weed.

[moonfacebaby]

Op, the messaging girls would bother me - there is the side effect of getting the horn , and having had an ex who did this (or camgirls...ugh), I think there is a trust issue there too.

My ex also smoked weed - and that wasn't good for him at all. Terrible motivation, some mental health issues & a definite sticking-his-head-in-the-sand mentality.

I think drug use is one of those things that can take over & lead to addiction if they have that kind of personality. That's why I've been able to dabble - I don't have an addictive personality & it doesn't happen regularly. There's always a risk too - but so far, I have been lucky.

I wouldn't be happy with the lying or covering it up either.

[WannaBe]

Only you know your boundaries. for me even a one off line of coke would be a dealbreaker, not just because of the drugs themselves but because of everything the drug industry represents.

It's true that you did know he'd done drugs before you two got together and chose to accept that, however if this is now becoming a problem for you then you're not obliged to stay with him. I wouldn't.

[Drugsarebad]

I found a message on his phone that was clearly a response to something he had written . . (and when I checked the date, it was when I was away)

'hi XXX, yeh im good thanks, was lovely to see you too, hope all is well' . .
he had deleted the message that he had sent.

I don't think in this particular case that I have anything to worry about. as I know the girl, and we had seen her a few weeks beforehand. but it made me wonder what else he has deleted.

his weed smoking has spiralled. it used to be a joint once in a while, but now its a joint or 2 every single night, with pipes in between, to keep him topped up I guess.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I knew weed would be an issue.
They seem to go hand in hand.
So he IS a drug addict.
So what are you going to do about it?

[CoteDAzur]

"Does once a month (ish) . . class as an addiction?"

No.

I'd be more worried about his daily weed smoking tbh.

[Drugsarebad]

yeh point taken actually. I've been really tolerant, as I didn't really think it effected him too badly, but I think over time, he has become a bit dependant on it.

Thinking about it now, I think that me putting my foot down about the coke, made him turn to weed more, as I didn't complain. it's like he needs some kind of 'naughty' in his life.

don't get me wrong - I love a glass of wine, and have the (very) occasional ciggie when I've had a drink, but I definitely could do without both for a while if I needed/wanted to.

[Drugsarebad]

hellsbells

In all honesty, I don't know what I'm going to do. Do I say to him that he needs to stop the weed smoking? cut down? or do I just accept that we aren't compatible?

[Choughed]

Just end the relationship. If he really wanted to change he would have done so by now.

Can you imagine being married to him or having kids with him?

Can you remember times he let you down because of drugs?

[Drugsarebad]

choughed . . yes, he has let me down a number of times.

It's the lies that I can't cope with. I have found it in his wallet after snooping (to prove to myself that I wasn't going crazy) and he STILL denied it and said it was someone elses!

that was a while ago, but I still think about it now.