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I'm never going to have another relationship

(15 Posts)
Sandinmytoes Tue 15-Mar-16 18:40:59

And I feel like my own life is over.

My husband died
He was emotionally abusive, lied, cheated and we were separating, so I have a lot of conflicting emotions there. Mostly I hate him. He was unspeakable vile

He was my main relationship, no-one else I could really even call a boyfriend. We were good together for a while.
It's been 15 years since I flirted.
I can't ever imagine trusting anyone again.
I'm happy in my own company.
I really just want to be alone most of the time.
I don't go anywhere to meet anyone.
I'm old, overweight.
But I was smart, funny, lively. Once

But really, is this it?!

HoppingForward Tue 15-Mar-16 18:44:55

You must be feeling very torn right now sad

Beside relationships what do you do for you, hobbies, interests is there anything you wish you could have done and now can?

barnet Tue 15-Mar-16 18:49:17

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, and it is great that you enjoy your own company. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, make changes for yourself if you want to.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 15-Mar-16 18:53:33

If you would like to be in a loving relationship there's no reason why you can't be.

Take your time to grieve what you have lost and make yourself your project. If you don't want to be overweight, look at what you can do to change it etc but if you want to be alone, be alone. You chose how you live your life.

Toomuchinfo1 Tue 15-Mar-16 18:59:30

Sorry what you have been through OP, it sounds awful. Not sure if i'm all that great at advice, but I would say that working on your confidence should maybe be the first step, & work on your happiness.

You never know whats around the corner, but if you are in a good place personally then someone might come along unexpectedly.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 15-Mar-16 18:59:46

But really, is this it?!

This is it for now, whilst feelings are raw and you want to be on your own and enjoying your own company. But these feeling might not last. You may not feel as strongly about the difficult memories and you may fancy going out one evening a week to pursue a hobby and meet new friends...

Oasis888 Tue 15-Mar-16 19:01:14

No, it's totally not it for you. Single or otherwise it really doesn't have to be it for you.
Give yourself time and then do all that you can to live the rest of your life in happiness, what ever that means to you.
That was your past. You have the opportunity now to have things / a life that you want in the future. No one else has to affect you like that again.

lukasgrahamfan Tue 15-Mar-16 19:20:20

I also made a decision not to have a relationship again when I was 53 a long time ago , after many happy times in long term relationships...but being let down/hurt in the end. I cannot do it again, far too painful and I value my mental health so no one is going to threaten that.

I live alone, want to be left alone most of the time too, and enjoy my own company, don't go out much, never meet new people, am older...and mostly content with that. I'm an introvert though.

It's been liberating, taking pressure off, lessening stress and the freedom is wonderful. I have lots of interests but often think 'Is this it?' too. If it is, I accept that, I've loads of good memories and many are widowed/divorced etc by my age anyway, it's life.

Therefore I constantly motivate myself to do something different, learn something, go somewhere new, find new activities. But deep down I've always been like this and it sounds like you have changed OP, which you might be finding upsetting as you sound as if you have been more extrovert.

I've never made a partner the passport to being happy, it has not been the be all and end all to me....too independent.

It does take a long time to adjust to loss and life changes and to grieve so maybe you will find the old 'you' again as you eventually find life can be good. You can do whatever you like to make you feel fulfilled and at peace, it's all out there. Make plans for the spring/summer and find a new activity, set small goals. I love the simple things in life primarily, and enjoy them each day.

Your life is not over, it's waiting for you.

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 15-Mar-16 19:29:18

Your life is not over!

FWIW: I'm 34, divorced and reasonably certain that I won't find anyone again because ... reasons. Most men find me incredibly intimidating (yes, I've been told this by several men I've been interested in and a bunch of male friends) and the ones who don't are typically full of themselves and either think they deserve better or don't stand a chance because I deserve better than a self-infatuated prick, too!

I just make sure to focus on the stuff that actually matters to me: my friends and family, my career and my hobbies. I'm actually very happy!

CiaoVerona Tue 15-Mar-16 19:34:33

I suspect you are grieving am sure you're thinking why do I feel this way for the man you've described.

Its quite normal in these circumstances too feel a sense of loss a large part of your life is now closed off for good these feelings won't last for ever.

The good news is the future is what you make of it you can have any relationship of your choice when the time is right.You will be okay.

Sandinmytoes Tue 15-Mar-16 21:07:52

Lukasgrahamfan- love your post, it's quite inspiring!
And ds has been singing 7years all week!

I am independent, always have been
I'm more introverted now, but not shy.
I just don't have a lot of time and patience for people.

I think confidence is a big factor, I've lost it all.
I look in the mirror and just want to cry sometimes.
It's getting old too, menopause looming large.
We have a dog now, which forces me to get out, but I'm finding it quite stressful.
Force myself to take him for walks, but I can't leave him alone for too long, so I'm restricting myself a bit there.
Desperately need bit of attention to my appearance, haircut etc. Will try to do that this week.

We're doing ok, we're OK financially, moved house,, fresh start.

But I'm just exhausted most of the time and very unmotivated.
I know these things take time, but it's been a year now, so I really need to pull my socks up and get my act into gear.
I've never really known what I wanted to do, no burning ambitions, I had a very successful career, but now the thought of any kind of job where I have to interact with people fills me with dread.
Fortunately I'm able to earn a living from home right now.

Magicalhamsandwich-oh to be 34 again!

I don't think I have to have a man to be happy, not at all.
But it's a bit depressing as I can't really see how I am ever going to have male company again.
And sex, I really liked it! I'll miss it.
I couldn't have nsa sex, and how would I ever trust anyone again?

Morasssassafras Wed 16-Mar-16 10:18:03

Given that your ex was abusive it would probably be a good idea for you to do some work on yourself to try to ensure that any future partner is not abusive. The Freedom Programme would be good for that.

I also think you sound quite depressed. Is that something you could speak to your gp about?

Is this it? Doesn't have to be but you'll need to be proactive about working out what you want and getting it.

Sandinmytoes Wed 16-Mar-16 11:28:41

I've been to the gp at least 6 times about anxiety and depression. They just order blood tests. I don't think I'm depressed, miserable, but not properly depressed. I've had antidepressants before and they did nothing.
I'm more inclined to think I'm peri menopausal, but blood tests don't show it.
I'll go back again, I think I need to insist on something

I did the freedom program online, not sure I did it properly as it was very basic.
And I'm not sure I want to hash over all the abuse again.
I feel like I'm through it.

I did get some counselling, she was great, but again I feel like going over it all us just a step backwards

cupcakesandwine Wed 16-Mar-16 17:49:33

A year is really not that long and there is no prescribed timeframe for getting over such a doubly traumatic experience anyway! You'll move on in your own time.

I have chosen not to have another relationship again after divorcing 3 years ago. I was with my exH for 30 years and married for over 20 when I found out that he had pretty much cheated on me throughout. He's not a nice man, very emotionally abusive, never, ever complimented me on anything and was great at finding fault with me. I do think that a relationship like that leaves you damaged and I have no desire to put myself at risk of more treatment like that ever again.

However, I'm pretty happy most of the time now. I have a job and friends and teenage DC. I want to clean out all memories of my past life - I'm in the process of selling the former family home because I want a fresh start. I have a much stronger sense of me as I think I disappeared under his ego during my marriage and I am pretty happy with who I am.

I won't ever live with anyone or marry them again, but I could see the day when I might want a nice FWB, with the emphasis on the friend part. Nothing too deep or demanding because I believe men always cheat and that the only person you can rely on is yourself and I will build that expectation into my plans for the future.

All of that might sound a bit dreary but it honestly isn't. I live life on my own terms now and many times I wake at night and read for an hour and think "I could never have done this before" plus no man is ever going to get anywhere near my beautiful linen sheets! My bed is my sanctuary and it's staying that way.

Sandinmytoes Thu 17-Mar-16 11:53:18

Thanks cupcakes- it doesn't sound dreary at all, sounds peaceful!

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