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Shall I keep trying

(47 Posts)
Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 21:51:31

First time posting and I'm scared about what might come back, please be kind. I'm sorry if post too long.

I turned 50 last year and my youngest DC left home to go to university shortly afterwards. My other DC is now living and working in London. We have been living overseas for four years due to DH job. Just for the record I have always worked until leaving the UK but it makes no financial sense here and I don't have the languages.

The point to all this is that in November I had a feeling something wasn't right, we had a row and DH threw his phone at me as I asked to check his messages. He then fell asleep and I went through the phone and found messages to and from a female colleague . They had pet names for each other and though I saw nothing sexual they had planned a night away together and were messaging several times a day.

I confronted DH immediately and he has given me a range of excuses but always swore blind nothing physical happened. Mainly it was an ego boost he says. I was still very upset and we had a month of counselling before Christmas. I felt we were getting somewhere but then looked at his phone one night and it had started again. The hurt was awful & still is, I asked why and he said he just drifted into it again.

So now we're in March and he swears it's over but he travels a lot with her for work and every time I am in pieces, if he doesn't call I start losing the plot and calling him constantly but he refuses to answer, says he's with customers/colleagues/not prepared to put up with this shit etc etc.

I'm frightened of the future without him but I'm also frightened of still feeling like this in another year or another 5 years when maybe he's done it again. I feel before we left the UK I had some independence although we decided early on that he could earn more than me and that one of us needed to be there for the children as much as possible. I still worked 25-30 hrs per week.

I now have no children at home, no job, not many friends and a husband. who has cheated, emotionally if nothing else. I'm feeling so lonely & I wish so much that I'd never left the UK but don't have the finances to return on my own. He told me that he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again because he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to see a counsellor to try and understand. He now says he has no time to see a counsellor and he doesn't think I need to worry he won't do it again.

I sound so pathetic reading this back, I just want the future I thought I had. Do I stay and wait it out or try and find a way to return to the UK?

mum2mum99 Mon 14-Mar-16 22:08:50

You have seen the evidence.
I does not seem you are truly happy there, are you?
Rebuilding the trust takes some hard work and for him to show that he is willing to do it. I am not sure I am reading this in your post.
Maybe it is time for you to start living for yourself a bit.

Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 22:16:09

Thank you, It might be time but I just don't know how. I think I still love him and we've been together nearly 25 years.

haveacupoftea Mon 14-Mar-16 22:50:11

Come home. Get your life back. If he loves you, he'll make the effort to make it work. You dont even necessarily have to leave him. But you aren't happy, unemployed and socially isolated in a foreign country, husband or no husband. Maybe your DC in London will put you up for a while til you get on your feet?

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 14-Mar-16 22:53:05

Divorce him then you should have the finances to go home. He's a hideous twat for treating you so badly and being so horrible about the anxiety he's caused in you. Cold horrible man.

Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 23:00:06

He has been cold at times, if I don't confront then all is calm, when I get stressed about him spending time with her, he gets angry with me for not trusting him. The problem is that I don't. Apparent,y when it started she came into his office and blatantly stated that she wanted sex with him and every time they are away together all I can think is that it could go further when though he tells me it won't. He really expects that to be enough for me and gets angry when I question him. Maybe I should be able to believe him - what do you all think?

Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 23:03:25

Thank you. DD would if she could but first house share so it's not possible for me to stay. She's very angry with her dad but that's another worry. DS at uni.

kinga1981 Mon 14-Mar-16 23:16:25

Sorry to hear stuff like this. Hope you sort it outsmile Don't hide your feelings though, sooner or later you can become depressed or sad or uncomfortable with yourself. That's not a good situation to be in. Try and stand up for yourself, your feelings and rights. He fell in love with you in the first place, so you are still the same woman, don't give up on yourself. Talk to him, if you feel isolated , express your feelings and act upon them.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Mar-16 23:19:55

Your husband regularly goes away with the woman he is shagging. Tell us again what you are trying to make yourself "believe" ? confused

Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 23:24:13

He says no sex but she asked for it.... His job is all we have now and I am begging him to get a new position, he says he is trying but I'm not convinced. Tonight he said that he doesn't get why I don't want him worming there and that I can trust him but I don't feel that I can.

Emptynestx2 Mon 14-Mar-16 23:28:45

They have to go away for work but the plan I discovered was private. I don't know how many times they were together that I didn't know about. What I really don't understand is why he hasn't left, I've asked him to go to her if that's what he wants and he says no. We are in a rented house so I can't see any reason why he's staying of not because he wants to be with me - I don't think I can claim for anything financially from him at this stage in our lives?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Mar-16 23:28:50

I agree that you cannot trust him. He doesn't sound remotely trustworthy.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 15-Mar-16 00:58:45

Apparently when it started she came into his office and blatantly stated that she wanted sex with him

Is he a Clooney lookalike or rich as Murdoch Croesus? If not, I'm disinclined to believe the ow did anything of the sort and more inclined to the view that your h is engaged in an extramarital sleazy affair with a colleague which may contravene company policy.

He told me that he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again because he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to see a counsellor to try and understand He doesn't need a counsellor to 'understand' his inability to keep his flies zipped and stay true to his marriage vows in the face of temptation.

He now says he has no time to see a counsellor and he doesn't think I need to worry he won't do it again Won't do what again? Get found out or keep on dipping his wick in the ow? Not much reassurance for you here, OP, as he's rewritten the 'cake and eat it' charter so beloved by philanderers the world over.

As for what you would be entitled to on divorce, assuming that you were married in the UK and file your petition in the UK courts, for starters at least half of the joint marital assets that have been accumulated during your marriage, 50% of his pension pot, and spousal support subject to negotiation and most probably limited to a finite number of years.

Although you may not be able to afford to resettle in the UK at the present tiime, do you have any friends/relatives you could visit for a week or so in order to seek legal advice? If your eldest dc can accomodate you it wouldn't be necessary for you to disclose their df's infidelity if they're as yet blissfully ignorant of his shenanigans.

Joysmum Tue 15-Mar-16 09:55:17

Your thread asks 'shall I keep trying?'

I ask you, 'how is HE trying?'

There's no point if he's not trying as you can't try enough for both of you.

Emptynestx2 Tue 15-Mar-16 10:31:38

He says that nothing good happened, just messages and has sworn even though they had planned to go away they would have separate rooms, as I'm typing I'm thinking what kind of idiot am I?! The thing is we've been together so long now and moved countries I really want to believe him and to be honest I find it difficult not to when he's in front of me. What I can't cope with is the fact they still spend so much time together, I've begged him to look for another job but I don't think he is and he gets angry when I ask, I feel I'm going round in circles.

Emptynestx2 Tue 15-Mar-16 10:57:56

Sorry type - 'says nothing happened' meaning he didn't sleep with her. No he's no Adonis just a regular middle aged man

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Mar-16 11:19:25

Well no-one can know for sure other than your 'D'H and the OW but I would put money on the fact they have slept together. A lot!

You need to ask him to give you some money so you can get away.
You don't trust him (unsurprisingly). He's doing nothing at all to regain your trust. He shouts when you challenge it and he ignores your calls when you are worrying. THAT is NOT a man trying to regain your trust.

A couple of books might help if you do want to work on things.
But..... a big BUT - he needs to read them too.
THIS and THIS

In answer to your title question - Would you keep flogging a dead horse???

BolshierAryaStark Tue 15-Mar-16 12:36:56

He is doing nothing to reassure you or make this right. He's even told you he can't guarantee it wont happen again, why are you letting him walk all over you?
Come home to the UK & divorce the fucker. Did you sell a house here to move abroad? If so where is the money from that?

Emptynestx2 Wed 13-Jul-16 14:15:52

I'm bumping this thread just for support really - I don't know what I want I just feel a bit lost.

In the months since March we have been up and down, he's generally ok with me although at no point has he been apologetic or asked what I need. I think he honestly thinks it's all over and I should be fine. I got upset again last night and he just said he doesn't understand what's wrong with me. I just feel I'm not good enough any more and feeling very down about myself.

StaleOreo Wed 13-Jul-16 14:25:28

I think you need to consider if this is how you want to continue living.

I don't think for one minute that he was truthful with you when you first posted . about this.
Sounds as if nothing has changed. He's still working there, not supportive of you, hasn't reassured you. Is this how it is?

Emptynestx2 Wed 13-Jul-16 14:49:50

I think his attitude to me has changed a bit, he seems a bit more gentle but no nothing has changed really, if I try to talk he says he doesn't want to go through it all again, refuses to talk and then starts the next day as though everything is fine, I mostly just go with this as I don't know what else to do, he gives me a kiss as he leaves the house and comes home at the end of the day as if nothing was ever said and mostly it feels just too much to start discussing/arguing again but it's still all inside. I feel if we could have a fresh start it might be ok but he's barely applied for any jobs and gets angry if I mention it.

Joysmum Wed 13-Jul-16 22:26:35

As I said before, how is he trying? You can't try enough for both of you so if he can't acknowledge the pain he's caused and tried to give you what you need to move past this then you never will.

Emptynestx2 Thu 14-Jul-16 07:32:52

I know what you're saying Joysmum but I just don't know what to do, I just want to feel happy again, I just don't know if it's beyond hope or if it's better to just do what he does and try and ignore it.

OnTheRise Thu 14-Jul-16 07:46:36

If I were you I'd find counselling or therapy to go to on my own. It will help you improve your own self esteem, it will help you be kinder to yourself, and it will help you think things through clearly and without self-blame.

Once you've done all that, you'll feel better about what to do next, and how to move on in a positive way.

smilingeyes11 Thu 14-Jul-16 08:03:53

he isn't even sorry nor is he being truthful. Why are you tolerating this. You need to find your self esteem and bloody well get rid and let him run off to his little miss colleague. Because it is clear he is still seeing her. He has no intention of stopping.

You have tried ignoring and that is making you utterly miserable. How is clinging onto this liar making you happy?

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