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I thought things were great .... but!

(19 Posts)
needhelpandadvice Mon 14-Mar-16 21:28:33

ok so spilt with EA husband last year and met someone who I have known for a couple of years as friends but decided to go on a few dinner dates to see how we got on.

We have been spending time together and we get on great. He is the most caring, thoughtful man I have ever met, apart from my dad!

But it seems he is very inexperienced with sex, from what he says he has had 2 partners from long relationships both of whom cheated numerous times but he stayed as he loved them.

He gets nervous although aroused and backs off, its like he has decided he cant please me sexually. Im not highly sexed but at the same time it feels weird that he prefers to kiss, hug and hold me most of the time??

He puts in loads of effort in every other way to make up for this I feel.

I know its silly but can I do anything to help him get more confident.

BigQueenBee Mon 14-Mar-16 21:41:06

I'm sorry but I think there is a lack of chemistry going on.
I met a perfect man a couple of years ago; ticked every box except in the bedroom. Turned out he was rather asexual and something of a mummies boy.
Don't flog a dead horse; it isn't your fault he's not into sex.
I wonder if his exes were frustrated at his lack of sex drive too and turned to other men to satisfy their needs?
He is probably a great bloke to have as a friend and I'm sure he will meet his kindred spirit one day.
You can't change who he is; he's just not the man for you.

needhelpandadvice Mon 14-Mar-16 21:51:13

Yes maybe that's what it is. He says he grew up in a house hold where sex was deemed a bit wrong.

Just not sure. We enjoy everything else, touch wise etc and all that is great but when it come to actual sex he seems to get quite nervous and just cant go through with it.

BigQueenBee Mon 14-Mar-16 22:03:56

How old is this man?
Regardless of his parents perceptions of sex ( well they must have done it right?) surely he has worked out that sex isn't something dirty by now.
Is he "odd" in other ways?

needhelpandadvice Mon 14-Mar-16 22:17:23

He is in his 50s, no he is really quite down to earth in every other way.

BigQueenBee Mon 14-Mar-16 22:23:55

You might get a better response on Netmums. This site is all about clever quirky remarks. You wont get much traffic from the users on here I'm afraid
Not contentious enough or thought provoking.

ScarletForYa Mon 14-Mar-16 22:26:02

Oh no. Run. He's only had two sexual partners and he's fifty! He also stayed with two women who cheated on him?

Makes him sound very passive and weak.

Bad signs. He sounds a bit of a lame duck.

Nullipara Mon 14-Mar-16 22:26:36

hmm maybe you need netmums wink'queen'

mum2mum99 Tue 15-Mar-16 08:13:31

not a great catch! Unless you can live without sex.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 15-Mar-16 08:18:14

Discuss your concerns and see what your gut feeling is

Does he watch porn? Masturbate?

Remember this: you aren't the problem he is, maybe he stayed because he felt the cheating was his fault because he couldn't perform, maybe that is why he was cheated on?

They felt starved of sex......intimacy etc

Trills Tue 15-Mar-16 08:20:45

Nice job blaming the person who was cheated on.

Trills Tue 15-Mar-16 08:21:46

Have you spoken to him about this?

Just as you have with us?

There's nothing that we can suggest that doesn't start with talking to him about it.

tinktock1357 Tue 15-Mar-16 08:31:44

what's wrong with only having two sexually partners scarlet my DP has only had sex with me and I've only had 3 myself.

if I was you I'd talk to him tell him how you feel there might be a reason why and he needs to confront it. I wouldn't just get rid of him without him explaining why first.

HippyPottyMouth Tue 15-Mar-16 08:34:50

How long have you been seeing him? Maybe he needs a bit of time to warm up and feel comfortable. My DH did, I was keen to go further faster than he was, then he had a bit of performance anxiety. There was nothing sinister in it, he'd been single for a few years and was very self-conscious about a bad psoriasis flare-up. If he's otherwise nice, give him time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 15-Mar-16 11:50:51

If you are attracted to him I would persevere. After the first time he may have got it into his head it's not goiing to happen so a pattern has formed.

It sounds like he's got some emotional baggage from the past. It must be frustrating but keep talking build up trust and try to relax. Perhaps continue with touch - maybe massage, but avoid focus on any genitals. He evidently likes to get close with kissing and hugging so keep things light, cuddling and spooning. Have you tried showering together?

needhelpandadvice Tue 15-Mar-16 20:47:41

That's the thing, he is the most attentive, caring man I have come across!!

He will basically do anything for me. He is great with the kissing and hugging, and we have slowly been doing other things as he admitted that he was unsure if he was doing it right or if he was any good! I think there is a big lack of confidence.

BigQueenBee Tue 15-Mar-16 22:07:06

I think we all have very unreal expectations about sex because we are exposed to so much info about how to be the perfect lover.
Sex usually is a bit pants with a new partner, but you kind of learn what works for you both by trial and error.
I have never had earth moving orgasms with a new man at the first or even 10 th attempt.
It's a slow process of getting to know what buttons to press.
Is he willing to give this a try?

lorelei9 Wed 16-Mar-16 20:55:42

Id let him go at his own pace
Anything else seems a bit pushy tbh.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Wed 16-Mar-16 21:13:04

Previous partners cheating has clearly knocked his confidence - I totally disagree that you should end things just because of this.

It seems like he is willing to put the effort in and if you allow him to go at his own pace and give lots of positive signals you might end up with someone who is unselfish in bed. It could work out well in the end smile

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