Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you believe what your gut tells you or your head?

(24 Posts)
throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 14:18:33

Can i ask what level people attribute to believing gut versus head?

Not really important, but just for my own closure I was just involved with someone who did my head in because I believed that he really loved me but was in denial over it. I know that sounds silly but I just felt I knew in my gut that he cared about me much more than he admitted to himself even though his actions often told the opposite story, not always but sometimes and I just wanted to know - do you trust your gut or just look at the facts?

Not thinking of taking him back.

Just confused and want to settle my mind.

Dellarobia Sat 12-Mar-16 14:20:27

Personally I think with my head more than with my heart. I think facts speak louder than feelings.

Also, he sounds like a bit of a twat.

ProfessorPickles Sat 12-Mar-16 14:26:45

I tend to go with my gut, or I do now.
In the past I'd get a gut feeling about something and ignore it as I have no proof or specific reason to feel this way, turns out I was right on many occasions. So now I try to pay more attention to my instincts as they seem to be right!

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 14:28:09

Every single instinct I have got tells me that we're in love and he just doesn't want to be. I know that doesn't change the situation or make it better but it's easy to move on if you have a clearer mind.

It's really annoying like my head and heart and in complete disagreement

TheNewSchmoo Sat 12-Mar-16 14:28:26

I don't think HE sounds a bit of a twat. Poor bloke! Sounds like wishful thinking on the OPs part. If he really loved you, there would be nothing to be in denial about.

RomiiRoo Sat 12-Mar-16 14:33:39

'We are in love. He just doesn't want to be'

Then step away. There is no 'we' if someone doesn't want to be in love with you.

Head - rationally, you cannot make someone want to be in love with you

Heart - Why would you want to? That way heartbreak leads. Instinct can only tell you how YOU feel, not someone else.

Floggingmolly Sat 12-Mar-16 14:34:11

Does it matter? You can only trust your gut in relation to what you feel; you can't tell someone else their feelings aren't valid because they don't conform to your gut (so to speak).

iknowimcoming Sat 12-Mar-16 14:37:02

What Molly said! You can't have a gut feeling about someone else's feelings, move on! You shouldn't have to persuade someone that they love you, find someone better!

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Mar-16 14:55:46

I believed that he really loved me but was in denial over it

You conned yourself into believing that he 'really loved you'.

I just felt I knew in my gut that he cared about me much more than he admitted to himself even though his actions often told the opposite story

As your guts don't have any beliefs as such, you imposed your belief that he cared about you 'much more than he admitted' on them.

This is either a case of you not listening to what your brain and your guts were telling you, or of you not being attuned to your mind or your body because your desperate desire to be loved by this man got the better of you.

Before you embark on any more amourous liaisons I suggest you do some soul-searching and address your emotional neediness.

LionsLedge Sat 12-Mar-16 15:02:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 15:06:02

I did say I had walked away and this question was only for my closure.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 15:07:36

Also, can i say, to be fair....I have had plenty of people not in love with me before. Plenty of men have not liked me back as much as I liked them...so it's not a case of me making stuff up to make myself feel better. I've never done that before.

NNalreadyinuse Sat 12-Mar-16 15:29:39

I think that believing he is in denial about loving you is wishful thinking. A man who truly loves you and wants to be with you will say so imho.
I think it is important to judge people by how they behave towards you. Did he put you first? Was he kind and thoughtful? Was he respectful of your opinions etc?

Generally I do trust my gut feeling but it has forced me to look at other aspects of the relationship - gut feeling wasn't the only clue that something wasn't right.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Mar-16 15:37:40

Plenty of men have not liked me back as much as I liked them

In which case you need to work out what it was about this particular man that caused you to project feelings on to him that he didn't possess.

I'm aware that you walked away and well done for doing so, but the fact that you are looking for 'closure' shows that you have unresolved issues to work through.

Did he have charisma, was he a particularly good 'catch', did he seem uniquely suited to you, did a combination of circumstances cause you to ascribe these feelings to him, or was it a case of the fates being misaligned?

Discovering the reason why you chose to overlook the fact that "his actions often told the opposite story" will add to your self-knowledge and act as a brake should there be a 'next time'.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sat 12-Mar-16 15:49:45

I think the "gut feeling" thing is still the brain, it's just that we're picking up on those subtle clues and body language without registering them, if that makes sense.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 16:15:42

Not to say I have a habit of men not liking me back - I have just experienced both men loving me and not loving me and this one feels like he does that's the best way to explain it.

If I am projecting, no, I have absolutely no idea why I would. No, there's nothing special about him compared to anyone else and he's not massively eligible or a great catch at all - I have better options on that front. Yes, I am in love with him, but I thought he was in love with me for a long time before I started to return that feeling.

I am not creating my gut feeling out of thin air or anything. There are things which support it.

For a start, it’s him who chases after me and has done consistently for a very long time...it's one of those situations where I could snap my fingers and he'd be here. He's admitted he thinks it will always be like that with me. He'd also always be there for me if something was wrong and if I was upset it's almost like he becomes upset too and will do anything to help or sort it out. I've never seen him chase after any other girl the same way or have an attachment like that. We did see each other in a romantic sense for a while (what he wanted) but I ended it due to his actions being conficting and leaving me confused. He acted a lot of the time like most men have done with me in the past when they were in love. Racing to see me like it was the most urgent thing in the world, phoning all the time, asking if he could come over to help me set up my new TV. He admit openly that he has a very powerful attraction to me, a powerful attachment to me, that he's not had with anyone else, also admits he can tell me anything, that he feels happier with me than anyone else and says he has a "love of being with me". He says that when I am gone he gets completely miserable and really misses me. He keeps little things I gave him, like stupid stuff like a wine cork and he obviously follows every move I make online. The way his face changed when I said I had a date with someone else (although we agreed we would) and he just looked so aghast and then quickly corrected his face. Then also the physical things, like the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me, the way he wants to sit awake all night talking and having sex about a hundred times a day even when he's in physical pain from over doing it. The way he keeps every single photo or video of me and has deleted everything else to make space on his phone and he admits he looks at them all the time. The way he smells my hair and actually wants to have those long conversations about childhoods and future hopes and all of that stuff.

But he says he doesn't want to be with me in a proper relationship, which was why I walked away but I do just think that he's in denial because it doesn't seem to match up with many other things. I think he's very confused and doesn't know what he wants.

I did end it and stopped seeing him, but of course I feel pretty bad about it and was sitting there wondering - like you say - if I had just imagined it all sad

Maybe just trying to make myself feel better about being rejected.

Probably. It feels pretty horrible.

Like you say maybe it's as simple as if he felt how i did then I'd not be writing this.

Sorry...can't help but wish for it.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 16:17:44

when I say his actions told the opposite story...it was really the obvious things like not wanting to meet my family and the clear "action" signs you get when someone is serious about you.

so I suppose what I am talking about here is mixed messages?

But also a very clear statement that he didn't want to be in a rlationship with me- -marked with a lot of words actions and general vibes of the opposite which is very confusing

VulcanWoman Sat 12-Mar-16 16:30:30

Sounds like he's afraid of commitment and getting hurt. How long were you going out together.

SilverBirchWithout Sat 12-Mar-16 16:37:56

Sounds like he likes the fluffy romantic sexy parts of your relationship and how this makes him feel. But he really get be arsed to have a real adult relationship doing ordinary everyday stuff.

Thank goodness he is honest enough with himself to recognise that.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 16:39:36

Going out together is stretching it but it was jsut sort of some strange thing of hanging out together and constantly kissing/ cuddling and doing boyfriend / girlfriend things and I just thought that was where it was going but apparently I was wrong and was really shocked when he said he didn't want that. Not that I ever asked him, but the mixed messages were mad.

Like he would tell me he didn't feel comfortable going as my date to a family party but then he'd get very upset that I took someone else.

It went on for about 3 or 4 months like that and just did my head in completely. He wasn't in or out and I kept feeling very hurt by the little rejections and then so confused when he just seemed so bloody upset when I wasn't with him.

SilverBirchWithout Sat 12-Mar-16 16:44:54

I also suspect he has another woman somewhere in his life. The game playing is his way of assuaging any of his guilt.

Run like the wind if he contacts you again.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 17:09:32

I hope that's not the case sad

SilverBirchWithout Sat 12-Mar-16 17:51:03

Don't want to make any assumptions here. But a good friend had a relationship with a man for several months. He was kind, sensitive, they had an amazing sex-life. He would stay over and he got on well with her 3 children.

Only problem was he didn't want to 'go public' with their relationship at work (they worked in same building), or introduce her to his family or friends, and only once or twice took her to his place (which he shared with 3 other people). They eventually split up as she began to feel like his dirty little secret.

Fast forward a couple of years she discovered that he was actually living with one of the women he shared a house with and telling her that he was visiting his parents whenever he stayed over at my DFs.

throaty222 Sat 12-Mar-16 17:58:41

Oh no it can't be that...he was pretty public that he was seing me and like I said chased me for a long time and I knew him pretty well!

Can't say he didn't have anyone else on the go though. Really hope not, but I did catch him at a very insecure time of his life so maybe there was an element of that going on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now