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How do you argue or 'put forward an alternative point of view' when you're scared of confrontation

(8 Posts)
YoJesse Fri 11-Mar-16 22:41:22

I posted disastrously in AIBU a few weeks back thinking I was totally justified in feeling pissed off with dh's family for not supporting his recovery around drink and drugs. I got wasted whilst posting which completely fucked the point I was trying to make and I got rightly flamed for it.
I've looked at stuff like enabling and codependance since then and do recognise myself in these. I don't want to be these things and secretly do feel really angry at DH but can't express this outright. I literally cannot argue. I'm so sure I'm in the wrong and so scared of confrontation I don't know how ill ever confront him head on. I want to do this to move on and keep what is really a good relationship alive.

If anyone read the previous post, things are still good but delicate in terms of recovery.

HopeClearwater Fri 11-Mar-16 23:26:29

I didn't read your previous posts. Have you been to Al-Anon? I would definitely recommend going to a few meetings (at least a few!!) as these are safe and understanding places in which to express your anger and distress and to learn more about addiction and its effect on both the addict and others around him/her.
I also think that many partners of addicts feel the way you do around confrontation.
flowers Have these.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 11-Mar-16 23:45:17

I want to do this to move on and keep what is really a good relationship alive

Tell him that you need to voice your feelings so that you, and he, can move forward with honesty as your bedrock and openness as the mortar that binds the bricks of your relationship.

There's no need to be confrontational, nor should expressing yourself in a reasoned manner lead to any argument, but if you don't feel confident about telling him how you feel I suggest you give consideration to couples counselling where a third party will be present which generally serves to create a calm space that facilitates calm communication although, of course, any pent up feelings caused by a real or imagined need to exercise a more judicious use of words than those ordinarily resorted to may spill over on the way home at a later date.

YoJesse Fri 11-Mar-16 23:50:33

I've suggested couples counciling before but he hates the idea. I will try al anon. I called them some months back but have never attended a meeting.

I still find myself siding with him and his opinions even if deep down I don't agree. I seriously don't know why I do this.

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 11-Mar-16 23:57:03

I do remember your other thread OP. Everything from that, combined with what you've said here (siding with him even if you don't agree, recognizing codependent tendencies); what is it that is drawing you into staying with him? And I'm not asking that in a critical way - more that sometimes we find ourselves so much wanting to fix things, we don't actually look at the big picture.

Have you had any individual therapy?

YoJesse Sat 12-Mar-16 00:06:59

I don't know. I scared of change and the confrontation that it will stir up maybe. I'm not scared of him or anything like that. When I try to think of an answer to your question ' whats drawing you to stay with him'? It's like my mind goes blurry. I can't think of an answer.

I've never had any therapy. Again, I've thought about it but I'm not very pro active.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sat 12-Mar-16 00:12:17

You don't have to answer me, but maybe keep it in your head to think about when things are rough.

Maybe the first step would be talking to your own GP to see if you can get some sessions through the GPs surgery? That way it's only one person to deal with, to hopefully get the ball rolling.

You sound very emotionally worn out. How is your own support network at the moment? I remember what you were saying in regard to his family, but I don't know if you mentioned anything about your own support.

YoJesse Sat 12-Mar-16 00:19:30

My world is taken up with childcare. Because of his situation our social circle has slowly eroded away. I have a small group of lovely mum friends who don't have a clue about my real life. I can't talk in RL about whats going on. My family are lovely but again don't see us as a family often so I've hidden all the shit from them too.

My support is DH in a weird way. I feel like myself and relaxed listening to music and having a smoke with him. He's my best friend.

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