Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

need opinions, at a crossroads.

(12 Posts)
didntrealise Fri 11-Mar-16 09:23:07

You may need a drink in your hand cos this is long.

Separated from DH about eighteen months ago. Essentially cos of no sex and emotionally unavailable. We have a two year old. Good relationship - friends essentially and haven't got round to getting divorced. He has been very generous, allowing me to be a SAHM whilst DD is little. My career isn't sustainable with small child so intend to retrain when she goes to school.

Met someone a year ago. He's also separated, two teenage kids. From abroad (long distance) working in UK.

We've kept it very quiet from kids, his have taken his split very hard so we don't want to make the situation worse.

Now he has been offered a fantastic job back where he is from and he doesn't know what to do. On one hand the kids are happy at school here and have had a difficult time. I'm also in the mix.

On the other hand his mum is getting older and he would be much closer to her.

He's subtly asking me to make the decision - possibly dump him I think. Only now I've realised how much I feel for him. But I'm struggling to let go of my old life with DH. I don't think this is right for the children either.

What do I do?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 11-Mar-16 09:28:47

Based on what you have said and your circumstances I would face up to a future without your current partner.

ALaughAMinute Fri 11-Mar-16 09:42:32

What decision is he asking you to make exactly?

Does he want you to move so you can be together? If not, there's nothing much to decide is there?

HeddaGarbled Fri 11-Mar-16 10:00:28

Don't make the decision for him.

Don't dump him.

Don't move with him.

His decision to make, not yours.

That's not meant to be unsympathetic. I understand that if he decides to go, it will be hard for you.

lovefairylights Fri 11-Mar-16 10:05:36

I don't like the sound of how he is putting this all on to you.
Firstly he needs to make his own decision whether he is staying in the UK. What is the best balance of his career, his childrens stability and his mothers health. Then when he has chosen - its your call as to how that works for you, especially if he has chosen to leave.
Not that he will let you make the big decisions for his family - and then should they prove to be difficult lay the blame on you when he should have been a grown up and made his own decisions...

lovefairylights Fri 11-Mar-16 10:07:53

p.s. my answers would be different if you were further down the line in terms of your relationship and you had already combined your lives and your childrens lives in the UK. As you are not at that stage and it very much seems like early days I think that he should be taking more responsibility for the choices he wants to make and not shoving them onto you

TheNaze73 Fri 11-Mar-16 10:48:51

Think he's being a bit unfair on you there, delegating that one.
As HeddaGarbled said, it's totally his decision to make, not yours

Joysmum Fri 11-Mar-16 10:54:59

How could you up and leave here because you don't know if you can live together yet, the kids don't even know?

Had you even discussed moving in together prior to the job offer? Seems all to rushed to me.

MatildaTheCat Fri 11-Mar-16 10:55:30

He will go. Sadly you have filled a gap during his stay in the uk but as far as his other life is concerned you don't exist.

Sorry, it may be less painful to make a clean break as soon as possible. What does he actually say about it?

didntrealise Fri 11-Mar-16 11:09:47

You're all right, I know.

I think if it was fifteen years ago I'd have just gone fuck it and got on a plane with him, but it's not.

If it wasn't for all the children we'd have been talking about moving in together, I know we both feel very strongly. We've told each other.

It just really hurts.

Joysmum Fri 11-Mar-16 11:29:09

I bet it hurts, but if you've not even talked about moving in together and this has forced the issue, you'd not be doing the right thing by relocating, quite apart from your DC rights to have a relationship with her father flowers

didntrealise Fri 11-Mar-16 16:51:48

He's not taking the job. Thank god. I feel like I've had a stay of execution.

Thanks all for the grip giving. I needed it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now