Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support and advice for speaking out on DV

(12 Posts)
Lizanya74 Thu 10-Mar-16 10:13:46

Am reaching out for as much help and support as possible for a domestic violence incident that has left me homeless.
My kids have flown the nest and I met a new guy after 8 years of being single. All was going well and after 6 months we decided I would move in with him. I officially moved in in month 11 of the relationship. Things started to go down hill and he picked at everything I did. Rude and unnecessary comments about everything.
I'd like to add here that I had fled dv some 8 years earlier and had painfully and slowly rebuilt a life for me and my kids and ended up with a great job.
My partner and I went on holiday at Christmas on our own and he hit me for the first time - I was devastated. He made me lie to my kids so that I could have them spend new year with us.
Emotional abuse continued and then 15th February he beat me really badly. After a week of hiding in fear, with the help of a friend I confided in the police. Police saw my injuries - severe bruising, cut swollen lip and swollen neck from strangling and arrested ex. He appeared in court today charged with assault and pleaded not guilty in order for me to go to trial.
I'm in pieces, scared and upset. I'm looking for help and support and advice through this if anyone is out there. Thanks in advance. Oh and of course he is denying the photographic evidence and making out I'm a nutter xx

Lweji Thu 10-Mar-16 10:19:32

Hugs.
Glad you managed to get out and report him.

Do you have a place to stay? Have you moved out?
Have you told your children?

Please ignore anything he says. He'll say anything to save himself from jail. You just stick to what you know.
Don't enter conversations with him and if you haven't and he keeps pestering you, get a non-molestation order.

Lweji Thu 10-Mar-16 10:19:59

Have you contacted WA?

Lizanya74 Thu 10-Mar-16 10:35:34

Hi Lweji
Thanks for your message. I am currently staying with a female friend who I had been confiding in for the past few months via messages. These messages were really useful to the police too and they are using this as part of the evidence.
I have told me children and they are utterly devestated as they had begun to trust and like this man.
The night that he beat me I took photos as a reminder to him as to what he did. He denied it and laughed. It took a week of further bullying and being picked on by him that I left the house to meet my friend and break down. She asked for my permission to phone the police and it all became official from there. He's on bail not to contact me but so far has contacted me through a friend, contacted my daughter and after receiving a warning, contacted the police to get a message to me.
My world fell apart yesterday when I heard that he pleaded not guilty and that I will have to give evidence.
He is utterly convinced he is innocent and justified with his actions. He served 24 years in the army and was a sergeant major - surely at the stature he should know how wrong he is.
I'm really trying to stay strong - easier said than done as I can still hear his negativetity bouncing around in my head. He has no idea where I am and I have no intention of ever see or contacting him again.
I'm just scared he will turn this around on me and get away with it.
CID took photos of my injuries a week after the attack and they were shocked by who much bruising there still was

Lweji Thu 10-Mar-16 11:36:00

You will be ok. Do keep your firm boundaries in relation to him.

These men think they can do what they like, but eventually get a reality shock. Hopefully, he will get a bigger one than being arrested and attending court.
Talk to the prosecution about the best way to give evidence.
I'm not in the UK, but I was given the choice of giving evidence with ex in the room or not. So, it may not be as bad as you think it will. It could be cathartic, even.

Are you familiar with the Freedom Programme? It might help you identify red flags earlier on for future relationships and walk out earlier too.

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 10-Mar-16 16:39:56

I've been in your situation in my experience the court staff are very good at keeping you calm and answering your questions. You can request a screen so he's hidden while you give evidence
Take someone with you and remember you are not on trial - he is

goddessofsmallthings Thu 10-Mar-16 18:38:43

My world fell apart yesterday when I heard that he pleaded not guilty and that I will have to give evidence

Was it his first appearance in the Magistrates Court and do you know what the charge is, or charges are? Has a date been set for the case to be heard?

Please don't worry unduly as it's not uncommon for a not guilty plea to be entered in order to buy time/seek legal representation and he may plead guilty on the day.

Have you been in touch with Victim Support? www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Lizanya74 Thu 10-Mar-16 19:04:25

It was his first plea hearing and he went for not guilty. He has been charged with assault by beating. He had previously beat me on Christmas Day but we were on holiday in Spain and therefore they could not charge him with that. I took photos of the bruising and the CPS said that they would use that as bad character. I am struggling with the plea he made considering how I took photos of the injuries and the CID officers took photos of all my injuries and measurements.
I guess I'm struggling because I know what happened and deep down he knows too. For months before the violence started he would tell me that I mental and put doubt in my mind about everything.
I'm just really scared about going to court and his solicitor trying to make me out to be a liar.
I guess the only thing good in all this is that there is so much evidence. I'd been confiding in a close friend via text message to understand if his behaviour should be questioned. All of this evidence has been taken too. I would just love for it to be over so that finally I can be told it wasn't me - I know I should know that already but I'm still going through all the emotions and feeling guilt for going to the police

Lizanya74 Thu 10-Mar-16 19:07:11

Victim support phones me yesterday and are going to support me with the whole process and take me for a pre-trail court visit.
I just want to say that the replies I have been receiving are so welcome and are really helping me. This process feels like a very lonely place at times. Having lost my home and all my possessions, I feel like I'm being punished at the moment

HelenaDove Thu 10-Mar-16 19:12:17

So sorry this has happened to you OP. You are being really brave.

He has broken his bail conditions by contacting you so the police need to step up more here. thanks

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 10-Mar-16 19:36:06

Don't worry too much about his solicitor. They are paid to defend him they do ask horrible questions but they are just doing their job- it's not personal Just concentrate on telling your side of the story

Lweji Thu 10-Mar-16 19:39:43

It will take a while to finally go to court, so you have time to recover and feel stronger about yourself.

Hopefully, he will have baked off as well.

Try to concentrate now on recovering and finding somewhere to live.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now