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Detaching from an abuser

(5 Posts)
Aussiemum78 Thu 10-Mar-16 09:26:30

Can anyone offer advice/personal stories that might help me? Google isn't really doing it.

I've been out a week.
The cycle of abuse has a honeymoon phase, does this even apply in a break up? I suppose it does because he's trying to get me to come back.
I'm getting alternating pity (I'm so lonely, I feel depressed) with ultra amicable (blurring the co parent and friend lines).
I'm not going back but I'm finding it hard to detach when he's like this. I feel a need to be friendly/helpful so he doesn't switch to angry, and put up with the blatant manipulation.
Ideally I'd like it if he just detached himself so I don't have to be the cold hearted one.
Reading this again, it seems obvious what I need to do....
But is there any way to make this process easier when you can't go no contact due to kids etc?
(I'm open to getting him to date someone! Lol)

Aradiacat Thu 10-Mar-16 09:33:14

Maybe write down the reasons why you left him? This is just a ploy to draw you back in, and you need some solid boundaries in place to protect you. Can you move any contact with him to email only?

Summerlovinf Thu 10-Mar-16 10:53:36

Being friendly is fine while you agree on everything, but you know that as soon as something doesn't go his way he will bring out the angry. He's trying to reel you back in...be careful...you know it's a manipulative device and he will not change. I agree with PP to move to email only. You can do this by saying to him 'it hurts too much to talk just now', which will appease him or you can just insist, which might piss him off more but achieves same thing. Longer term, I'd recommend communicating via email and remaining neutrally business-like and factual whether he's in nice or nasty mode.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 10-Mar-16 10:58:14

Please do not go back, look to your children for motivation.

They should not be party to abusive behaviour, it will damage them beyond repair if they witness it for their whole life.

I have never once heard anyone say They regretted leaving their abuser but I've heard so many say they regretted going back or not getting out sooner.

I understand he is being nice, well of course he has a few nice things about him but he's also an abusive (insert your own swear word) and if you have him back you will be inviting him to abuse you again.

Because you know they never change..........

Aussiemum78 Thu 10-Mar-16 22:22:59

Thanks ladies.

I definitely don't want to go back, I just have a ridiculous thing about being nice to him while he's nice to me which potentially could see me manipulated.

Ideally I'd go no contact but playing nice right now will help me get things sorted. Maybe I'll get the finances and stuff done while he's nice and I need to converse, then pull away once it's done and he turns mean again.

Ugh. He does stuff like say I've got no one to confide in, I feel depressed which is hard for a normal empathic person to ignore, even though I know what he's doing! He's trying to blackmail me with a side order of traumatic bonding.

Pp I did start documenting horrible things he's done before to read when he's acting like a normal nice guy. It helps.

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