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is it me or him?!? Help 15 yr relationship at struggle point

(5 Posts)
whatsyouradvice Wed 09-Mar-16 21:34:29

I'm keeping this brief but would appreciate some views on our average wks - am I right to be pissed off?!?!?

Husband - goes to gym x6 times a wk - plays on PlayStation x4 nights a wk
he does do some stuff swing by shop on way from home for loaf.

me - empties dishwasher, does big shop, plans DIY projects, buys DIY stuff - does DIY stuff, organises a cleaner cos he doesn't clean and I'd rather save my marriage than row about that. Organises most bills and deals with all the crap that goes with that. Has to tell him where batteries bulbs spanner, screwdriver etc are if he is doing a quick job. We are trying to make our new house a home, but its me who finds pictures, wallpaper samples etc, I spend hours online trying to find stuff. He spends no time thinking about it!

We both work - me sometimes away from home - I just feel so exasperated by it all and if I raise that he goes to gym too much he says it doesnt cut into our life but I cant be making it up!

I am gonna try and make a his and hers list of stuff to get away from this I just feel like I have to organise him and me. If I say can we sort some stuff as we have guests coming I have to make a list - he is not proactive at all - I feel like Im in the Break-up movie the one with Vince Vaugh!

He moans that life is boring and dull - and yes I guess it is day to day - but that's just life! It cant all be rock and roll. If I try to say I need you to do this and not got to the gym he'll just cut me with saying I need to work out more - BTW Im slim 8&1/2 stone and 5'7" and nearly 40.

We are both stubborn I know and I can be wrong - but I really feel like Im not in this case. I know there are bigger things but I feel these are big things as its about valuing our home and me, the gym & playstation shouldnt take more of his time than me or our home etc.

Sorry to vent - we've been together about 15 yrs and Ive never moaned online before, but I really feel this might break us, but we cant talk it through.

Gladyss Wed 09-Mar-16 22:34:50

So what is it about your relationship that you like?

HeddaGarbled Wed 09-Mar-16 23:05:40

There's a lot of DIY & decorating going on. Are you doing up a wreck? I would get fed up with spending all my free time on that sort of thing? Did you agree on this together or are you driving it? We don't do DIY and decorating continuously, just do a major project maybe about once a year or two years with only minor maintenance in between. So we can enjoy living in the house without constant work and disruption most of the time. Is this what he means when he says life is boring and dull?

How long is he spending at the gym? One hour on his way home from work is not outrageous if he then spends the rest of the evening with you. But if he is coming home, eating and then going out for the evening leaving you on your own 6 evenings out of 7, that's different.

Making a list of all the things you do is a really good idea. Then try and come up with a fair split. But you might have to accept that some of the things you want done, he doesn't care about. Emptying dishwasher, big food shop and paying bills are essential. Spending hours online choosing pictures and wallpaper samples isn't. Go to Homebase together at the weekend and choose stuff together, then go to the pub for lunch after, then go home and have sex relax with the Sunday papers.

whatsyouradvice Thu 10-Mar-16 08:20:01

Hi there. Gladys's. I like that we are in other ways in tune with each other. And that we have similarities on the big issues such as life values and fundamentals I guess.

In reply to you Hedda.

I guess if I described the last month that would highlight that it is balanced. Vtine wend - went away for spa wend - no DIY then next wend we did some jobs for a few hours. if we do stuff it's only a few hours on sat or Sunday then we do go to pub - restaurant etc. so it's not 24/7 most weekdays are busy with work and stuff but he often plays play station 3 hrs a day most days/evenings. We bought the house knowing it needed some work (mainly cosmetic) In fact he wanted to do it. But I don't want to be doing it for 10 yrs. and at this rate we will be. I just think that proportionately he needs to do a little more or even do the thinking about doing as things need to be planned. After all it's only a few hours a wk and I have got a cleaner coming once a month so some those jobs are being done. We had a heated discussion about it last night - I didn't start it - so we I have messaged him to say these things with a plan for sharing tasks and planning in time for us too. Hopefully he will hear me too as last night I didn't feel heard. He always has to have last word in convos sad Thanks for your help. X

nicenewdusters Thu 10-Mar-16 19:36:02

He sounds quite childish to me. 3 hrs a day on the play station is a huge amount, presumably you're cleaning, decorating, cooking and looking after "his" house while he does all this ?

Also, I see that:
He has to have the last word in conversations;
He bought a house that needed work, apparently wanted to do it, but now doing it is making his life mundane;
You organise a cleaner because he doesn't clean and if you hadn't you would have huge rows about that;
If you criticise his constant gym visits his response is to denigrate your appearance;

Finally, I don't believe you should make a his and hers list. What, you get the constant "wife work" and he does manly screwdriver duties and puts the bins out once a week ? He doesn't need a list, I bet he knows how to do his job, his gym workout and his ps games without one. He just needs to grow up and respect you. Sorry to be harsh.

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