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Moving forward: regrets over having daughter with Ex

(5 Posts)
ourlife Wed 09-Mar-16 07:51:40

I suffer with anxiety due to fear about the future and regret because I caused it.
I regret having a child (who's 6 now) with my ex who I really don't like
I worry how we'll co-parent. I can't get him out of my head. He isn't a really bad guy but he and his whole family really look down on me and my background and have said some cruel things. And now we have a child together.
But she is a carbon copy of him - showing some really tomboy geeky qualities which are just like him and his elder daughter, a strong family trait on his side (nothing like me or my family) and I hate that. My day is a roller coaster of emotions. If she chooses something similar to his nature I'm gutted. If it's similar to me I'm happy. That can happen 20 times a day. I'm so unhappy - I obsess about it.
I believe that because of such strong similarity that my role in her life will just become insignificant.
I really really regret having her at this point. I feel so so miserable.

How do I learn to accept this situation, be a good mother and enjoy my life?

Cabrinha Wed 09-Mar-16 08:04:55

What help are you having already with your anxiety? That's a pretty severe impact on your relationship with your daughter - you really should talk to your GP about this. I think it's very serious and you need counselling to have a healthy relationship.

CrazyDuchess Wed 09-Mar-16 08:08:31

Agree with Cab - you need help. Please speak to your GP and get some counselling.

Your daughter is only 6 and has no choice over her personality and physical characteristics. The poor girl.

I really hope you manage to successfully hide your obvious regret towards her.

ourlife Wed 09-Mar-16 08:23:11

Thanks Cab and Crazy
I'm really trying to work through my feelings towards her by focussing on strengthening our relationship. I am practising mindfulness for the anxiety.
This only feels horrible because I know I'm letting her down and want to make difference.
I do know I'm not alone in feeling this way towards my child, but I know it's a hard thing for a parent to admit, too.

dreame Wed 09-Mar-16 08:30:57

Hi ourlife you seem in such a tough situation. Despite everything you're looking for a way to solve this which is great. That means you're already a good mother (because you're recognising the problem and instead of burying your head in the sand you're wanting to change something).

It does sound like you need to get some proper help with this. Your GP is a good place to start. Don't be shy about telling them EXACTLY what's going on. They're there to help, not judge. You'd ideally want to get counselling for/help with the anxiety I think.

Something separate that might help (in the short term, not a substitution for counselling) is to try and think of one thing every day that your daughter did that was good. Write it down on a small piece of paper and put it in a jar (or box or something else). The following day if she says/does something reminding you of your ex, try to remember what you wrote. At the end of the week open it and read them all. The following week do the same, but this time try to think of things she did/said that you don't relate to you or your ex. That might be harder, but you've got nothing to lose! At then end of the week have a look. Try the same the following week too.

The things that are negative for you are there, so for her sake it's important you make sure to focus on the positive things. This isn't a solution for everything, but might help in the short term to keep the difficult thoughts at bay a little bit.

Good luck. You're in a difficult spot, but that doesn't mean you're not a good mum. thanks

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