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Reached a stalemate

(14 Posts)
Balders74 Tue 08-Mar-16 17:58:13

Sorry if this is long but want to give some background. XH and I spilt at the beginning of 2015, he moved out of our jointly owned house in March 2015 into a rented property, Divorce came through a week ago. All good so far.

The problem relates to the house and child maintenance. We've lived in the house for 12 years. It is a joint mortgage but I put the £20k deposit down when we bought it. There was some money left over from the sale of my previous house that was to pay off our debts before we moved to this bigger house, we agreed we couldn't afford the house if those debts weren't paid. Moved in & a month later XH lost his job. Then proceeded to sit on his arse for 6 months while the money for the debts disappeared on paying bills. So now we're in a house we can't afford because we're still paying the debts and he's not working.

This has become a theme for the next 12 years. We had to have a debt management plan at one point to pay off the debts, he was in and out of work (more out than in) while I supported us working full time with two DC.

Five years ago after losing another job (he thinks he can speak to anyone the way he wants - god complex) he decided he was going to become self employed. He just announced it one day, no discussion.

Fast forward 5 years and I have pretty much supported us with the occasional small contribution from him. But most of the time he sat on the sofa smoking, watching TV, shouting at everyone and getting fat. He didn't help with the DC, they went to PIL if I needed help, he didn't help around the house or cook or anything. I tried talking to him to motivate him but after years of trying I gave up and told him I'd had enough.

Since he left a year ago he has paid no child maintenance. It was brought up in mediation but he said he only earns £7k a year and couldn't afford it and nothing else was said. I've tried getting something set up via my solicitor (for which I now have a huge bill and nothing to show for it) but he either ignores or denies or gaslights. So today I have contacted the CMS.

Then there is the house. I can count on one hand the amount of times he has contributed towards the mortgage in the last 10 years. There is only around £6k equity because we got a secured loan a few years ago. He wants £3k from me to sign the house over to me.

When we split I gave him £1500 to use to get a rented property. He is now denying that and is saying that the £1500 came out of our joint account so it was marital assets (it didn't, I paid him from my business account). He also says that it was me repaying money I owed him - £1000 inheritance from his Nan and £500 for fixing my car. This is bollocks and I have documentation to prove it.

So my offer was for £1500 (already had £1500) but if I didn't make a CM claim for the rest of this year then that would cover the £1500. I wouldn't have to pay him anything and he wouldn't have to pay me anything for the remainder of the year. He's refused this offer.

So we've reached a stalemate. I honestly don't think he deserves to get a penny from me, I have worked hard for 12 years supporting the family. My Solicitor's advice is to offer him a small amount but he wants the full £3k and I don't have that money.

So the other option is to take him to court to get this agreed but I already have a solicitor's bill for nearly £1000 just for sending letters to get this sorted (and it didn't) and I can't afford to start court proceedings.

I have offered a Mesher order to be set up on the house but only for the £1500 regardless of how much the house sells for in the future. I don't see why he should get a share of any future equity when he is paying NOTHING! Again that was refused.

I realise that this is a control thing for him. He is a very controlling man and has difficulty with the fact that I decided I didn't want to be with him any more.

I just don't know what to do next. I don't want to just leave it because I want him off the house and I would like to move at some point in the future.

Sorry for the essay, if you're still with me then please give me any advice you wise people may have.

PurpleWithRed Tue 08-Mar-16 18:07:39

So what were your (and his) joint assets at the time of the split?

Negotiating with a controlling sod who doesn't want to get divorced is a nightmare - I've got the scars. The only thing that worked for me was not negotiating: we agreed a 50:50 split upfront and everything afterwards was based on that so there was never any negotiating to do. We didn't get divorced until we were financially free of each other.

Balders74 Tue 08-Mar-16 18:15:17

The only joint asset is the house. It was never discussed, he is not mature enough to have a conversation about anything because if you don't agree with him he loses it and shouts, stomps and sulks. He is very passive aggressive (and sometimes not so passive but not violent)

My solicitor advised me to get the divorce done because he was being so obstructive. It took five months for him to agree to go to a mediation session and then sat drumming his fingers on the table and didn't put his phone on silent and it kept ringing. Nothing was agreed, I presented my case, I'd had the house valued, got all the redemption figures etc and he just said 'I'll have to get advice'. We never went back because he spent the next two months lying about getting a solicitor to get that advise.

I've asked him to change his address for all of his work bills and his credit card bills etc. they all still come here. I send them back now with addressee no longer at this address.

The credit card he has registered at my address has now not been paid for 2 months and they are making a note on his credit file - against my house! (I opened that letter after asking on numerous occasions for him to change the address)

I'm at a loss.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Tue 08-Mar-16 18:23:09

Can't offer much advice but contact the credit card companies, explain the situation and give them his current address as well as how long he's lived there. Helped my sister when her ex left debt behind..

lavenderhoney Tue 08-Mar-16 18:30:31

I can see you gave him the £1500 just to get him out. That was never going to be repaid, he's a knob.

Just to get rid of him I'd be tempted to pay him the £3k and fuck him off out of your life forever, financially. The stress and time it's taking - cost it out- you could be out there making money. Make sure he can't claim again. You draft the finances order via your solicitor and if not court.

Balders74 Tue 08-Mar-16 18:31:05

Thanks Give I have drafted a letter to the credit card company and will send a copy of decree nisi so they can see we are divorced. If I need to get a new mortgage I don't want his shitty credit ruining it.

Balders74 Tue 08-Mar-16 18:36:11

I knew I wouldn't get the £1500 back but the intention was that he wouldn't get any more. I don't have £3k to give him and if I gave him £3k then he will have had £4.5k!

I had a mortgage offer in place which expired at the end of 2015 because he was f*cking about and since then my financial situation has changed (had to get more credit, boiler replacement etc) and I'm not sure if I could get another mortgage offer at the moment.

I lie awake at 3am with this whirling around in my head, trying to come up with a solution. I want him out of my head and my life!

magoria Tue 08-Mar-16 19:01:54

If you can get a new mortgage I would pay him the £3k to get him off the house.

Consider how much you have already paid in legal bills and how much you may have to pay going forwards.

Do it, get rid of him and consider it money well spent.

If you can't, see about converting the mortgage to interest only so you don't clear down any equity until you can afford to do so and them pay him the £3k to get rid of him.

Balders74 Tue 08-Mar-16 19:56:34

You're right, I need to just get rid of him and if that involves giving him a small amount of money then that's what I'll have to do. In the end I will have the house and the DC and be so much happier without this hanging over my head. And he will have a small amount of money that won't last very long.

I have contacted the mortgage broker I used to get the previous mortgage offer and asked for her to have a look into it for me.

I just did a credit check and my credit score is not as bad as I thought so hopefully I can get this sorted.

He will think he has won but I know different.

Thanks all.

lavenderhoney Wed 09-Mar-16 06:49:15

Sounds hopeful - and you can always just ask your current mortgage company? Customer services would tell you over the phone if you can get him off it and it just be you but you might want to change rates anyway.

Is he off the deeds? I strongly suggest you get him off the deeds first. Make sure you give him a cheque this time! Ask the conveyancer who will draw up a legal document for you. You don't want him wanting more later on - tie it down.

Aussiemum78 Wed 09-Mar-16 06:58:20

He sounds hopeless and he's still running up debt. Meanwhile you are paying solicitors to fight over a small amount of equity.

My gut feeling is that you should quickly and officially cut all financial ties with him and start over. If you have to pay him, consider it the final payment to get rid of him.

Concentrate on building up your finances again once you are free.

And feel assured that anything you pay him will be buried in debt before long and he will sink alone now.

Aussiemum78 Wed 09-Mar-16 07:00:18

The other reason to do this quickly is he will try and stick you with new debts. Cut ties so he can't keep drowning you.

Balders74 Wed 09-Mar-16 08:42:49

Unfortunately our mortgage company is one that no longer gives new mortgages, I think it was bought by the tax payer and had to stop trading but kept their existing mortgages going. The mortgage is currently interest only and I want to change to a repayment so I can actually make a dent in the mortgage. 12 years paying interest only is just like paying rent! When we bought the house we were only going to be on interest only for 5 years and then change to repayment but our financial situation didn't allow for that.

He is still on the deeds, that's the bit he won't sign over until he gets some money. I will make sure that the agreement states that this is a full and final settlement.

The thought of giving him anything sticks in my throat but in reality it is a small amount of money and he wont have any of it left in a couple of months. Although I will have a huge mortgage I do feel that in a couple of years there will be some equity in the house and I can downsize a bit and reduce the mortgage.

I have woken up this morning feeling hopeful that this will all soon be resolved and I can finally move on grin

Horsemad Wed 09-Mar-16 09:03:42

Yep, pay him off on condition he's removed from the deeds (making sure this all documented).

He'll think he's won the battle, but you'll have won the war! wink

Good Luck

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