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Relationships

To feel utterly betrayed (get a brew, this is going to be a long one).

21 replies

NoLongerMe · 08/03/2016 16:05

Right. I'll begin at the beginning..
I started talking to someone (again) on facebook four years ago, someone I went out with in my teens. They had left me for someone else (in fact they had repeatedly had sex with others behind my back - was even fired from her first job for shagging someone in the office - while they were dating me!),
But, I still had feelings for them. They said they were 'just a child, being childish' and I believed them.

It started perfectly innocently, just that it had been (a lot of) years since we had dated - a quick message to say 'how had it been so long?'

We quickly got talking and it was so easy, I had forgotten how...perceptive they were and I soon spilled everything to them. I was in the middle of a break up, my kids were in bits - and she was there on messenger in moments, helping me pick up the pieces. They said they were going through exactly the same.

Like a fool, I believed everything they told me and fell for them - completely - all over again.

After 18 months or so, we moved in together. Up to this point it had felt like a dream. I'd missed her so much over the years and now, they were back and they were mine. I was so lucky!

Then, a year or so after I moved in, the stories they had told me changed. They let slip that their ex, who had been "living in the spare room", who knew all about me... had not in fact known a thing and was still sharing a bed with her, right up to a few days before I moved in (If I had known that this was the case - I would have broken things off. I still feel guilty, I feel that I'm responsible for their break-up, even though I simply didn't know the truth).
Eventually she told me that what had started for me as a proper relationship, was in fact just an affair to her.

I stayed.. Well to be honest, I stayed because I felt really stupid. I should have known this was how it was, should have been smart enough to realise... I hadn't and this was my penance.

While we were living together she told me about a previous ex who was abusive. She told me about how she needed to keep the house, so she slowly nagged at him, picked and picked until he couldn't take it anymore and left. She said it broke her to have sex with him, that it made her feel like a prostitute. It made me feel physically sick when she told me this - How could she have done it, not once but over and over for a year or more?..

Fast forward to new year. I have known about a lot of this for a long time (drawn out by inches), but the worse she treated me, the more I wanted to prove that I was worth keeping.. I tried so hard. I spent all of the money I had left from the sale of my old home.

I got nothing back. Instead, she left me at home and took her daughter shopping in New York in January.

She's kept in touch with the ex, the one that was there just before me. He's in serious trouble with the police, but she doesn't believe anything could possibly be true - 'he's not like that'. He even sent a Christmas card thanking her for "all the support she's given him through such a difficult time".
I find out that when she went to New York, He met them at the airport and spent the day (night?) with them, before they flew out.

I had no idea how she actually felt about me right now and although I had pushed and pleaded with her to open up, she never did.
So, I resolved to move out. I was going to take the money I was putting into the household, the pots I washed and the clothes I cleaned... all that stuff out of the equation. She would know what she wanted - a lodger or a partner.

But we wouldn't break up, I would just give her space to see if she cared about me at all.

As soon as I was out, she 'pretended' that she'd misunderstood me. That she thought that I was saying it was all over. She's said its all my fault - that I should accept responsibility for the failed relationship.

This really hurt - how can her misunderstanding be my fault?
She said that She couldn't take me constantly demanding answers and that I've got what I deserved.

I've lost everything. She has (completely obviously now, done what she has done to everyone else).
I literally have nothing left but a few things and a bitter taste.

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irlouise13 · 08/03/2016 16:10

ehhhhh, what's your question exactly? DO you really need to be reassured that feeling betrayed is appropriate?