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Advice needed on how to deal with an ex who harasses and has started following/stalking

24 replies

kardashianklone · 08/03/2016 11:12

MNetters, may I ask for your advice? I am so sorry this is a long post, apologies in advance. The Background: 9 months ago, I ended a 6 year relationship. I'd been increasingly unhappy for the last 2-3 years, had counselling, dropped to about 50 kg, and realised that I did not love this man, let alone want to marry him and have kids (we were engaged for around about 3 or 4 years). When I ended it, he did not take it well. The usual tears and begging, texts all day and night, then sulking, huffing and puffing, then anger. He seemed mostly angry that I had 'done this to him' and he had 'no say', which strikes me as a control issue.

We rented together- the day I moved out was the last day I spoke to him (3 weeks after I'd broken up with him- I'd been staying a girl friends' in the interim). The reasons I gave him when I broke up were: I don't love you, and I don't want to marry you, and I don't want to have children with you. The reasons I didn't say out loud include: the EA, the utter fury and anger at the tiniest possible thing (there was a queue in Tescos, for example- it led to him being banned from the shop), the misogyny, the racism ('white women who date black men are w** meat', and he thinks anyone on benefits should be put down), and the sexism. Every day seemed to bring a new example of inappropriate hatred and fury, he would rage against everyone and everything, red face, clenched fist, spit at the corner of his mouth, veins popping out. I just, couldn't take the level of anger over such small things. If he was angry with me, he wouldn't speak to me for days and would lie on the sofa, arms folded, hoodie pulled over his head so he 'wouldn't have to look' at me. It could last days, to a week or more. He also used to spend 15 hours plus playing computer games, while I did the 'wife work'. He used to be a soldier and I think he had PTSD, which he refused to get help for (as only 'weaklings' did, and he 'didn't believe in it').

On the day of moving out, he called me in a furious rage, as I had 'taken all the bowls!' (all the crockery was mine, so yeah, I took it), and he left about 8 voicemails, each more threatening than the last ('if you don't respond to me, you'll be sorry'), text messages- then he threatened to trash the flat that we rented so I wouldn't get my deposit back (I'd paid for it as he'd been unemployed for the majority of the time we lived in that house). So I called the police and logged the incident (he didn't damage it, in the end). They advised me to change my number, so I did. I blocked his emails. He doesn't know my new address, number and can't email me. I thought that was it.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I came off the train and felt something pulling at my shoulder. It was him. I haven't seen him for 9 months and I jumped. My heart was racing and I felt shaky and sweaty. I ignored him. This made him angry. He was yelling, pulling at my sleeve and would not leave me alone. He walked alongside, and in front of me. I asked him to go away, to leave me alone, and he wouldn't. As I came off the train station, he followed me. He followed me all the way home, which I had to walk past as I don't want him to know where I live. All the time, demanding to know why I broke up with him (!), and saying he 'won't go away until I give him answers'. I told him to f* off (cos the polite, 'go away and leave me alone' wasn't working), and he refused, saying he could do what he wanted. I told him this was being weird and stalk-ery, and he just kept on. I walked straight into my local gym, which has a fob system, so only members can get in, and it's covered in CCTV. There were no shops or cafes open, and he would only have followed me in anyway. I stayed there and called the new bf to come get me, as I was too scared to leave in case ex was lurking outside.

Police are coming on Thursday morning to speak to me. I think I want to see if I can get some kind of harassment/restraining order? So my question is, what would you do? Am I over reacting? (he has this way of making me feel like I'm being overly dramatic, when I don't think I'm a very dramatic person at all)- am I valid in feeling like this? and how do I stop the 'Oh my god, is he going to be at the train station again?' feelings. I think he must live very near me, so he would use the same station, and I don't have a great deal of flexibility in not using it, as I have to be at work for certain times etc. Do you think the courts would give me a restraining order? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Thank you if you made it to the end of this post.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2016 11:29

You are absolutely NOT making a mountain out of a molehill here!. This is a serious matter.

I would give these people a call, today if at all possible.

The National Stalking Helpline has been established by Network for Surviving Stalking, Protection Against Stalking and Suzy Lamplugh Trust. It is the first national helpline to specialise in providing information and guidance to victims of harassment and stalking as well as their friends and family.

Their number is 0808 802 0300