Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Did your MIL ruin your relationship?

(20 Posts)
DrAmandaBentley Mon 07-Mar-16 20:37:57

I'm going through a lot of stress at the moment, and as a result my relationship is suffering and I have have been arguing with OH a lot, as a result we are on a mini break of sorts.

Along comes MIL, knowing somethings up to begin quizzing me about it. I've never given OH a chance, what do I want from him, she's spent enough time with him to know what he's like as a partner (?!) hmm and accusing me of 'avoiding' her questions...on top of that she claimed to have seen texts between me and my OH, where I wasn't nice to him.

She's simply made a bad situation worse by being nosey and interfering. She has two other sons and does the EXACT same thing to their girlfriends. No one is ever good enough for her precious boys but her it seems. I actually feel more annoyed than ever, that we can't resolve any situation without her butting in.

Laura280315 Mon 07-Mar-16 20:52:25

My mil is lovely but I feel the same, she tragically lost her first son and mother my DH a little more than I personally feel is appropriate. (Goes and chats to him in the bath etc)

All I can say which I'm sorry prob isn't helpful is if he confides in her there ain't a lot you can do about it but you need to tell him that any problems in your relationship should be discussed between the two of you and nobody else regardless of who they are

Lostin3dspace Mon 07-Mar-16 20:59:21

Yep, mine tried hard to install herself in the middle of my marriage and between me and my children. And she succeeded.

FrancesNiadova Mon 07-Mar-16 21:25:02

Oh yes. She actually wrote to my DH to tell him that I'd taken him away from her & if he didn't go home then she'd cut him off. We'd been married 15 years & got 2 chn at the time! That was 5 years ago. She cut my dh & dcs off at Christmas. It was silly really, because after a particularly vicious attack from her on her last visit, I'd gone nc from her for over 3 years before she disowned my dh & dc.
So, she tried, & got her flying monkeys (bil & sil) to write identical letters to my dh too, but it backfired. None of us have anything to do with her now.

DrAmandaBentley Mon 07-Mar-16 21:34:28

Glad to know I'm not alone! She is a nice woman, but has no idea of the damage she is doing to her (very grown up) son's relationships. It doesn't help that she has multiple health issues, and cries at the drop of a hat, so we all have to walk on eggshells around her. I really had to grit my teeth and just take how she was talking to me, although I badly wanted to tell her to fuck off.

I've spoken to my OH and told him NOT to keep telling her things, no matter how small because she just takes it and runs. We have a child on the way and I know she is going to have a fit if she isn't doesn't see the baby every weekend like she does her other grandchild...I honestly feel like completely cutting her out whether my OH likes it or not.

FrancesNiadova Mon 07-Mar-16 21:45:55

She's his problem, not yours. (Took me 15 years to learn that one wink ).
I'd had a breast lump & duct removed. Only after the operation & test was I told that it was benign. Mil' s response was, "more's the pity!" That was enough. My 2 dc were tiny at the time & I didn't want anything more to do with her. She'd always been awful, but that crossed a line.
4 years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy. I'm so glad that she wasn't on the scene, with her nasty comments. It would have been too much.
Funny thing is, when I went nc, quietly, without a fuss, dh stopped bothering with her too. Funny that!
If he wants to see her, (on his own), let him, why would you try to stop him? But you don't have to see someone who is awful to you, that was never part of the deal.
Just step away from the crazy grin

Vonnie2016 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:50:16

Not mother in law but my mother did. So i guess my ex could answer yes to this. Total narcissistic and got into my head and had a huge detrimental effect on my marriage.

DrAmandaBentley Mon 07-Mar-16 22:15:13

Sorry Frances, what a horrible woman to deal with during such an ordeal!

Unfortunately my OH, has just got a job, only 15 mins away from her, so she'll be meddling more than ever. I think I will just follow the lead here and make her OH's problem and not mine.

metoo72 Tue 08-Mar-16 12:07:46

You're not alone. In my case though it was SIL type who seemed to feel entitled to interfere and seemed to relish doing so...she certainly made a bad situation much worse. I very much doubt (hope) you MIL doesn't know what your DH is like as a partner simply from spending time with him! What an overbearing woman. Might be wise to tell your DH not to overshare personal matters with her although these type of women seem to think they have a right to know everything so she might not be best pleased!

PuellaEstCornelia Tue 08-Mar-16 17:02:48

I found that when my MIL tried it, saying, in a perfectly pleasant reasonable voice, ' I'm sorry, that's none of your business, I won't discuss it with you.' on repeat - I once said it fifteen times in a row - works. But I had to keep really calm and friendly while I did it. Drove her mad.
She did, of course complain to DH so I asked him if he wanted me to discuss our sex life with her, how of that was so, did he want me to talk about oral sex or anal or the time we did it all fresco on holiday and nearly got caught by the hotel security. That shut him up.

DrAmandaBentley Tue 08-Mar-16 17:13:19

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really is so bizarre (speaking as a mother myself), that someone could be so heavily involved in their adult son's love lives. In my case they are all in their 30's...it truly is utterly ridiculous that we cannot even bicker without her nosing around. And the cheek of her having (said at least), she had read texts to my OH! angryangryangry

She's come between all three brothers and their girlfriends, and managed to form a very large wedge between my OH and his ex, even answering his phone to her while he was asleep. I definitely won't be letting her get to me again. In fact I have half a mind to completely block her from my phone.

Atenco Tue 08-Mar-16 21:17:21

I suppose the one I feel sorry here is your OH and his brothers, but at least the MIL will have lots of strong bachelors around her to look after her in her old age.

DrAmandaBentley Wed 09-Mar-16 14:17:34

She's gone and blocked me from WhatsApp and Facebook now confused

This is all because I dared to have a disagreement with my OH, it is almost comical.

metoo72 Wed 09-Mar-16 14:35:23

Do try and see it as comical, that's a good thing - it would be a crappy outcome if this woman succeeded in causing more stress than she already has done. What a weirdo - I would get it if you were having an affair or some other similar 'offence' but trying to get involved in her sons domestic arguments and muscle in is just just laughable. As mentioned, have same problem with a SIL. It's almost like they are pissing on their territory and your OH is her possession. Laughable. Also somewhat embarrassing and unmanly for poor OH to have his mother behave like this.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo Wed 09-Mar-16 14:42:47

Yep. Mil told dh to leave me while I was very ill with ME. She also tried to turn my dc against me an ignored me and looked at my disabled self with disgust.

Dh and she see no need for us not to see lots and lots of them, including holidays now I'm better.

Part of me hates dh for not stopping the abuse when I was so vulnerable and for thinking we can just pretend it never happened.

So yes Mil has succeeded in driving a wedge between dh and me. Fucking nice one.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo Wed 09-Mar-16 14:46:52

Sorry dramanda that was all me me me.
Can your dp see what's happening?

Dh and I laugh at my family's foibles although I love them dearly and am close but I am 'on his side' so to speak. Dh is terrified of his mother and wont hear a word against her. Which makes me wonder where his loyalties lie.
I don't want to make him choose but I can see her delighted if he went 'home' to her.

Superheroessidekick Wed 09-Mar-16 14:53:51

Oh yes my MIL has always been a nightmare and we have been together nearly 10 years now. She is awful to him at times yet he has only recently since we got married started seeing my side and protecting me. She is constantly slagging me off to him saying I'm controlling and money grabbing ( not sure how we don't have any. hmm) but she doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors as DH always lies to her. He would always rather upset me to keep the peace with her which is so frustrating. She just hates the fact she can't control him and that she doesn't know everything he is doing (he is 30 and we have 2 dc) she will make stuff up to try and trick him into telling her what he has been doing. She asks for things back that she has bought as presents and she adds interest to any money my DH has borrowed in hard times shock she also moans we keep the DC away from her but she always takes out and buys her other grandson stuff but never even asks to take our DCs. She doesn't even ask how they are, we have to go there so she can see them.

metoo72 Wed 09-Mar-16 15:49:00

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo

Part of me hates dh for not stopping the abuse when I was so vulnerable and for thinking we can just pretend it never happened

Yes this!! Exactly, know how you feel - I was due corneal transplant when my partner decided to let her meddle in with our private arguments of which medical stress played a part. I'm glad you've recovered x

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo Wed 09-Mar-16 16:58:56

I try so hard not to let it ccome between dh and me and I hate myself for how prickly I am with her now.
So many on mumsnet rush to defend mils in a way they don't with dhs or mothers.
If you say 'my mum is difficult ' people flood to say ' poor you, me too' but with mils people always say 'well you'll be one' and 'mils can't do anything right'

Makes me feel shitter

VioletVaccine Wed 09-Mar-16 19:47:39

No. My ex MIL didn't ruin my marriage. She ruined her Son, whch in turn ruined the marriage.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now