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escaping EA. talk to me about logistics.

(16 Posts)
dreamedadream Mon 07-Mar-16 17:03:10

I've NC for this because I really don't want to out myself.

Married for 6 years and I've got a 6 week old daughter. H has always been quite self centered and I've probably enabled him more than is

dreamedadream Mon 07-Mar-16 17:03:40

Damn phone. Will continue.

dreamedadream Mon 07-Mar-16 17:12:22

... more than is healthy.

Meals on the table, cleaning always done. Now DD takes up all of my time with colic and feeds. I can't take care of H.

He's always been pretty EA but I've ignored it. Gas lighting too. Likes to push me until I'm broken then try to save me. No reason as to why I've put up with it. Watched my own mother suffer domestic abuse so perhaps I just expect it.

Anyway. He won't help with DD at all. No night feeds, nappy changes. I buy everything. I'm bloody exhausted because she doesn't sleep. H gets 8 hours a night shut away in the bedroom. I have PND and often sit and cry while she grizzles all night. He's been secretly filming me as proof I'm a bad mother.

Last night a switch flicked. First of all I went to ask him for help with DD in my arms. His answer was "fuck off you stupid fat cow".
This morning I was making a bottle with crying DD in my arms. He walked up and smacked the back of my head for no reason.

So obviously I need to get it together to leave. This can't go on. I'm asking for advice with logistics. His house (I'm not on the deeds or mortgage) and I have no savings. I'm on mat leave and earn very little. I have no family to speak of and inlaws are abusive too so no point going to them. How do I get out? I know it won't happen overnight but how do I make it doable?

Thanks.

sarahlou75 Mon 07-Mar-16 17:24:05

Bumping your thread.
Logistics - have you any RL friends?
Contact women's aid
Make a solicitors appointment
Hopefully some other MNetters will be along soon flowers

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Mar-16 17:28:56

It can happen overnight and you don't need money to leave an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship which has now begun to turn violent on his part.

Contact your nearest Women's Aid service when this oafish twunt is not around:
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

dreamedadream Mon 07-Mar-16 17:29:48

I don't have any RL friends anymore, at least not locally. I'm willing to bide my time until I can get out and survive, afford somewhere to live.

sarahlou75 Mon 07-Mar-16 17:47:01

Unfortunately pregnancy/childbirth can escalate a previously EA dynamic into a more physically abusive relationship. He thinks you are stuck now.
Please don't wait it could get much worse. Please contact women's aid ASAP

Marmite75 Mon 07-Mar-16 18:21:09

Op, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Firstly, I would approach any local authority homeless unit. You should be assessed as priority need for temp housing. i would also suggest that this is as far away from where you currently live as practical as you don't want to bump into him. Secondly, do this as soon as possible. Take essentials for you and DD. A few Clothes, bottles, formula etc that you can carry. The police can and will always accompany you back to the property to get more stuff once you are safe. The priority is to get you and DD out and away.
I'm just putting DD to bed but will pop back on later if more questions

LadyB49 Mon 07-Mar-16 18:57:42

The fact that your name is not on the mortgage or title documents doesn't matter, it's still a matrimonial asset (assuming they are not in negative equity), as are any cars, etc.

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 18:58:50

Another saying please contact Women's Aid ASAP.
I'm also concerned that it may escalate now you have a baby.

ButtonLoon Mon 07-Mar-16 19:04:02

I think you can see that it has already escalated, he has hit you now.

There are people who will help, you just need to reach out to them. flowers

dreamedadream Mon 07-Mar-16 19:31:25

Thank you everyone. I'm going to contact wa in the morning because h is home right now.

Council housing isn't ideal here but I'll look into that. I can get a bag packed without him realising.

He's being overly nice to me tonight.

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 19:43:16

He's being overly nice because that's part of the pattern of nice-nasty behaviour. Don't be fooled that he's had a revelation and realised he's been unacceptably foul to you: it's just designed to keep you off balance and hooked on the hope that the nice bit is the "real him". It's not sad

Hope you can get through to WA tomorrow and make plans to get yourself and DD to safety flowers

whitehandledkitchenknife Mon 07-Mar-16 19:51:41

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security.Typical abuser behaviour. Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't give him an inkling of what you are planning. Do you have access to any cash? Don't forget to pop little one's birth certificate, your passport and any other important documents in your bag. Stay safe. Thinking of you.

AugustMoon Mon 07-Mar-16 19:52:15

No don't wait. See a solicitor, half an hour free. Find out where you stand and that will give you strength. All you need is your DD and essentials and you shld be priority for temp housing. It will be hard but worth it. Get as much money out the bank as poss. Good luck.

Sodthehousework99 Mon 07-Mar-16 20:09:55

Www.hiddenhurt.co.uk

GO. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
You can do it. I did - 250 miles away to a safe house with my kids. Left everything except what i could fit into the car.
Never looked back.

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