Oh. Just writing the title has made me realise I should be. But it feels very difficult at the moment.
I am sorry - this is going to be a bit long to give the backstory.
Am mid 40s. Had therapy last year to deal with some stuff. Anxiety mostly. Some self esteem stuff. Am coming through the other side. (Therapy stopped but using the tools I gained, plus some other reading eg Inner Child book).
A lot of the stuff for me boils down to my parents. Mother was had a very, very short fuse - particularly wrt my sister. Many an afternoon after school (before Dad got home) would see a major shouting match, often with my mum then hitting (sometimes quite viciously) my sister. I was rarely shouted at as a) I was the golden child and b) I learned to be a people pleaser -I would do pretty much anything to stop my mum's rage - and in fact anything to try and prevent it/her turning on my sister. I grew up in a sometimes very fearful/anxious state. Ergo some all of my issues. Therapy has helped me deal with this to a large degree.
My mum and dad's relationship also is quite argumentative/shouty. They have been married over 50 years and have just got set patterns of behaviour. Dad, is not shouty though he will stand his ground. Quite often just ignores any bickering/short fuse stuff from mum and it blows over. This ignoring can sometimes turn mum from slightly argumentative to clenched fists, barely suppressed fury. It is horrible. It reminds me of the build up to the attacks on my sister - although it does not get to that anymore. But no longer living in that atmosphere I now hate being around it. (DH and I discuss things like normal people. The odd raised voice but nothing like the red-faced rage mum has).
I understand why my mum is like she is. She had a crap emotionally abusive mother and her dad physically abused her mum until they divorced. Mum has very low self esteem, is very judgemental (like her mother - though god I sound it too at the moment) and probably emotionally just a child still.
We saw them a few weeks back. There was a incident when Mum did the rage thing (suppressed - but still clenched fist, red in the face). Have not seen this from her since the therapy finished. I felt horrible. (Christ she probably feels pretty shitty at the time too.) But it feels a bit like it has haunted me ever since. Keep getting flashbacks to how she looked. And what that would mean if I had still be a kid (impending fury/attack on sister). Kind of have shaken it off a bit.
But then we saw them yesterday as well. No rages from mum. All in all was a lovely, pleasant lunch with no issues. But I felt very detached and could not bring myself to emotionally engage with my mother. At one point though I looked over at her and she was sat at the dining room table on her own and I felt so sorry for her.
What my mother needs is to have lots of praise, and self-esteem building stuff. To be hugged as she probably wasn't as child. To feel cared for and appreciated. Dad is the most undemonstrative man you will ever meet. His actions show he cares for her (in his way) but he would never, ever, ever say anything positive or complimentary.
Anyway, the point to my post (sorry 
). My mum needs a little girl cuddle and to be told she is great. Big huge spadefuls of it. But I don't want to do it. I don't. And I feel crap about it (crying as I type). I am not feeling particularly kindly towards her at the moment - more a bit numb after the behaviour a few weeks back. I want to detach a bit not get closer. But I just saw in her yesterday the little girl inside her just crying out for some affection.
i should be kind to her shouldn't I? Fuck, just suck it up and maybe try and give her some of that affection/validation she has needed had for 72 years. How do I do? Please can anyone advise or help me help her?
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Relationships
Should I be kind to my mother?
NobodyNoseWhatMyNoseNose · 07/03/2016 13:49
I think you are being as kind to her as you can be.
Sometimes you need to be kinder to yourself than others, and that's ok 
Be kind to yourself, first and foremost. I've been through similar cycles with my own mother off and on through my life and all I can really say is that you have to do what's right for you. It isn't your job to parent her - your only 'parent duty' if you like is to parent your children, if you have any. It sounds like life is pretty tough for her, but she has to find a way to manage that herself, in the same way you would have to yourself if you had similar issues.
Apols for the armchair psychology, but it sounds like your default position as a child was to look after everyone to make sure things didn't spill over. That was a coping mechanism that you needed to develop to get through - but you don't need that now as you don't need her to survive. Be kind to her, yes, but you don't need to carry on parenting her
You have an amazing amount of self awareness, I can't offer any advice, but well done for breaking the cycle.
Aren't you supposed to love them come-what-may.
No. If you want to go by the Bible, it says honour thy father and mother; that means you treat them with respect, but actually when you think about it ... it doesn't necessarily mean love. And no parent is entitled to consume their shic
Also, if you don't -feel- love, that's okay. Sometimes the best you can do is act with love; to be kind, but to keep firm boundaries up. You perceptively identified her as a child inside. Especially with adult children you need to keep the boundaries up; you don't let them walk over you, you insist on a basic respect and basic two - way interaction. Same as with anyone. It may feel like Me Me Me, but it's not .... and you are entitled to take care of yourself. Just not at the expense of other people. It's always a balancing act, but your needs weigh in the scale too.
About the balled-fists thing, maybe the best thing is to say immediately after the next incident, but out of earshot of the children "Mum, if you're that angry please put it on one side while the children are there. I don't want them seeing that. If they do, I'll have to take them out while you feel that strongly".
She will probably hate it, but it is necessary. If she kicks off and storms, remember: she's an adult child. You might flashback to childhood feelings (as I did recently in another context, ugh) but you need to stand on your ground on this for your children's sake. Can you arrange with yoru DP that he will back you up during this convo?
As chipped said, you've an amazing self awareness.
A lot of what you have written here resonates with me. My mother is passive aggressive to the extreme and what ruined my childhood is continuing to this day. My father enables this by allowing her to 'get away with it' but after her last episode of ignoring me (and therefore my DC's) for 2 months due to a perceived argument with my father I have had enough. I am seriously considering going NC as I don't think she can, or will change. for you OP
Thank you everyone .
Have been spending the last couple of days reflecting on this and yes, almost- love with detachment is going to have to be what happens going forward. Maybe the love will return - a bit - when the rawness of the rage thing goes away again.
Once thank you for the link bout the BPD parent. It actually rings far more bells that the NPD (which is what most people seem to have had rough parenting because of). The stuff I have read about NPD never quite fitted. It is possible there are bits of both. Which human really fits neatly into a box?
Had a mad shouty moment this evening - DCs madly arguing who was sitting where at teatime and they knew we had to just get on and eat to get to an after-school club. Big shout of "I don't care where you sit, just stop bickering and sit down". Each time I resort to shouting it does make me feels horrifically guilty afterwards - and worry hugely that this is just the step before my mother and I am not much different. I just have to hope that my fear of being my mother will be the one thing that means I do not turn into her.
Anyway. I shall keep on keeping on. I shall not try to fix my mother but be kind, caring and respectful of her age. I shall pull her up if she does the rage thing again. I shall keep myself protected a little from being too close.
Thank you again.
Just a brief update. I spoke to my mother yesterday. Just a during one of our once a weeks phone calls. In amongst the rest of the chat I said something along the lines that Once suggested - that I could not help but notice the occassion she was very angry during our last visit and that although it maybe "normal" for her and my dad's relationship, and was my normal whilst I was growing up - that is is not really normal - and certainly not for me, my DC and my DH. I said that I appreciated that at the time she left the room - but if a similar occasion were to occur, just to make her aware I would take the children away from it. She apologised with various excuses as to why she had kicked off. I was gentle and kind - but firm. I also said for her to think about if having us to stay is a bit much for her and dad. (We always pitch in and help but she does tend to over-hostess/wear herself out if not reigned back - regardless of what we say or do). If we need to reconsider/do day trips instead of overnight visits then we are happy to do so.
I feel so much better (as well of proud of myself - and brave which is a bit silly really) for having said it. I have stated that her normal is not normal and as such I do not want my family to have to experience it.
I have left the past (mostly bar the small reference to it) in the past. No blame. Just stated my position. Go Me!
Thank you everyone for helping me see this clearly.
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